


Can't Say Goodbye To Yesterday

by FicNewtons



Category: Metal Gear, Metal Gear Solid
Genre: Alcohol Abuse/Alcoholism, Anal Fingering, Anal Sex, Angst, Blow Jobs, Canon Compliant, Caretaking, Did I Mention Angst?, Emotional Hurt/Comfort, Eventual Smut, Falling In Love, First Time Blow Jobs, Found Family, Hurt/Comfort, Injury, It's Two Men And A Baby (and a Metal Gear), Kissing, M/M, Masturbation, Masturbation in Shower, More angst, Nightmares, Non-graphic depictions of violence, Plot With Porn, Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder - PTSD, Relationship(s), Sexual Fantasy, Shower Sex, Sickfic, Slow Burn, Trauma, Whump
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2019-11-21
Updated: 2020-11-26
Packaged: 2021-02-16 12:55:12
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 12
Words: 64,569
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/21508279
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/FicNewtons/pseuds/FicNewtons
Summary: After rescuing Sunny from The Patriots, Raiden seeks out Snake in the solitude of Alaska to enlist his help one last time. As the two men try to contend with babysitting while figuring out what to do with Sunny, Raiden must also deal with the mounds of bad memories he acquired from the Big Shell, both trying to find a way to rectify their own troubled pasts. But it's lonely in Alaska, and it seems that neither one is quite as content with being alone as they previously thought.“Am I full of sorrow? Am I hurt and pained? Or am I filled with love?”
Relationships: Raiden/Solid Snake
Comments: 46
Kudos: 81





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> A (homoerotic) speculation on the events that could potentially have followed mgs2 in the time before mgs4 in compliance with canon. Since so much changed between games and there’s so much we don’t get to see, it seems like the perfect territory for a dive into the characters and some of the effects on them the events of MGS2 had and the ways in which they influenced their development leading up to where we see them in MGS4.
> 
> Sidenote: I am now on Twitter! Follow me at @ficnewtons for art and story updates :)

The tundra is unforgiving.

This is, of course, a lesson that is most often learned the hard way when one finds himself suddenly thrust into the cold, whipping winds of a sleepless polar hellscape for reasons beyond his control. That hellscape is, in this case, Alaska. 

It’s tough to say what draws people to Alaska. Its subarctic nothingness is great for those looking to escape ordinary civilization in favor of polar solitude. That’s not to say that there is nothing rewarding about Alaska and its cities (of which there are only a hundred and forty-nine), but it is naturally indicative of a much more spacious and less socially-demanding living arrangement, which could lead one to believe certain things about those who find themselves taking their lives there over a place like, say, New York City. Knowing that roughly forty-one percent of Alaska’s total population can be found in the city of Anchorage alone would make Alaska the ideal place for someone who would prefer to spend a majority of their time alone, finding their only comfort in the blinding sheen of hundreds of thousands of miles of snow.

None of this mattered, however, because Raiden did not find himself in Alaska of his own volition, and he found no comfort in the sheets upon sheets of mercilessly thick powder. He was learning the hard way of the tundra’s lack of forgiving—his feet constantly in danger of being devoured completely by several feet of uninterrupted snowfall. Unlike many other people who found themselves there, it wasn’t a _what_ that had drawn Raiden to Alaska. It was a _who._ And Raiden hoped that this certain _who_ lived a _lot_ closer than he thought.

Indeed, for two days, Raiden fought against the blistering cold, pulling his jacket up as far as he could over the insulated skullsuit, desperately trying to hide his face from whipping winds. Primarily, his worries centered around attempting to avoid the four greatest dangers of the Alaskan wilderness—dehydration, starvation, hypothermia, and the searching eyes of hungry animals. While Raiden was pretty sure he wouldn’t have any issues with wolves, the former three dangers presented a much more imminent threat. The circumstances that brought him here didn’t exactly allow for much planning, and naturally, when one ends up in the Alaskan tundra by unfortunate chance, there is a tendency to be ill-equipped for the adventure (which is a very optimistic word, considering the nature of the situation).

To make this odyssey alone would be enough to defeat anyone. A sense of companionship on a journey like this could give a much more concrete feeling of safety, and the constant threat of loneliness was almost as disconcerting as the threat of unfavorable company (like that of bears with empty stomachs, for example). Raiden was not alone. Ordinarily, Raiden would have preferred this, but at the present moment it proved to make the trip much more difficult. It was one complication in his frozen sojourn of which he was constantly reminded when his backpack began to whimper.

In her first venture outside of a small metal nursery in which she had been kept for more or less the first year of her life, silver-haired Sunny was blissfully ignorant from a good majority of the journey. As most babies do, she cried because she was hungry. She also cried because she was cold, which is unfortunately expected. On occasion, to Raiden’s dismay, she cried because she needed to be changed. As much as he didn’t like it, at least if she was crying, he knew she was still alive, and that helped ease his mind a bit.

During a daring rescue, Raiden luckily had the foresight to find a relatively Sunny-sized backpack stuffed with cans of baby food, a few onesies, and enough diapers to last her a few days, discovering that he could nestle her in on top comfortably enough with the top unzipped, insulated with thick blankets in preparation for the long and cold flight away from her place of imprisonment. That flight, of course, backfired spectacularly, which is how Raiden and Sunny ended up in this frostbitten desert in the first place. There was a great deal of anxiety for a while, with Raiden worried that Sunny’s cries would attract attention and doom their survival. He would soon learn, though, that in the grand scheme of things, Sunny was a good and mostly quiet baby, and this was a blessing that Raiden had nearly forgotten to appreciate.

There was one other not-so-minor detail that was causing Raiden relentless issues as he drew closer and closer to the _who_ that he had come to see—a not very small piece of metal shrapnel which had very inconveniently made its way quite deep into the musculature of Raiden’s thigh just above his knee—a product of their flight, which had so spectacularly backfired. If Raiden were a normal person, this might have posed a much more problematic situation. Fortunately, there were billions of nanomachines coursing through his veins, which reacted quickly enough upon the initial injury to prevent an excessive amount of blood loss. As effectively as nanomachines had served him in the past in preventing life-threatening injury, though, Raiden had no barrier against the agonizing heat that surged through his whole leg as he moved. He hadn’t enough strength on his own to remove the metal, which sliced up the tissue in his leg with every step he took, and he knew that while leaving it in meant keeping the nanomachines inside him where they belong, it also meant that they were not circulating properly. He could feel his heart rate increasing incrementally and knew that if he did not make it soon to his destination and necrosis began to set in on the tissue, there might be two new graves popping up in the snowy Alaskan plains. Stubborn as ever, though, Raiden was determined to not let that happen.


	2. Chapter 2

It’s tough to say what draws people to Alaska. It’s not very tough to say what drew Snake to Alaska.

Most ordinary people enjoy at least limited contact with others, and the solitude of rural Alaska could easily be considered an absolute nightmare to people who require even an ounce of human interaction per week to get through their lives. If Snake had it his way, he would never have to talk to another person about anything more than price-haggling during his few-and-far-between visits to the nearest market, and would instead spend copious amounts of time doing his favorite things: spending time with his dogs, smoking, and generally being unbothered by the problems of the outside world.

Isolation seemed to come easy to him. Though he'd certainly continue on his work with Philanthropy, he felt he deserved a bit of rest for a while, allowing Otacon to track down more information for their next mission in the meantime. His body would certainly thank him for that. Though he was only at the ripe, young age of thirty-eight, there were unmistakable signs of the tolls the job had taken on him, and he was painfully aware of this. His joints ached from time to time, and he didn’t have quite as much energy anymore. He could feel his zeal for life generally waning. These were things he chalked up to getting older and living a life of alacrity. After all, one can only rappel down buildings and jump from tremendous heights so many times before it takes a toll on the knees. But he didn’t let them stop him. He had never let anything get in his way before, and he wasn’t planning to start any time soon.

A cigarette was generally the first thing Snake reached for in the mornings, even before breakfast, and certainly before brushing his teeth. Lucky Strikes—unfiltered. Today was no different.

The smell of bitter smoke wafted through Snake’s sparsely furnished cabin, a familiar scent that ingrained itself in everything, almost marking the territory as being his (although Snake was not afraid to admit that he was the owner of a modest collection of scented candles, and though they only marginally helped with the stench of smoke, they did an admirable job of making it seem as though Snake lived in a house rather than a tobacco factory). Built tough against the elements, it seemed ironic that the primarily wooden interior could be so susceptible to destruction from the one thing from which Snake couldn’t part. Though there were ashtrays abound, there always loomed the risk of the stray ash, still lit, that could send all of his hard work up in flames. But Snake was well-versed in the art of smoking indoors and the thought rarely crossed his mind anymore.

Snake took a heavy drag, relishing the taste as he exhaled. He carefully balanced the cigarette in his mouth as he pulled on his pants, clearly practiced in the skill of multitasking. He stood for a moment at the closet full of drab, grayscale shirts with only the occasional olive or maroon. He grabbed the first thing he could find, but rather than his clothes, his attention was drawn to the black felt next to the door—the back side of a full-length mirror. He ran a single finger down the fabric, watching as the dust came away at his touch and danced in the air.

Abandoning his chosen shirt, he found himself turning the mirror over, a rare occurrence for him. He stood for a moment, feeling a deep, lingering nostalgia for his own body, something that he didn’t often dare to look at for fear of cementing his own identity in conjunction with the terrible things he had done, which lingered dangerously in the back of his mind. This fear was second only to his unshakable feeling that the man he saw in the mirror was not himself, in fact, but his father. He wished that it could be true—that the man in the mirror, the bane of his existence, was not him, and he, himself, was someone else entirely. Someone separate. Someone new. But he knew it wasn’t so. That was all he knew for sure; that he was not a man of his own making, but the making of another.

Who he even _was_ was a question up for common debate in his mind. He couldn’t be David, because David was not the one who had done terrible things in the name of duty— _patricide_ perhaps being the most terrible thing. That was Snake. But he couldn’t be Snake, because Snake was his father—a name forced on him, and one that carried with it the heavy weight of what he was, and, more detrimentally, what his father was. He couldn’t help but feel betrayed by those who had given him that name. The way he saw it, to them, his existence wasn’t even valuable enough to warrant an original name. He was no more than a genetic creation designed specifically to resemble exactly the man who had made his life a living hell without even trying.

But Snake fit. It wasn’t original, and he hated that fact, but it was who he was.

He was lost in a spiral of crises of this nature on a fairly constant basis. No matter how many or how few times he saw his own reflection, he always failed to feel any sort of connection to the person who was looking back at him, perhaps for his own good. But their scars were the same, and those were Snake’s. And that, Snake knew, was something that he couldn’t wipe away like dust on a mirror.

He traced a particularly long scar across his ribcage, running his finger along its smooth, raised edges. It felt almost as if the sensation of touch directly translated to the pitted feeling he felt in his heart as it sank. As much as he wanted to not feel it, these scars were unmistakably _him_ , and served only as harbingers of bad memories _._

While Snake was a very conventionally handsome man, who frequently accosted the gazes of others, he couldn’t appreciate his strapping, tight body as others did. He was fit, for sure, but he knew that his muscles were carefully designed to kill, and like a fool, he had given in to their purposes more times than he cared to count. His body was a tool, a tool that wasn’t his own, and whatever thoughts of vanity it brought him were immediately pushed away by doubts of self-ownership. In the deepest parts of his heart, he felt no claim to himself. Such is the life of a man born of the murderous machinations of others.

Instead, he found himself drawn to his eyes. Their blue-gray haze was the only thing that felt even remotely his. More accurately, their melancholy was what he owned, for their color, shape, even their capability of nearly perfect sight wasn’t his. Those things were forced on him, a product of genetic engineering, and they belonged not to him, but to Big Boss; given only as a gift of convenience that he did not want, nor for which he had asked. But their dysphoria, that was his. He had earned that. Through years of fighting, suffering, and living the life that was carefully crafted for him, he had secured the right only to the heartache that was painfully evident in his eyes.

Abandoning his traitorous reflection, Snake turned over the mirror again. He quickly grabbed his shirt and his coat, throwing them on as carelessly as could a man with not a single person in the world to impress.

Snake stepped out into the brewing snowstorm, unfazed entirely by the sting of the cold. It was something to which he had adjusted quite well over the years, an accomplishment that kept him conveniently separated from people that couldn’t handle the cold quite like he could, of which there were many. The only people he could stand to be around were his dogs. After seeing such grievous sides of humanity, Snake found that he could only wholly impart his trust in his dogs. They were honest—they snapped when they were angry, whined when they were hungry, and wagged their tails when they were happy. No politics, no ulterior motives, nothing to mistrust--quite the contrary to human beings.

As he entered the kennel, the dogs all stood at patient attention, tails wagging, eagerly awaiting the raw, red meat that he carried in a bucket. One by one, he swung open the rattling chain-link doors to each enclosure (of which there were twenty-five in the kennel with two dogs per enclosure) and tossed down a fat slice of fresh fare for each one.

The dogs dug in and Snake made his way out, making sure the door was hooked open behind him, allowing the dogs to wander the property as they pleased. While Snake’s property wasn’t especially large, the house lay smack-dab in the middle of nowhere with not much more than a thick forest in the distance to provide any sense of boundary. The whole area, more or less, was free reign, and he took full advantage of that, especially when he let the dogs out and about.

When he turned around to secure the door, however, he noticed something in the distance. Something that was much more out of the ordinary than a bear or a wolf, and something that made Snake wish that it would be one of those things instead. But his eyes couldn’t deceive him, and with certainty, he saw a man stumbling toward the house in the middle of the onset of a blizzard. He was caught off guard almost as much as the dogs, who snarled with concerned forewarning. Snake took a few steps toward him, eyes narrow. As he drew closer, his heart sank with startling realization—the realization that he recognized that silver-blonde hair in the distance.


	3. Chapter 3

_Just ten more steps… You can do ten more… You have to do ten more, god damn it…_

The sky began to push down on Raiden, first on his shoulders, then on his back like it was some common schoolyard bully trying to use its weight to force him to the ground. He chuckled to himself as he struggled to remain upright, thinking how ridiculous it was that the sky should be so heavy at this time of day. Sunny was awfully quiet, considering the amount of pressure this must have been putting on her, but Raiden pushed this thought aside, focusing on holding himself up under the immensely heavy sky blanketing his back. Had he stood still long enough, he would have noticed his surroundings swirling around him like they were in some drunken stupor. Or maybe it was Raiden who was in the stupor… Severe injuries can have that effect on people, even people as resilient as Raiden.

Until he saw Snake approaching him in the distance, he hadn’t yet discerned exactly how much his vision was failing him, noting what a funny little blob Snake was, before realizing that he was already halfway through the process of falling to the ground. Tripping on rocks under the thick snow was a common occurrence, one that was avoided naturally by those people like Snake, who live in this type of environment regularly. Raiden was not one of those people like Snake.

A tense, tingling sensation began in his fingertips, soaked with snow, which evolved into quick bolts of electric pain that shot through his hand and panged through his wrists. He must have been on the ground for at least five minutes, as the scorching cold began to rage in his knees, too. The nerves in his thigh were reawakened by the cruel snow, quickly reminding him of the unforgiving metal still firmly lodged in his leg. Raiden gritted his teeth, quickly brought back from his delirium to reality by the pain. And reality hurt. _A lot._ Searing pain was the only sensation he could feel until a firm hand grabbed him by the coat and began pulling him to his feet.

“…Raiden?”

Struggling to stand, Raiden clung to Snake, who did his best to steady him as his body weight colluded with gravity to sabotage the chances of Raiden remaining upright.

“Snake… I…”

The lightning in Raiden’s thigh shot through his body, evoking an involuntary furrow of his brows. Without fail, Snake noticed this, his eyes drawn to the shrapnel, which had begun to bleed again. Raiden attempted to steady himself, but quickly found himself collapsing. With a strong arm around his waist, Snake took on Raiden’s weight, pulling Raiden’s free arm over his shoulders, hoping he could support him.

“Jesus Christ, kid…”

Relief set in as Snake hurried him inside, dogs nipping at their heels the whole way. He nearly dragged Raiden to the couch, where he eagerly collapsed onto his side while Snake closed the door to shut out the dogs and the cold.

Raiden’s lungs struggled to fill with air, feeling the weight of his exhaustion perhaps the hardest. He tried his best to sit up but struggled without Snake’s help. Snake tossed a few pieces of wood into the woodstove in the corner, hoping to heat up the popsicle of a man on his couch. The flames licked at the lips of the rounded cast-iron edge of the firebox.

Snake knelt down on the floor, gently surveying Raiden’s leg. Raiden squeezed his eyes shut, consumed by the pain, evoking a subtle, involuntary groan.

“What the hell did you manage to do to yourself?” he asked as he continued to poke and prod.

“I just…” Raiden let out a gasp of sharp realization. “The baby!”

Snake raised an eyebrow, and for a moment, he feared that Raiden was losing his mind and was, in that moment, dying of blood loss.

“…Baby?”

Raiden set aside his leg for a moment and, with great pain, carefully removed his backpack from his stiff shoulders, gently extracting the bundle from the bag. Snake’s eyes widened as he saw the blanket fall first from the tufts of silver hair, then from Sunny’s big brown eyes and rose-red cheeks. It took Snake a good minute to process what he was seeing in front of him.

“Raiden, is that...?”

“Olga’s daughter, Sunny,” Raiden panted.

The resemblance was uncanny and left Snake slack-jawed, as if Raiden had traveled through time and snatched away baby Olga herself. He couldn’t believe it.

Raiden felt a pain shoot out from his knee, and as he flinched, Snake instinctively grabbed Sunny from him, allowing Raiden to fall over and support his weight on his elbow.

“I’m guessing the baby didn’t do this to you,” Snake mused.

Raiden chuckled through gritted teeth. “No,” he said. “My piloting skills are a bit rusty, and VR doesn’t have quite the same energy as being in the air for real.”

“You crashed?”

“Yeah, about twenty-five miles west of here. And I’d prefer to think of it more as ‘landing with enthusiasm.’”

A smile cracked on Snake’s face. “Whatever helps you sleep at night.”

Raiden laboriously pushed himself up again, before relaxing back into the cushions. The weight of his body felt heavier and heavier, and he could feel the adrenaline of the journey beginning to wear off, leaving him vulnerable to the pain his body had been putting off for later. _Later_ was now.

“I think what’s really going to help me sleep is getting this damn metal out of my leg. I tried before, but I couldn’t get a grip.”

Carefully nestling sleepy Sunny in the corner of the couch, Snake disappeared. Raiden was lost in the pain for what seemed to him to be hours, finding himself unable to focus on anything except the agonizing fire in his leg. With every drop of sweat that formed on his brow, another formed on his leg, perpetually searing the agitated wound.

When Snake reemerged after a few minutes, he began to unload an armful of things onto the small end table next to the couch: a bottle of clear liquor, a towel, gauze pads, tape, a sewing kit, a cigarette lighter, a butter knife, and a small glass. He knelt down in front of Raiden again with one firm hand on Raiden’s thigh and a pair of old pliers in the other. He grabbed the bottle and poured a small shot into the glass.

Raiden let out a snicker. “You really need to get drunk for this?”

“It’s not for me, it’s for you.” He offered Raiden the glass.

“No thanks. I don’t drink clear liquor.”

Snake smiled. “I knew I liked you for a reason.” Raiden let out a resounding shout, clutching his leg with both hands, as Snake quickly dumped the contents of the glass on the wound.

“What the hell was that for?” Raiden asked as the alcohol seared at his flesh.

“Relax, it’s good for an antiseptic in a pinch.” Snake smirked. “It’s also for thinking that _that_ would get me drunk.”

Raiden snatched the bottle off the table.

“A hundred and ninety proof? Have you lost your fucking mind? Why do you have this?”

Snake jerked the bottle from Raiden’s hands and took a heavy gulp. “Because you can’t drink rubbing alcohol.”

Putting the glass and bottle back, Snake grabbed the towel and handed it over to Raiden. Towel in hand, Raiden took a deep breath and put it in his mouth, heart rate skyrocketing. He squeezed his eyes shut as Snake felt around with the pliers to find the best grip, every adjustment of his grip bringing new and burning pain to his leg.

“Alright. On the count of three, ready? One... Two…”

In one swift motion, Snake tore the metal shard out of Raiden’s leg, evoking a scream that, if not dampened by the towel, could likely have been heard by the whole state.

“Three.”

Raiden thought for sure that he had broken some teeth on the towel, but that was nothing compared to the scorching anguish in his leg. Snake quickly tore the towel out of his mouth and used it to stifle the bleeding.

“Alright, you have your choice. Stitch or cauterize?”

Raiden barely heard him, as he could feel every heartbeat pulsating at the wound site.

“Whatever you can do faster.”

Snake grabbed Raiden’s hands and put them over the towel, a move which jarred Raiden.

“Hold this.”

Snake watched as Raiden steadied the towel in place, but dissatisfied, grabbed both of Raiden’s hands and pushed them down more forcefully. Raiden’s wrists felt weak, and he had trouble keeping up pressure. The effects of the damage were becoming more and more evident with every passing moment. Nonetheless, he couldn’t help but relish the feeling of Snake’s hands on his, the first real human contact he’d had in longer than he cared to dwell on.

“You need to press harder. I need you to stop bleeding.”

“I’m trying, god damn it,” Raiden said through gritted teeth. “I can’t control my blood.”

“Well try harder, then!” Snake took up the knife and the lighter and held the knife over the flame until it was red-hot. He sighed, looking Raiden in the eyes.

“You should probably start praying now.”

“I don’t believe in God,” Raiden asserted faintly.

“Well _that’s_ a relief.” 

Without missing a beat, Snake pressed the scalding knife against the length of the wound, squeezing it closed as tightly as he could manage. Reawakened by the pain, Raiden clenched his fists so hard he thought that his fingers would snap like twigs. It only lasted a second or two, but even after Snake removed the knife, the pain hardly abated. All he could do was let his head fall back against the couch cushion, breathing heavily as Snake patched him up.

“There you go.” Snake gave him a hearty pat on the leg, much to Raiden’s anguished chagrin.

Raiden struggled to push himself up, still feeling quite out of it.

“Thank you, Snake.”

Snake slumped into a chair next to the couch. Sunny’s curious brown eyes peeked over the arm of the couch as she made a half-hearted attempt to climb up, surveying the stranger sitting next to her. The resemblance between Sunny and her mother was something that Snake was having a hard time getting past, and it was an image that brought with it a burden of heavy guilt.

He only snapped out of it when Raiden reached for the liquor bottle and took a heavy drink, grimacing as the alcohol burned down his throat.

“Don’t hit that too hard,” Snake said, “or you’re gonna feel that in the morning.”

“I’m a grownup, I can handle my liquor,” sputtered Raiden through a fit of coughs.

Snake pulled a cigarette from the pack and stuck it in his mouth. Raiden’s drying blood still covered his hands, but he hardly noticed or cared. He grabbed his lighter from the table as Raiden tracked his movement, eyeing his cigarette ardently.

“You want one?” Snake asked, following his eyeline.

“No thanks.”

Snake merely grumbled in response as he flicked the lighter at the cigarette’s tip, glowing a deep, cherry red.

“You sure you should be doing that? Around a baby?” questioned Raiden.

Snake took a deep pull. “You’re the one who crashed a plane with her.”

“It was a helicopter.”

“Whichever.” Snake held the cigarette delicately between two fingers, leaning forward in his seat. “So, are you gonna tell me _why_ you crashed a helicopter and walked twenty-five miles to bring a baby to my house?”

Raiden let out a deep sigh as he worked to sit himself up properly. The pain in his leg had finally begun to go down, but the exhaustion crept its way up into Raiden’s head, thickening the haze in his mind.

“Well, it’s a long story…” The words came to Raiden with great difficulty. “The long and short of it is, after you and I last talked in Manhattan, I found out where The Patriots were keeping Sunny. I made my preparations and scouted the place, and as soon as I saw an opportunity, I grabbed her.” Raiden’s eyes became downcast. “I wasn’t really sure where to bring her. You’re the only person I know who had ever met Olga before… I thought for some reason, you might know what to do.”

“Hmm,” growled Snake. “And what’s your plan now?”

“I was hoping you’d tell me. I don’t know anything about kids, and I don’t know where I can bring her. I don’t wanna just throw her in the foster system. It feels wrong after what she’s already been through.”

All the talking was catching up to Raiden, as he let his head fall back again in exhaustion. Snake noticed this and set down his cigarette in an ashtray nearby, heading for the door. Raiden watched him go, but felt himself quickly fading.

A few minutes later, with a clean, spare dog bed in hand, Snake stepped back inside the house. As soon as he closed the door, he could see Raiden’s head leaning heavily on the back of the couch. He circled around and watched for a moment, observing as both Raiden and Sunny breathed heavily, dead asleep in their places. Dusting off as much as he could, Snake laid the bed on the floor in front of the couch. He picked up Sunny, careful not to wake her, and nestled her in her blankets on the bed. He tucked her in tightly, and to Snake’s delight, she was out like a light.

Snake went to his room and rummaged around in his closet, searching for a pillow and blanket. He dug through the closet and various drawers, becoming less and less optimistic about the prospects of finding one. He could have sworn that he’d owned more than one of each, but the lack of company he’d had in previous years made him think that he’d perhaps forgotten to buy extra bedding, as the possibility of guests was remarkably slim. Finally giving up on his search, he settled for tearing the blankets and pillow from his own bed and dragged them out to the living room. He tossed the blanket over the back of the couch and put down the pillow on the other end near Sunny. Snake gently lifted Raiden’s shoulders with a hand behind his neck to keep his head from dropping and gently let his weight take over, settling his head carefully on the pillow. He lifted Raiden’s legs onto the couch, satisfied then that he would be comfortable. Snake draped the blanket over him, who was as deeply asleep as Sunny.

Snake sat down again and picked up his cigarette, watching as the two lay peacefully, heavily in sleep. As he watched the slow rise and fall of Raiden’s chest, he had a nagging, unshakeable feeling that something wasn’t quite right with Raiden.

_“I’ll pick my own name and my own life. I’ll find something worth passing on.”_

He remembered Raiden’s words in Manhattan. Clouded by memories that had been frantically unfolding themselves in front of him, Raiden’s state of mind was not entirely clear, and Snake knew this. He was all too familiar with the heavy weight of a burdened past, and he knew exactly what sort of a toll it could take on a person, especially one so young as Raiden. It didn’t help that his past had quickly unfurled itself to him more or less all at once. That was certain to mangle the psyche of anyone, let alone someone who had just confronted the man who had killed their parents and forced them into a life of militant servitude.

As much as he tried to sympathize, Snake couldn’t imagine the devastation that came with all of the abruptly unrepressed memories of a childhood killer. “Jack the Ripper” is a name definitely unfit for a child of ten, and the thought of the name alone made Snake’s heart sink, carrying with it the accountability for so much suffering, both Raiden’s and others. It clicked in Snake’s brain that this was the reason he still went by his codename “Raiden.” While Snake refused to go by his birth name because he had to learn to embrace what he was, Raiden refused to be called Jack in an attempt to erase the past—a refusal to connect himself with a child killer that haunted him. Regardless of what he was called, however, Snake knew that it would be impossible for him to rid himself of his history so easily.

_“Choose your own legacy.”_

Snake meant this when he said it. He hoped for better for Raiden, which was quite uncharacteristic for him. While it was mostly true, as Snake had said many times in the past, that he did not care about other people, he had frequently wondered what had become of Raiden in the time since they last spoke. Raiden was young and had a whole future ahead of him, and it seemed that he was setting up to build a life for himself and forgive himself for the past. Or so Snake had hoped. Yet here he was, barely a month later, fresh from the battlefield. What had changed? Raiden was ready to go home with _her_. Snake feared the worst, but knew that the odds of him being able to bring this up fully with Raiden were quite slim, and even if he could, he doubted that he would. While he felt a certain level of concern for Raiden, he knew that it didn’t much matter what had happened. The past didn’t matter. He couldn’t live in the past. There was only the present to live in and the future to which he could look. He hoped that Raiden would figure this out on his own, but a persistent feeling in his gut told him it would be quite the opposite.


	4. Chapter 4

Sinister darkness surrounded Snake. He stood alone in the cold blackness of an endless void, blanketed by the shadows. But there was no light to cast them. Snake felt a cold breeze ghost past his neck, raising the hairs straightaway from his skin.

_Where…?_

Snake’s arms and legs, numb and inert, twitched in the cold, grasping in the dark for something solid to hold on to. He found nothing, and his heart started to race. Before he could process any of this, he was moved by a voice. It called his name.

_“Snake…”_

The voice sounded familiar, but he couldn’t place it nor could he locate it. Its source was everywhere. It was nowhere. He searched the bleakness, but found nothing. His heart pounded loudly. He could feel it in his chest, pounding through his throat. He could feel the pulsating in his arms until he was enveloped by the frantic rhythm that swallowed him whole.

_“Snake…”_

He turned, standing face to face with… Snake. Old Snake. His haggard eyes looked past Snake, piercing right through him. Snake could feel it as clearly as if Old Snake was reaching a hand right through Snake’s body. Coldness penetrated him to his core. Old Snake smiled, pleased. But there was something Snake didn’t recognize about him… Something malevolent and disquieting. Snake’s mind raced with thoughts so fleeting and indecipherable until he couldn’t recognize himself… the man standing in front of him. Nothing had changed, so why was it all different?

_Who…?_

Snake tried to move away, but found his legs to be of little use. Panic set in as his pummeling heart began to choke him. The man in front of him sneered. An orange, incandescent glow enveloped his whole face and body, lighting up a single eye, emanating a warmness that stung Snake’s eyes and lungs as he began to cough desperately, gasping for air. The illumination grew brighter and more unstable, flickering as it threw macabre shadows across the face. Like a perverse chiaroscuro, the face grinned at Snake as one of his eyes fell completely into the penumbra. Snake couldn’t look at him, but couldn’t pull himself away. Sweat poured from his brow as he pulled hard against the evil allure of his eye. Struggling, Snake forced his eyes downward, a stifled scream of silence escaping his throat as he saw a fire growing larger around him, lapping at his legs. Intense, biting pain lapping at him, quickly clawing its way upward from his knees to his hips to his stomach.

The man in front of him continued to laugh a deep, hateful laugh.

_“Snake…”_

Snake’s breath caught in his throat as he was hit with a sudden sense of recognition.

 _“It’s not over yet, Snake…”_ It taunted through its teeth.

The fire raced up Snake’s neck as he struggled to speak, its fingers gripping him tightly, singeing his hair.

“Big…”

The flame slipped upward, nipping at his lips as it engulfed his face.

“Boss—"

Snake awoke with a start, taking in the cold, dark room around him, gasping for air. Goosebumps covered his bare chest and arms as sweat formed on his brow. He propped himself up on his elbows, breathing hard as he waited for his heart to slow its rapid beating. He pushed the image of Big Boss way down, forcing his way back to reality as his eyes adjusted to the darkness. He heard a noise, barely distinguishable over the ringing in his ears. He peeked at the clock that sat next to his bed, showing it was nearly two in the morning. He rubbed the sleep from his eyes and rolled out of bed, shuffling out of his room and down the hall. As he neared the living room, he could hear Sunny’s cries growing louder and louder. He saw Raiden, almost completely unmoved from his earlier position in the previous day, still dead asleep. He felt for Raiden, knowing the exhaustion that kept him solidly asleep all too well.

Sunny’s whimpers dampened as she put a tiny fist in her mouth, gnawing on it with her gums, revealing two tiny front teeth. As she blubbered softly on her own hand, she opened her eyes to see Snake standing over her. Though the tears didn’t stop, she kept her eyes on him, carefully tracking his movements through her sobs. Snake observed this curiously, hesitant as he realized that he had absolutely no idea how to interact with children. He hesitantly knelt down next to Sunny, whose eyes were glued to him as she continued to cry. With one finger, he pried open her loosely closed fist, tracing the lines of her tiny little palm, making his way to the creases of her fingers. He marveled at how small she was, wondering if he was really this small and innocent at one point in his life. While he knew, obviously, that he was, that fact continued to bewilder him. He wondered what his life had been like before he was Solid Snake. The older he got, the more and more difficult it became to recall.

Sunny tightened her little hand around his finger, red in the face. Fearing that her cries wouldn’t abate, Snake hesitantly picked her up, cradling her gently against his chest. He bounced her softly as he had seen in movies and on TV, hoping like hell that he was doing it right. He could feel Sunny’s little heart beating hard and wondered if she, too, had just awoken from a nightmare. Snake didn’t know much about babies, but he did know that Sunny had probably seen enough in her one year to fuel nightmares for years. He wondered what went through her little head as she continued to cry, shielding her face from him with her tiny arms. Did she know what was happening around her? Did she know who he was? He wondered if the stress of the journey here had registered at all with her, or if she had been blissfully excluded from the turmoil Raiden had gone through to save her.

He paced the room slowly, and though the movement seemed to soothe her, he was afraid that the moment he set her back down, she would start crying again. It felt like an hour that he kept this up. He made his way around the room so many times, lost in thought, and barely noticed when Sunny finally stopped crying. He gently rubbed her back, which didn’t cause her to stir, and he was finally certain she was asleep. He laid her back down, carefully putting the blanket back over her, wrapping it tightly around her. He sat down next to her, waiting just for a moment to make sure she stayed asleep. He lightly brushed her silvery hair away from her forehead, feeling what was perhaps a small grain of accomplishment at his ability to get a fussy baby back to sleep, a task which he imagined was ordinarily much more difficult.

*****

Sunlight made its way into the living room, pointedly finding Raiden’s eyes. Straining against the illumination behind his eyelids, Raiden recoiled from the light, stuffing his face into the pillow. He found the presence of a pillow unusual, though, and bolted upright, taking in his surroundings. The journey of the previous few days rushed back to him as the haze cleared from his tired mind. He eyed the clock on the wall, reading 6:30. He sat up, stretching hard, and froze for a moment as he spotted Snake, asleep on the floor, next to Sunny. He took the blanket and threw it over Snake, astounded at the fact that this man could manage to survive temperatures like this in only an old pair of pajama pants.

As he rubbed the sleep from his eyes, he noticed a pair of plaid pajama pants and a shirt neatly folded on the arm of the couch. There was a small note on top.

_Raiden,_

_Take these. Might be more comfortable than a skull suit._

He picked up the clothes and tiptoed around Snake and Sunny, stepping gingerly on his bad leg, and made his way to the kitchen, poking around through the barren cupboards and cabinets. It took a bit of snooping, but he found what he was looking for—a coffee maker and all the appropriate accessories. He peeked through the fridge and found a half-empty can of coffee grounds which, to his pleasant surprise, were far from expired. With his experience with sneaking missions, he didn’t find it very difficult to keep quiet enough to avoid waking Snake and Sunny, even with a leg injury. He crept into the bathroom while the coffee brewed to wash his face, but was surprised when upon flipping on the light switch, he was confronted with a piece of cardboard taped up over the sink. Curious, he carefully peeled it back to reveal a small medicine cabinet mirror underneath. He inspected the mirror for damage, unable to discern why it was covered, but found nothing, furthering his confusion. He noticed in the mirror how unkempt his shaggy platinum hair was, a sight that was unusual for someone as well-groomed as Raiden. He noticed how uncharacteristically disheveled he was, a state that he attributed to what he assumed was at least twenty hours of heavy sleeping, something to which he was very unaccustomed.

Beginning to feel clammy in his suit, he undid it down to the waist and carefully slid it off. Nakedness had never felt so blissful. He took a moment to appreciate the air on his skin, something that came greatly appreciated after having been stuck in a skintight suit for several days. He ran the water in the sink, lightly washing away some of the grime he felt covering him. He surveyed himself, not entirely sure what he was looking for, as the water glistened atop his shoulders, forming beads that ran down his chest to his stomach, trailing past numerous barcode tattoos that Raiden figured were probably nearly as old as he was. Raiden inspected the contours of his musculature, which were more than a little prominent. He considered his sleek, strong physique to be above average looks-wise, and resented only the black lines that marred his otherwise flawless form, a constant reminder of a hideous past that would be forcibly dredged up at every passing glance. He remembered scrubbing at them as a child for days until his skin was raw, but they just wouldn’t come off.

Raiden ran some cold water, pooling it in his hands to clean his face. He ran his cold, wet fingers through his hair, taking a certain air of apathy at the few solitary strands that fell right back onto his forehead. He pulled a black hair band from one of the pockets of his suit, pulling his hair into a small silver ponytail. He grabbed the clothes—a waffle knit raglan shirt and green plaid pajama pants. As he pulled apart the pile, he blushed to find a pair of black boxer briefs folded neatly in the middle. As Raiden put on the clothes, he pulled the shirt away from his body, noticing how much bigger Snake was than him. He was strong, but definitely leaner than Snake. He knew Snake was bulky, but when he saw a direct comparison with his own body, he couldn’t help but feel a little intimidated. He gave himself one last look, apparently satisfied, before carefully replacing the cardboard over the mirror.

He returned to a full pot of coffee in the kitchen, aromatic and piping hot. He fished around quietly for two coffee mugs, which he found with no degree of ease. He pulled on his coat and filled up both mugs, left one on the counter, and made his way outside with the other.

Raiden sat bundled in his coat on the steps of the porch. The frigid air tickled the reddened tip of his nose and brushed the bare nape of his neck. Shivers went up his spine. He sipped his coffee as he watched the sun peak up over the horizon into the purple Alaskan sky. It had been a while since he had had the privilege of enjoying the sunrise, and it was a sight that wasn’t lost on him. After all, the sun rose for him now, but there were countless others that would never see a sunrise again and only had Raiden to blame. His heart sank at the thought. But there was nothing to be done about that now, except to wallow in guilt (as he so often did). He pushed these thoughts to the back burner for a bit, hoping to just enjoy the beginning of a new day. After all, he’d saved Olga’s child, repaying a hefty debt to her after she saved his life. Did that not earn him a reprieve from the terror of himself?

Raiden stuck his hand into his jacket pocket, pulling out a flask. He unscrewed the top and poured a hefty shot into his coffee, just enough to hopefully get him through the morning. As he was stuffing the flask back in its place, he noticed a small piece of paper that had fallen out of his pocket. He picked it up, tracing the faded pen strokes as a hole burned in his heart with every word.

_Godzilla – Empire State Building_

_King Kong – Chrysler Building_

_Just in case you forgot ♥_

Penmanship as clean and pristine as could be, which Raiden had hoped he could forget along with the rest of his past. His mind hung on the words for as long as he could stomach. Someday, he knew, he would have to face this. Face her… But how could he? He became nauseated at the thought and took a few sips of his inebriant coffee. He stared at the note, wondering if he could just let it go, wondering if she would just cease to exist if he did, letting it blow away in the chill breeze until it dissolved into the ice and out of his life. Would that absolve him of the guilt of hurting her? Could anything absolve him from that? Surely a heartfelt apology and some time would be a start, but Raiden feared that it was too late for that. And even if she ever found it in her heart to forgive him, could he forgive himself? He feared the answer.

He heard heavy bootsteps saunter across the porch, quickly stuffing the note back into his pocket as Snake sat down next to him.

“Thanks for the coffee.”

“Hey, no problem,” Raiden said through a cheerful smile that he hoped was believable enough.

“Nanomachines do a pretty good job of keeping your blood sugar up to keep you awake, but nothing beats a real, good old-fashioned cup of caffeine,” Snake mused, taking a sip.

“That’s an understatement,” Raiden said.

Snake sat for a moment, catching a scent in the air. “Did you put whiskey in your coffee?”

“Why, you want some?”

“No, I just… can smell it from here.”

“Yeah, sorry.” Raiden warmed his hands against the side of the steamy mug. “Old habits die hard, I guess.”

“Hmm,” grunted Snake. He sipped on his own coffee and sat back, appreciating the pink sky as the sun crested the trees in the distance.

“I can see why you chose Alaska,” Raiden said.

“Yeah? Why’s that?”

“It’s just so… quiet. Life stands still here.”

Snake raised an eyebrow. “…Still?”

“I mean that in a good way… the best way,” Raiden quickly added. “It’s just that when you’re on a mission, out doing some… tactical espionage _whatever_ , you get stuck there, you know? Life seems to pass by so quickly, and when you finally get out, it starts to feel like it left you behind.”

Snake studied Raiden’s face, which afforded a sort of sadness hiding underneath his transparent façade as his downcast eyes traced the reflections in his coffee. He felt it too. He reached out and put a firm hand on Raiden’s shoulder, squeezing it tightly. Raiden suddenly felt flustered, his face flushing.

“Raiden, no one’s left you behind. You make your own time.”

Raiden let out a contemplative sigh and took in a big gulp of coffee, savoring the comfort of Snake’s hand. Though he could never admit it out loud, he was endlessly grateful for Snake’s company. They hadn’t spent much time together in any meaningful capacity until now, but Raiden felt drawn to Snake. From the moment they met, Raiden knew that he wanted to be near him. Maybe it was because he saw him as a mentor, or even as a brother. Whichever one it was, Snake’s tight grip made Raiden feel at ease.

His attention was drawn around the corner as he heard the huff and patter of a dog coming nearer. A large brown husky with piercing blue eyes rounded the corner, freezing as he locked eyes with Raiden. Lowering himself to the ground, a deep snarl curled up his nose as he growled.

Raiden immediately guarded himself, solidifying his footing under him in case a quick getaway became necessary. A twinge of pain shot through Raiden’s leg as he jerked himself ever so slightly away from the dog, hoping that Snake wouldn’t notice. Before he even had time to register the movement, however, Snake snapped his fingers, acquiring the dog’s attention.

“Des, come here!”

Seeming to forget Raiden altogether, the dog’s demeanor changed in a matter of nanoseconds, trotting over to Snake, tongue flopping, tail wagging. The dog sat down in front of Snake, looking eagerly at him, awaiting his reward for obedience, which finally came when Snake put down his coffee and gave him a good, hard scratch all down the length of his back and up his neck, ruffling his thick fur.

“Don’t be afraid of him,” Snake said. “He’s just a giant baby.”

Allowing himself to ease up just a bit, Raiden watched as the jovial Des’s tail waved back and forth frantically, creating a sizeable crater in the snow. He laughed a bit at himself, feeling silly.

“I can see that.”

Des licked his chops as Snake continued to scratch his neck. They both enjoyed the quiet for a moment. But Snake could see the tribulation on Raiden’s face. “So, uh… Maybe it’s none of my business, but… how are you?”

“I’m doing better, thanks. I slept like a rock for once and my leg doesn’t feel half as bad as it did yesterday.”

“No, I mean… Look.” Snake groaned. Feelings were not his area of expertise. “Frankly, the last time we talked you seemed… troubled.”

Raiden was caught off guard, unsure exactly what to say. He fought with himself for a moment, wondering if he could really tell Snake the truth. That no, he was most definitely not alright, and it was overtaking his life and his worldview, and that he hated himself to the point that it made him sick to exist. But who could open themselves like that to another person? Maybe with his history Snake was the only one who would understand. As much as he wanted to, Raiden held back.

“Oh, I’m fine. Thanks for asking.” Raiden smiled, a smile that he almost suspected might be too big to be believable. He knew that Snake wasn’t an idiot and wondered why he bothered lying to him. Snake wasn’t entirely sold, but simply pursed his lips, offering only a small grunt of affirmation. Raiden surveyed his tight expression, detecting a certain amount of skepticism. His heart raced, hoping the subject would go away. He knew better than that.

Raiden could hear Sunny’s awakening cries from inside, as if some force in the universe wanted to spare him. Both men groaned, but it was Raiden who rose first.

“You got her last night. She’s probably just hungry. I got it, no worries.” Raiden offered a sad little smile. “Thanks, Snake.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Next chapter coming December 4th! :)


	5. Chapter 5

Raiden steadied himself, but his strength was all but gone after that last swing. He hoped Snake didn’t notice as he faltered slightly, staggering his stance. The moment the axe was in his hands off the ground, though, he lost his footing and stumbled, wedging the axe head into the ground, leaning on it as much as he could, his eyes cast downward as he attempted to get his energy back. The snow, trampled almost to the dirt, lay muddied and gray under Raiden’s feet. He wiped the sweat from his forehead as he panted, leaning heavily on the handle of an axe to support his weight. Chopped firewood lay scattered beneath him as he remembered suddenly how strenuous the repetitive swinging of an axe could actually be. Though his arms still felt weak, he channeled all of his strength into them.

_Only a few more… Almost done…_

Raiden exhaled deeply as he lined up the axe against a small log, willing his arms painfully upward before resting the butt of the axe against his shoulder. He steadied himself, and with a few quick breaths of mental preparation, quickly brought the axe down, splitting the wood cleanly in two. Quickly dropping the axe head to the ground, he found himself supporting his weight again on the handle. It had been a while since he had hurt this badly, but feeling useless only made him feel worse. He surveyed the wood on the ground, nearly satisfied with the results as he began setting up his next log. He hardly noticed as Snake approached from behind, with a bundled Sunny in his arm, eyeing Raiden curiously as she chewed on one of her tiny fingers.

“Raiden, what’re you doing?”

He turned, surprised.

“Oh, I was cutting some wood. I noticed you were a bit low,” he said casually, playing down his exhaustion.

Snake inspected the ground, shocked at the amount he had already done.

“You really didn’t have to do that. I can take care of this. You should be taking it easy.”

Snake reached for the axe with his free arm, but Raiden waved him away, smiling nonchalantly.

“Don’t worry, I’m not that bad. Just a little tired is all. I think the exercise is good for me.”

In the same moment, both men spotted a small, growing patch of blood on Raiden’s thigh. Raiden laughed.

“Guess I didn’t really notice. Really, though, it’s fine. I’ll just finish this up and head back inside.”

“Raiden…”

Raiden nearly didn’t catch himself, his palm crunching atop the snow on the ground as he fell to one knee. Instinctively, Snake started forward to help him, holding Raiden steady by his arm.

 _Damn it… What good are you if you can’t chop a little fucking wood?_ Raiden laughed softly as he cursed himself internally.

Taking care to keep Raiden steady, Snake gently took the axe from his hands and tossed it safely aside. Raiden felt the frozen dirt make its way under his fingernails, his fingers clawing shakily into the dirt.

”Can I make you something to eat? You could use the energy,” Snake offered. “There’s not much food around the house and I’m... Well, I’m not a very good cook, but...”

Raiden slowly turned to a concerned Snake, smiling a counterfeit smile, as he staggered back to his feet.

“Just lost my footing there for a second. I’m good, though. I still have some rations in my bag. Thanks.”

Snake hesitated to let go of Raiden’s arm. Raiden’s smile did nearly nothing to reassure him. He watched as Raiden gently pulled away from his grip. He knew better than to offer to help Raiden back inside, but every part of him wanted to try. He was torn. Whenever Snake was injured, hadn’t he always wanted to brush it off like it was nothing? He’d never wanted to feel useless or like a burden. At the same time, though, he had always secretly wished that someone more forceful than him would have come along and told him to take it easy— _insisting_ that he did. It would have given him an excuse to relax and tend to his own injuries instead of exacerbating them. But what was the cost of healing? His pride? Was Raiden’s pride worth it?

Snake’s indecision made the choice for him, letting Raiden go wordlessly on his own back to the door. As he began to gather and stack all of the cut wood, he couldn’t help but wonder why he had hesitated. Maybe Raiden would have secretly been grateful had Snake insisted he rest up. Or, more realistically, it could have just made him feel worse. He’d never know now. But maybe it should be his responsibility to be that person for Raiden. He’d probably work himself to death if no one told him to relax once in a while. He knew that Raiden needed to throw himself into the grind to stay distracted, but he couldn’t help but think of the stress he was putting on his body. Raiden was young, but not even someone his age can handle that kind of toll.

Once he had gotten all of the wood cleared up and neatly stacked, he secured Sunny on his hip and headed back inside, spotting Raiden standing in the kitchen, elbows deep in dish water. He put Sunny down on the floor in the living room, who restlessly began crawling about, babbling in her little Sunny language to no one in particular. Snake wandered over to the sink, resting his elbow casually on the counter, watching as Raiden thoughtlessly scrubbed away at the coffee pot.

“What’re you doing?”

“I realized I forgot to wash the coffee stuff earlier, so I’m just cleaning up a bit. Sorry about that.”

Raiden seemed much more cheerful than before. Snake was surprised.

“Don’t worry about it.” Snake thought for a moment. “And hey, thanks for the wood, by the way. I was really not looking forward to doing it, so that helped me out a lot.”

Raiden’s face brightened, the corners of his mouth turning up into a pleasant smile.

“No problem. Just doing what I can to help.” 

“Here.” Snake gently lifted the filter basket from the sink and held it under the water. He held out his other hand for the sponge. Raiden was hesitant to hand it over. Snake’s hand was insistent. “Come on, this is easy, I can do this. Besides, you made me coffee, I should be the one to clean it up.”

“You sure?”

“Yeah, don’t worry about it. You already did most of my work for the day, this is the least I can do.”

“I really don’t mind doing it,” Raiden insisted.

“Come on, you have to let me do _something_ ,” Snake chuckled. Raiden’s stubbornness amused him.

Raiden relented, slapping the sponge into Snake’s hand, which quickly returned to the filter basket under the water. Raiden wiped his hands-on a nearby dish towel and folded it neatly before returning it to its hanger. He watched as Snake’s nimble hands made their way around the basket, thoroughly entranced by how aggressively he scrubbed. Raiden wondered if Snake had ever done anything gently in his entire life.

_Of course he has. He wouldn’t be able to get with women so easily if he was always this rough. Or maybe..._

He blushed a bit, abashed at the surprisingly intrusive thought. While Raiden didn’t know many concrete details of Snake’s romantic life, he couldn’t help but assume that despite his gruff exterior, he was a knockout with women. How could he not be?

Raiden quickly pushed the thought away before elaborating. It was none of his business what Snake did in his free time. He had no right to mentally intrude on Snake’s personal life. He was just thankful for Snake’s unwavering attention to the dishes, which kept him from noticing Raiden’s reddened cheeks. All thoughts of Snake’s personal affairs disappeared completely when a biting pain arose in his leg—he’d forgotten all about the blood that slowly seeped through his pants leg. Not wanting to draw attention to himself, Raiden slowly trudged back to the living room.

He took off the green pajama pants, careful not to drag the flannel across the wound, tossing them aside as he sat down in his boxer briefs. All of the makeshift surgical equipment was still on the end table, untouched since the other day. Raiden grabbed the lighter and small sewing kit from the table, using the lighter to sterilize the needle from inside. Gritting his teeth, Raiden went to work on his leg. The wound only reopened in one small place, and Raiden figured it would only need two or three stitches. After the first agonizing insertion of the needle, though, Raiden’s hands began to shake as he fought back against the burn. _Too deep_ , he thought. How long had it been since he had needed to self-stitch? Too long. He was definitely rusty. Carefully, slowly, he withdrew the needle, pulling with it a small crimson globule that grew as the point made its way out of the skin.

_Alright… One more time._

Taking a deep breath, Raiden again punctured his skin, taking his time as the needle passed through both sides of the wound. He managed to shakily finish one stitch, but hesitated as he went in for the second one. He took a deep breath, but the unpleasant burn of the first stich churned his nauseated stomach.

As if he could read Raiden’s mind, Snake emerged quietly from the kitchen, pausing in the doorway to watch Raiden’s trembling hands go in to pierce for the second stitch. He waited for a second, debating whether or not he should interfere. His mind was quickly made up when he heard Raiden utter a small, “ _Ah, fuck…_ ”

“Here, let me help you.”

Snake gently took the needle from Raiden, who willingly gave it up. Snake put a firm hand on Raiden’s thigh as he surveyed the damage. Snake’s warm palm sent a shiver up Raiden’s spine.

“Raiden, I mean this in the best way possible, but… that stitch looks like shit.”

Caught off guard, Raiden laughed. “Yeah… I know. I can’t remember the last time I’ve had to do this for myself. Not as easy as I remember.”

Before Raiden had time to process, Snake was already firmly squeezing the wound, needle alight, ready to go to work.

“Don’t worry, I’ve done this more times than I can count,” Snake said.

“I’m ready.”

Raiden closed his eyes, bracing himself, squeezing the couch cushions tightly as he felt Snake make quick work of the task, skillfully and swiftly executing the two remaining stitches. To his surprise, it didn’t hurt nearly as badly when Snake did it.

“All set.”

“Damn.” Raiden surveyed the two neat stitches, clean and precise, which sat in silent condemnation next to his far inferior attempt. He shook his head. “Guess I could use a lot more practice.”

“Just hope that you never get it.”

“Yeah… You’re right. I’ll leave those skills to the legends like you.”

Snake grunted. Raiden was alerted at his sudden silence, his eyes skimming across Snake’s stoic face. His mouth was pressed firmly into a line, eyebrows furrowed. This look was pretty usual for Snake, but Raiden could tell there was something a bit more behind it. Was it something he said?

Snake rose from the couch, pushing his hair back from his forehead, careful to keep the traces of crimson on his fingertips from mingling with his tawny hair. As Snake disappeared into the kitchen, Raiden redressed himself, meticulously maneuvering the fabric over the wound in a way that didn’t agitate it. He let himself fall back into the couch again to rest for a moment, relaxing as the pain subsided.

Snake reemerged again, throwing on his jacket, nearly forgetting Raiden’s presence until he was halfway out the door.

“I’m gonna go for a walk,” he said as he pulled his arm through the sleeve, readjusting it on his shoulders. “I’ll be back in a bit.”

The door closed behind him with a gentle thud. Raiden watched as Sunny wormed her way around the room, curiously slapping the floor and anything else she found interesting. There wasn’t much stimulation for her here. Snake’s house was never intended to have children in it, and Raiden feared that anything she got a good grip on would end up broken, and even then, there wasn’t too much to worry about. Like Raiden, Snake was more on the minimalist end of the spectrum, and there was hardly anything throughout the house that didn’t have an explicit purpose. Raiden appreciated that about him. Somehow, the house looked exactly the way he had always pictured it, which wasn’t far off from Raiden’s own apartment, though Raiden’s was decidedly even plainer than Snake’s. Neither had ever particularly cared for material objects, and he had sensed from the first moment they met that they were alike in that way.

Raiden had felt a lot more than just that connection the first time they met. Even before he knew who he was, Raiden was in awe of Snake’s cool and collected demeanor. When Raiden was certain Vamp was going to kill him, even with Raiden’s gun trained on him, Snake never faltered. He seemed so in control at all times, something that Raiden had always aspired to be. He was such an imposing presence. Thinking about it now made Raiden blush. Though he was careful to hide it at the time, he found Snake incredibly handsome when he took off his mask. There was just something about his strong jawline and intense, commanding eyes. Even the lines that cut through his face attracted him. Hell, even his voice had struck Raiden’s core before he ever took the mask off. So much as remembering how he felt then sent Raiden’s heart pounding away.

He had worked closely with Snake, and still he was star struck. He was the best of the best, and Raiden had always heard stories of the heroism of Solid Snake. Everyone wanted to be the legendary soldier. Raiden wanted the same for the longest time. Until, of course, he met Snake. Raiden’s Snake-related desires quickly changed after that.

Feeling suddenly embarrassed, Raiden locked up those thoughts in the back of his mind. He clenched his jaw under flushed skin, tightening his throat.

_Don’t think about that. Don’t ever think about him like that. Don’t you dare. Don’t._

_Don’t._

_Don’t._

Raiden balled up his fists as he chastised himself, but it was too late. His body had already betrayed him, which he indignantly noted as he palmed over the rising swell in his pants, as if the motion would make it simply disappear. With a sigh, Raiden pushed himself up from the couch, and made his way to the bathroom.

He closed the bathroom door and threw off his clothes, leaving them rumpled carelessly on the floor. He stepped into the shower and threw the handle as far left as it could go. He exhaled sharply as icy water pelted his skin, his now rigid body steeling against the freezing liquid onslaught. Goosebumps covered his skin as he shivered frantically. All thoughts fled his mind and washed down the drain, leaving him naked and cold and alone. He ran his hands through his hair, staring into the plash growing at his feet. The ancient pangs of intimacy raced through his head as he fought hard to forget how his last experiences with affection had left him feeling more and more empty each time he tried to let someone get close to him. He felt nauseated even remembering her name.

_When will you learn?_

Under the frigid grip of the water, he felt himself relax a bit. Maybe, he figured, he was overreacting. Snake was right, he shouldn’t be so hard on himself. But to him, it felt natural, like the punishment was second nature. He took a deep breath as his heartbeat started to calm again, feeling ridiculous for reacting so harshly. But it still felt wrong to think about Snake like that, no matter how he tried to spin it in his mind. As if he was somehow intruding on Snake’s space if he did. He respected Snake too much to think those things about him. And besides, nothing would ever come of these unwelcome thoughts anyway, why give them the time of day?

_Snake isn’t interested in you like that._

Raiden sighed.

_And even if he was, you’d fuck it up anyway._

Raiden flipped the water off, quickly covering his shivering form with the spare towel Snake had left out for him. He dried off quickly before throwing his clothes over his wet head, forgoing proper hair drying in favor of the easier method of air drying.

Water dripped onto his shirt from his still saturated hair, creating tiny icy shivers wherever they landed, spawning dark, wet freckles on his sweater-clad shoulders. He shook it off as he returned to the living room where he found Sunny, thoroughly bored as she babbled senselessly on the floor, her tiny fist clutching the blanket as she boorishly flung her arms up and down. Raiden watched her for a moment before making his way breezily across the room. He surveyed the sparse furniture that Snake did have in his living room, which, aside from the sofa and end tables, consisted solely of the wood stove, two small bookcases, a TV, and a barren coffee table.

Raiden curiously inspected the bookcase, which was sparsely filled with a meager collection of well-worn books. Sitting down in front of the bookcase, Raiden could see more clearly the nearly bisected spines of each book that sat on the shelf, wrinkled and arced with use. He delicately ran his fingers over them, inquisitively absorbing their cracks and creases. Though there were only a few, Raiden could tell that each book had been pored over time after time, each seeing a great deal of use. One in particular, however, had clearly seen much more love than the others, as evidenced by the white, feathery spine whose title could no longer be read after having been held open too long and too often. Raiden pulled it from its place, admiring its crackled red cover and bold white text—still legible after all its years. _Slaughterhouse-Five._ Raiden thumbed the book open, taking in its warm, earthy scent. He had never had a chance to be much of a reader, but he appreciated the love people had for the smell of a good old book. The pages were surprisingly clean, despite the outer wear and tear—no dog ears or pen marks—only a few crinkles here and there marred the paper. Curiously, Raiden skimmed through the first few sentences, hoping to maybe get an idea of the plot. It wasn’t until his back started to ache and his tailbone screamed against the hard, wooden floor that he realized he was already fourteen pages in.

Returning the book to its spot on the shelf, Raiden eased himself off the floor, enjoying the relief his back felt almost immediately as he returned to his spot on the couch. Desperate for something to do to release her of her boredom, Sunny whacked eagerly at Raiden’s leg. He picked her up off the ground, settling her gently on his knee, bouncing her up and down to her absolute delight. Her joyful screeches and laughter made Raiden smile. He couldn’t remember the last time something he did had made someone as happy as this. Granted, he figured, she was just a baby and didn’t know that she should stay far, far away from him, as should anyone else for that matter. But for the time being, Raiden figured she’d have to make do with him. At least, until she could learn to be afraid of him. Assuming he’d be around that long. But this was good for now. Especially for Raiden. Though his experience with babies was limited, he found that her smile made his heart grow warm, something that didn’t frequently happen. If he could make Sunny happy, then maybe, he thought, there was still some good in him after all.

All too quickly, the pain in Raiden’s leg began to spike with all the jostling it was doing, and to Sunny’s disappointment, he pulled her up onto his lap as he let his leg fall limp. Leaning far back into the couch with his legs outstretched, he nestled Sunny comfortably atop his chest. Even with all her energy, she quickly tired out, burying her face into him as she got cozy, closing her eyes. While her face was obscured from Raiden’s view by her silver hair, he could feel as her breathing slowed into the lethargic, heavy respiration of sleep. He lightly placed a hand on her back, savoring the warmth that emitted from her. He could feel as her tiny chest pushed against his with every inhale, her small heartbeat radiating into his hand. It had been a long time since he had had such a close, tender connection with another person, and the comfort that Sunny was able to find in him made him feel, for once, less alone. He could see the allure of children. The unconditional love they gave. The joy they feel when they look at you. But Sunny scared him. How could he protect her from the world? How could he protect her from himself? Raiden had never known a normal childhood, and feared that he didn’t have the necessary experience to be able to raise Sunny like a normal kid. He would find some way to screw her up. He knew it. Or, if he didn’t, someone else would, and he’d have to stand by and watch it happen. After a certain point, there’d be nothing he could do, and he didn’t think he could take that. But he was getting ahead of himself. No one would ever let him raise a child. Not even Snake. Anyone who knew him knew better than that, he figured. He could never be a good person, let alone a good parent. They would eventually remove him from the situation before that became a problem. And they would be right to do so.

Careful not to disturb Sunny, Raiden pulled his flask from his pocket. It felt surprisingly empty as he swirled the liquid inside, hearing as it splashed against its hollow walls. Had he really drained it that much already? Raiden pushed the thought aside, making a mental note to fill it back up later, and took a few hefty sips before screwing the top back on and returning it to its place. He wondered if Sunny could feel how relaxed the whiskey made him feel. He wondered if she’d be able to tell how synthetic the warmth felt when true joy was unattainable. He guessed not, but human intuition never failed to surprise him. He always assumed that Sunny was a lot more in tune with the world around her than she seemed. She’d had to have been to survive The Patriots’ care. He hoped so, at least. Perhaps if she was smart enough, she’d know to forget she had ever met him. Maybe she’d save herself a bit of trauma that way. But for now, despite all his deprecating thoughts, he was perfectly content to let the whiskey slowly creep over him and hold Sunny tightly as she slept, pretending that everything was okay.

*****

Snake’s rose-red cheeks began to feel hot against the sting of Alaska’s icy air. He hadn’t thought to grab a scarf before he left, a decision that he swiftly regretted.

_I guess even “legends” like me can fuck up, huh…_

Snake grumbled silently to himself as the warm burn in his cheeks spread to his nose, making its way up to his forehead as he trekked through the thick pads of snow. He was almost home and could see the house, but against the bitter wind it felt like it was a million miles away. Every step tosses more and more snow gently into the tops of his boots, and while it didn’t make it very far down, it melted quickly against his warm calves, sending a wet chill all the way around to his ankles. Snake nearly regretted coming out. At the same time, though, he knew that the best way for him to clear his head was to get out of the house. The cold air helped him empty his mind. Reset himself. Even with wet ankles.

He shoved his hands further into his jacket pockets, unintentionally pushing his sleeve in a way that exposed his wrist more treacherously to the blistering air. Snake groaned, thrusting his hands even deeper into the pocket, protecting the vulnerable skin as best he could.

The man walking miserably through the snow did not feel like a legend. He had always wondered what he had done to have been dubbed one. Even if he could understand a concrete reason why others had decided that’s what he was, he still had incredibly conflicting feelings about the title in the first place. Snake knew a thing or two about “legends.” He was created from one. And where had that gotten him? Being a legend, in Snake’s mind, just meant having plenty of bad thoughts and a plethora of people who want you dead. That is, until one day when one of them finally gets you. And then you’re done. That’s the way legends live their lives. The way Big Boss lived his life. He never stopped fighting. Snake didn’t want that. All he wanted was to live quietly in his house, race his dogs, and carry on as if the outside world existed in some reality other than his. Even Snake knew this wasn’t the way his life would work. He knew it couldn’t be so. Even by his own admission, he only felt alive when he was cheating death on the battlefield. No matter how much Snake wanted a life that was different from the one he’d known, he figured it was too late for him. But he’d hold on tightly to the notion anyway, fruitless as it may be.

Aside from Hal, Raiden was the first exception to Snake’s outside world policy in a very long time. He would be lying to himself if he said he didn’t enjoy Raiden’s company. It was refreshing to have another person around, despite Snake’s traditional aversion to other people, and it especially helped that Raiden could relate to Snake’s experiences. It just didn’t help that Raiden seemed to cling to an idea of Snake that was… unrealistic. Snake was well aware that he would never live up to the stories that were told about him. He was just… him. And “him” was awfully disappointing, he thought. He knew that these stories all glorified everything he did, but he was certain that the people telling these stories knew next to nothing about what actually happened. They just perpetuated certain details that they found fun or interesting, surely. He’d never done anything that was worth repeating as far as he was concerned. The fact that even Raiden bought into this fairytale version of him was disquieting, to say the least. He just wasn’t sure how to tell Raiden that. He didn’t want to sound ungrateful for the respect Raiden seemed to have for him, but at the same time, he worried that Raiden would only be let down if he got to know him too well. He knew that Raiden was an adult and would get over it, but he also was unfortunately familiar with the devastation that comes along with realizing that someone is not who you thought they were. He just didn’t ever want to be on the other end of that discovery.

Stomping the snow off his shoes on the porch, he worked the sodden boots off his feet, discarding them just inside the door as he stepped in. He paused, taking care to step much more lightly as he noticed Raiden and Sunny fast asleep on the couch. He tiptoed around the house as he put away his outerwear, careful not to make any noise. In his room, he dug hurriedly through his sock drawer to find a pair that was mostly intact, with only a few holes, unlike the rest of his socks, which were little more than ratty fabric tubes with holes at every possible spot. Once he found a satisfactory pair, he returned to the couch, careful not to disturb Sunny and Raiden as they slept.

He tore off his sopping socks, savoring the warm comfort of the heat from the wood stove on his icy toes. Snake stretched out comfortably, pushing his clean-socked feet as close as he could to the fire. It definitely felt nice to be back inside. Returning to the house from the raw, biting cold always reminded him why it felt like home. It was cozy, it was safe, and it was his, and the bitter outdoors always recalled to him how much worse life could be. It kept him grounded and grateful, and he didn’t think there was anywhere else he’d rather be than right at home.

He watched them, their calm breaths the soft sound to break the silence, alone in that regard save for the crackle of the fire. They looked so serene, free in sleep from the horrors of the lives they had been doomed to live, their only repose in the escape of slumber. He wondered if he looked that peaceful when he slept, or if he tossed and turned like a madman trying to claw his way out of his nightmares and back to a reality almost as terrifying. Maybe that’s what Raiden was doing too... He hadn’t considered that before, but if he had to guess, Raiden most likely had nightmares just as bad as his, if not worse. He had lived through a lot more than Snake, even; a fact that Snake frequently forgot. He knew enough about Raiden’s past to know that Raiden had plenty of fuel for bad dreams. He was still so young, but Snake knew exactly what it was like to lose yourself in anguish before getting the chance to grow up for real. Anyone else might look at the twenty-six year old and assume he still had time to be youthful, but they’d be dead wrong. Snake couldn’t even imagine the horrors he’d seen. He didn’t want to. There were unspeakable things that existed in his brain that would make a weak man sick, and as much as Snake got curious on occasion, he didn’t dare venture down that rabbit hole. Especially not _with_ Raiden. There are some things that are best left untouched, and this was one of them.

Raiden began to shift, holding Sunny tightly in his arms as he readjusted his position on the couch, stretching out his back. He took a deep breath, exhaling slowly as he groggily awoke. He blinked the sleep from his eyes, taking a moment to clear his head and reassess his surroundings. Making sure he held Sunny steady, keeping her head firmly against his chest so as not to wake her, he slid himself upright on the couch, crossing his legs comfortably. He stroked Sunny’s soft hair as she let out a contented sigh, still fast asleep.

Snake smiled. “I didn’t know you were good with kids.”

Raiden felt his face flush as an embarrassed grin spread across his face. “Ah, I’m not really. It’s good luck, I guess.”

“Don’t sell yourself short. You’re a natural with her.”

Raiden chuckled a little, almost as if scoffing. “Sunny’s just easy.”

Snake grunted. Raiden studied his stoic face, watching as his blue eyes gazed into the fire of the stove. Raiden wondered what was going through his head. It was so impossible to read him, and in all their time together, he still hadn’t quite figured Snake out. He was an enigma.

“Do you ever think about… You know…” Raiden wondered.

“Olga?” Snake eyed Raiden for a reaction. He gave a slight nod, confirming Snake’s conclusion, but treaded lightly, unwilling to say her name aloud as it sat on his tongue, receding into his thoughts. It felt forbidden for him to say it out loud now.

Snake considered the question. “I do,” he said. “She was…” 

He struggled to think of anything more meaningful to say than “a good soldier.” 

“She died for her child. She saved you. How could I forget that?”

He pulled a cigarette from the pack in his pocket, his face illuminated by the glow of the tiny lighter flame. “But I wasn’t there.” He took a hefty drag, letting the smoke fill his lungs all the way to the bottom. “I’m sure you think about her all the time.”

“I can’t stop,” Raiden said, “She… Solidus would have killed me if she hadn’t stopped him. I know she didn’t do it for me…” Raiden’s eyes turned downward, quickly feeling the glaze of tears threaten to break on his waterline. He stroked Sunny’s hair tenderly, seeking more to comfort himself than her. He wasn’t sure it was working. “I just can’t help but think that she deserves better than me.”

Snake’s eyebrows furrowed into a sad, quizzical expression that could only be conveyed as pity.

“Is that why you brought her here? Because you thought I’d take her off your hands and absolve you from the responsibility?” huffed Snake, a bit more harshly than he intended.

“N-no!” Raiden stammered. “No, it isn’t like that, I just thought that… I mean, I don’t know anything about kids. I didn’t know who else to go to… I didn’t have anyone else…”

Snake watched as Raiden’s face turned from embarrassment to bleakness, his eyes watching the floor, refusing to look back at Snake. His cheeks were red, and instantly Snake was struck with guilt, feeling as though he’d snapped a bit too much. He reminded himself that Raiden was in a precarious situation, and it was true… He had no family to return to. He wasn’t sure if he even had a home of his own. There was only one person he could think of, and before he could censor his thought—

“What about _her_?”

Raiden swallowed hard and all too quickly, Snake could see he made a mistake. But still, the curiosity weighed on his mind, and though he had already decided to not go certain places with Raiden, he half-hoped that he would answer. When they had last parted, after all, wasn’t it her that he went to? He was sure he had seen them, and though he never heard what was said, all of the visuals screamed hope to him. But here Raiden was, in his living room with tears in his eyes at just the mention of her.

Raiden hesitated, searching for the right words. “There’s… nothing for her. Not with me.”

Snake watched him carefully. “Hmm.”

“Really it’s just… I guess it just happens that we’re not a good fit after all.”

No matter how Raiden wanted to flood Snake with an impossibly long slew of self-deprecation that pained him well into his soul, he couldn’t shake the notion that Snake would see him as weak. Snake was an icon; he was Raiden’s hero. Raiden couldn’t let him know how feeble he actually was. A real man has his emotions in check, and Raiden tried his best to reel them in, but no matter how together he was on the outside, sadness still panged in his chest. He forced a smile, hoping to punctuate the thought, the lie, that it was all ok. Would this ever actually convince Snake? The look in his eyes, the raised eyebrow, the general air of skepticism all told Raiden that the answer was no. He wasn’t sure what he could do to convince him, and he was pretty sure that even if he could think of something halfway convincing, Snake would be too perceptive to buy into it.

 _You don’t become a legendary soldier by believing every blatant lie told to you_ , Raiden thought.

But maybe he didn’t really need to convince Snake. Maybe he’d get lucky and he’d just drop it. Raiden could tell that Snake knew he’d struck a bit of a nerve, but he was ready to move past that and talk about something else. Anything else, really.

Raiden let out a deep, cleansing sigh. “Why don’t we just relax the rest of the day. Watch a movie or something. It’s been a little too eventful for my taste lately.”

Snake was secretly relieved by Raiden’s subject change. He seemed to hold it together pretty well, right? Snake couldn’t have hurt him _that_ badly by bringing her up. Right? Selfishly, he chose to ignore Raiden’s obviously deceitfully calm demeanor, though he couldn’t shake the guilt that twinged deeply in his chest. As all other things, he made the conscious choice to ignore it, though somehow, that only made it worse.

“I uh… I don’t have much of a collection,” Snake confessed. “But, I think if you find something you like, we can put that on.”

The outward tension immediately evaporated in the room as Raiden began to survey Snake’s sparse and highly eclectic choice of VHS tapes that sat largely untouched in a discreet cabinet under the TV stand, hidden away from everything else. Raiden was unsurprised. To him, Snake seemed like exactly the type of person who would feel better if people didn’t know intimate details about him, like his middle name or last name, or the fact that he watched movies like everyone else. Those things were too… _regular_ for someone like Snake. Even as he sat in his home, Raiden had a hard time picturing Snake doing anything ordinary, really. But as Snake opened up his mini-stash of movies, unwittingly spilling the guts of his normalcy, Raiden got his first noteworthy glimpse into the fact that Snake, too, was a human being.

He parsed through the tapes, noticing a fairly distinct pattern within them.

“Do you own any movies that were made after 1985?”

“1985? Yeah, course.”

He searched diligently through the collection, fingering a single tape before pulling it from its place and handing it matter-of-factly to Raiden, trying very hard to seem uncaring. Really, though, he cared quite a lot. A lot more than he thought was possible or than he cared to admit.

“Die Hard?”

“Y-yeah…” Snake replied, feeling his face heat up with bashful warmth. “What’s wrong with that?”

Raiden burst out laughing. Snake watched his fit of laughs with curious wonder, a quizzical eyebrow raised. He was glad to see Raiden so happy for once, but did it really have to be at his expense?

“Snake, Die Hard was made in 1988. Is this really the most recent movie you own?”

Snake’s mouth opened to speak, but the words failed him, an airless breath escaping instead.

“Uh… well yeah,” he answered. “Is that… bad?”

Raiden managed to contain his laughter, realizing quickly that Sunny had begun to stir, her tiny fists managing to tangle in Raiden’s nearly dried hair as she reestablished her surroundings.

“Oh, shit,” Raiden exclaimed. “I’m sorry, Sunny. Shit.”

Snake smiled, relieved the attention was off him for a moment. “Like I said, a natural.”

Raiden smiled, gently pulling his head away as he struggled to worm his hair out of Sunny’s grasp. Though he took great pleasure in watching Raiden’s struggle, Snake set his cigarette gingerly in the ashtray, careful not to let it roll, and reached out and gently took Sunny from Raiden’s arms, tucking her carefully into his chest. Raiden was amazed at how quickly she got comfortable, closing her eyes again as she drifted softly back to sleep.

“And you say I’m the natural…”

“I mean, you are. I’m just better, I guess,” Snake mused.

“As per usual, Solid Snake saves the day.”

Snake grunted, his smile fading nearly imperceptibly. He sighed, unwilling to let his mood falter.

“Well, did you find anything you want to watch?” he asked.

Raiden turned back to the movies, scratching his chin thoughtfully. “I gotta say, you have a lot more ninja movies than I had thought.”

“The Samurai were fierce and honorable, what’s not to like?” Snake inquired.

“No, they’re great. I just never pictured you as a Samurai guy.”

“Yeah, well… I’m not much of a movie guy.”

“Now that I _did_ picture.” He continued to sift through the movies. “I just didn’t know you were such an 80’s action fan,” he mused.

“I guess these are just the movies I liked when I was a kid.” Snake smiled a dishonest smile. “Never really got a chance to watch many movies as an adult.”

Raiden suddenly pulled a case from the row, holding it up accusingly, smirking, an eyebrow raised in judgement. Kurt Russel’s eyepatch-donned face gleamed on the cover, the epitome of the American Action Hero.

“Escape From New York?”

Snake’s smile warmed up. “A classic.”

“Iriquois Pliskin, huh? Very original,” Raiden jeered, raising an eyebrow.

“I never claimed to be an idea guy.”

Raiden shook his head, a smile spreading across his face like the plague. “Who knew you were a John Carpenter fan…”

“You do now,” Snake said.

“Hmm…” Raiden mumbled. “What do you think? Ninjas?”

“They’re _samurai_. Ninjas are different. Ninjas are more similar to—”

“Oh man, I didn’t realize you were an expert on Japanese fighters,” Raiden said teasingly, stifling a laugh.

“It’s an interesting culture. You should read about it sometime. My old survival trainer was half Japanese. Had some interesting stories. And…” Snake paused, searching for words. “I guess, so am I. Sort of…”

Raiden sat quietly, realizing just how much he didn’t know about Snake, and how much he probably never would know about him. Before he could get a thought in, Snake pulled a VHS tape from the collection, bright orange Japanese characters splashed across the cover.

“Why don’t we watch this? It’s one of my favorites,” Snake said, handing the tape to Raiden.

“What’s ‘Yojimbo’?” Raiden asked.

“You’ll see. It’s great, I think you’ll like it,” Snake said. “It seems like it’s right up your alley.”

Raiden smiled. “Alright, I trust you.”

Through such a small act as even trying to understand what Raiden liked, Snake had successfully made Raiden feel, for the first time in a long while, that somebody understood him, on even so small a level as his taste in movies.

And that, alone, gave Raiden a reason to smile for real, even if only for a minute.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Chapter 6 coming Dec 11th! :)


	6. Chapter 6

The movie seemed to go on forever.

It was in the best way possible that Raiden wished that it would end. He really was entranced by it, truly engaged in the story, but with every moment that passed, he could feel his eyelids getting heavier and heavier as he fought off a blanket of sleep falling over him. Snake was right, it really _was_ right up his alley. The characters, the story, everything about it intrigued him, but his eyelids continued to flutter as he fought against exhaustion. He wasn’t sure if it was the alcohol he’d been sneaking from his flask when he thought Snake wasn’t looking or the overexertion he’d forced on himself since he got there or some unfortunate cocktail of the two, but Raiden was struggling to make it through. It wasn’t until he noticed Snake slumped over with Sunny held gently in his arms, his breath heavy with sleep, that Raiden started to get his second wind and forgot about the movie entirely.

Sunny wriggled around in his arms, struggling to get comfortable again as she seemed to become uncomfortable at the angle that Snake had fallen into. Raiden scooted closer, placing his hand gently on Snake’s arm, letting his palm lay flat against Snake’s forearm, savoring the feeling more than he would have cared to admit, letting it stay longer than felt decent.

 _I just need to move him for Sunny’s sake… That’s all…_ he thought to himself, entirely unconvinced.

Taking the utmost care to not wake either of them, Raiden carefully move Snake’s arm off of the squirming baby, extracting her carefully before nestling her into her bed on the floor. He sat frozen for a moment, listening intently to their breaths, to their movements, for any signs of wakefulness. He let out a sigh of relief after a few long seconds, hearing none.

_Success._

A fleeting thought had passed through his mind, making him wonder if he had intentionally put his hand on Snake’s bare arm where his sleeves were pulled up or if it had just been a happy little accident. While he wasn’t sure how or why his grip had fallen where it did, he was sure that Snake’s warm skin felt magic against his fingers. Something about the heat radiating from Snake in the frigid Alaskan cabin made Raiden feel as though he’d never be warm again if Snake didn’t pull him into his arms and hold him tightly.

_There you go again… When will you stop being so pathetic?_

Before he could even finish chastising himself, though, he found his hands back on Snake’s arm, as if pulled by magnets. His cheeks grew hotter by the second.

His heart raced, the fear of Snake waking up and the excitement of their skin-to-skin contact mixing like magic in his chest, sending warm ripples down his body.

Raiden swallowed hard. Was he really that lonely? It seemed pathetic to him to be so excited by just a touch, yet here he was, his whole body tense as he absorbed the sensation of skin with his fingertips, feeling the web of veins that crawled up his arms, only ever so slightly prominent, yet to Raiden, they couldn’t be more apparent. He allowed his fingers to trace the length of his forearm, relishing the soft but gruff hair that covered Snake’s arm as he made his way to Snake’s hand. Maybe he could blame it on the whiskey he’d been drinking throughout the movie. It didn’t matter if it was the alcohol or not. He was too preoccupied with his little experiment to come up with excuses.

Raiden shook as he traced the soft flesh between the tendons on the back of Snake’s hand, his fingers traversing the rough knuckles, the wear and tear evident in their tough, cracked terrain. Something inside him screamed in his head to stop, knowing that enabling these urges of his would only end up hurting his own feelings in the end, but he just couldn’t make himself let go. Ripe with embarrassment, Raiden could feel his body giving in to the loneliness. A warm shock jolted down his gut, and he could feel himself getting regrettably hard.

_Knock it off…_

But he found himself to be already past that point when his hand gravitated to his ever-growing erection. Excitement flowed through him like lava, the restraint he felt slowly leaving his body with every pass of his hand. He ground his teeth, begrudgingly enjoying the sensation, taking care to be silent.

As much as he wanted to hold Snake’s hand in his, he stopped himself, getting up gently so as not to disturb him. With one final pass of his fingers over Snake’s hard, calloused knuckles, Raiden made his way to the bathroom.

He flipped on the water, turning it just about as warm as it could go, self-indulgent steam filling the room within minutes. He tossed off his pajamas and stepped in, the warm water hitting his skin with fervor, the same manner in which he began touching himself. He felt himself giving in to his carnal wants, his fingers ferociously teasing his cock, closing his eyes as he relaxed into the fantasy.

Thoughts flooded his mind—images of Snake, his tough, calloused hands tracing Raiden’s body. He could all but feel Snake’s fingers on him, surprisingly smooth and soft for all their wear and tear. He felt goosebumps creep up on his skin, shivers passing up his spine as he imagined Snake lightly dragging his nails down his bare back. He stroked himself haltingly, taking his time.

He thought about what it would feel like for Snake to run his fingers through his long, blonde hair, holding him closely, Snake’s other hand wandering downward—more downward than was decent. Raiden imagined Snake gripping him, his gentle strokes matching Raiden’s own, slowly starting, but quickly gaining in vigor. Raiden imagined Snake holding him in place as he viciously stroked him, his domineering grasp making it impossible for Raiden to move, even if he wanted to.

Raiden could feel his head spinning as he ran his hand over his cock faster and faster, the water hitting his back making him relax even more. A small sound escaped his lips as his whole body grew stiff, feeling himself on the verge of erupting as the fictitious Snake stroked him long and hard. Raiden could feel Snake grin against his skin as he saw how close Raiden was. His orgasm overwhelmed him, warm cum spilling over his fingers, dripping down his knuckles before dropping into the water at his feet.

It took him a few moments to catch his breath, but he quickly snapped back to reality when a knock came at the door.

“Y-yeah?” he stammered.

“Hey, I’m heading to bed.” Snake’s voice barely made it through the door over the sound of the water. “Do you need anything before I call it a night?”

Raiden swallowed hard.

_I need…_

Raiden shook his head, letting the thought wash away with the mess he’d made as he held his hand under the stream of water.

_You..._

Raiden cleared his throat. “No, thanks, I’m about to call it a night too.”.

“You know where to find me, then,” Snake called, already heading off towards his room. “Goodnight.”

“Night,” Raiden returned.

He watched as remnants of his deed floated in the water beneath him, a grimace crossing his face as he kicked the water, urging the mess toward the drain. He scrubbed his hands under the showerhead, cleaning them thoroughly before sticking his head under, letting the water cascade down his face, feeling it pour off of his nose and chin, tickling his lips as it flowed.

He stayed that way for what felt like forever, just letting the water wash over him, letting his mind stay blank as he tried to center himself again. His knees felt weak, shaking as the last remnants of exhilaration left his body.

As if on cue, instinctually knowing the most inopportune moment, Sunny began to cry in the other room, startling Raiden out of his meditation. He quickly threw off the water and ran the towel over himself before carelessly throwing it around his waist as he darted into the living room.

He scooped the red-faced baby up in his arms as she howled into his chest, hardly muffling her cries. Raiden bounced her gently up and down, resting his cheek lovingly on top of her head.

“Shhh, you’re ok, Sunny,” he cooed gently to her. “You don’t need to cry, I’m right here! We don’t want to wake up Uncle Snake, right?”

Her cries began dissipating, turning to blubbering whimpers as Raiden rocked her calmly.

“You see? We’re all good here.” Raiden smiled against her soft silver hair. “We’re all good.”

Groggily rubbing the sleep from his eyes, Snake plodded into the living room.

“Seems like I missed all the action,” Snake yawned.

“Sorry, I didn’t want to wake you up,” Raiden murmured.

Snake shuffled over to the two, patting a hand gently on Sunny’s head.

“I don’t mind too much,” he said.

Sunny started to squirm in Raiden’s arms, babbling away in Sunny-speak. Confused, Raiden looked to her face for answers. He and Snake seemed to realize the problem simultaneously as Raiden handed her off to him.

“Oh man, she’s soaked,” Snake remarked.

Raiden rubbed the back of his neck nervously, realizing how wet he still was.

“Sorry, that’s my bad,” Raiden said.

Snake sat on the couch, digging through Raiden’s backpack for a spare onesie, but he found himself surprisingly distracted. 

He’d seen Raiden without clothes before, but he’d been cold and sneezing and Snake couldn’t help but feel bad for him, shivering, trying desperately to cover himself. He had just looked so… pathetic. But here, he couldn’t help but glance at him for just a bit too long. They had been a bit preoccupied in the middle of a life or death situation the last time, but now, with all the time in the world, and with Raiden certainly less vulnerable, Snake’s gaze wandered more than he’d care to admit.

Raiden didn’t notice as Snake’s eyes took in every inch of exposed flesh, now bordering on a more sterile curiosity. He’d never gotten the opportunity to get a closer look at the various codes and bars that were placed with the most deliberate calculation all over his body. A twinge shot through Snake’s heart; he knew they were Solidus’s doing. He couldn’t help but wonder how much of Raiden had been shaped by him. He figured that the answer went deeper than he could possibly fathom—to all foundations of Raiden’s very being during his formative years. Psychological trauma so deep even Raiden couldn’t comprehend it, if Snake had to guess, and physical ramifications down to a frame so delicate and slender that it couldn’t even be disguised by layers of taut muscle; Snake knew that was more than likely a lasting effect a torturous childhood diet full of food laden with gunpowder and god knows what else. He pushed the thought from his mind, unwilling to delve into something so darkly personal and ruin a perfectly good view while he had it. 

Upon first meeting, he remembered thinking that Raiden was pretty. He was handsome, sure, but there was something so lithe about his movement, something about his long, blonde hair that made him feel elegant on the eyes. He wasn’t Snake’s usual type, but it was impossible to not feel inclined toward him. Ordinarily, Snake found his gaze drawn to people more similar to himself, but Raiden stood out from the rest. Looking at him now, Snake could see something much more viscerally masculine about him than before, not entirely in his body, necessarily, but in his aura.

Either way, Snake didn’t really care. Though he didn’t give it much thought at the time, he realized upon a bit of retrospection that he’d thought there was also something about Raiden the first time they met, the way he handled himself for a newbie--or at least, what he’d thought at the time was a newbie-- that impressed him. Considering the circumstances, Snake respected the way Raiden had handled himself, even when everything was unraveling. There was something there that told Snake he could trust him. He knew he’d talked down to him a bit, maybe too much, but considering the circumstances, he felt comfortable working alongside him pretty quickly, depending on him wholly in a pretty dire situation right off the bat. 

He didn’t get much time to dive into his thoughts, being brought back to his body when the damp Sunny started to babble in his arms, reminding him why he’d been digging through Raiden’s bag in the first place. He quickly returned to the task, averting his eyes before Raiden even noticed his intrusive scrutiny, quickly pulling out a fresh new outfit for Sunny.

Raiden watched as Snake wrestled Sunny’s old one off, struggling through kicking legs and Sunny’s constant attempts to roll onto her stomach. He couldn’t help but stifle a laugh as Snake struggled with the squirming baby, not quite sure how to wrangle her. Now that the exhaustion from their long, frozen journey had finally just about worn off, Sunny seemed to be much more energized than before. Snake hadn’t exactly seen that coming, and he feared that his true ineptness with children was beginning to show. His face quickly grew hot with embarrassment as he continued to struggle.

Relief washed over him when Raiden sat beside him on the couch and gently took the onesie from him, quickly easing Sunny into it. Snake couldn’t believe how easy Raiden made it look. Not a second was wasted before Sunny was zipped into her new clothes and ceased her wriggling as Raiden put her back on the floor as she curiously plodded away.

“And you thought _I’d_ be able to take care of her?” Snake mused.

Raiden smiled. “Yeah, not sure what I was thinking.”

Snake surveyed him for a moment. “Really, Raiden. What’s your secret? You don’t strike me as the dad type. How are you so good with kids?”

Only a small twitch at Raiden’s jaw as he reflexively clenched his teeth gave it away, but Snake knew immediately that he’d struck a nerve, wishing desperately he could un-ask the question.

Raiden thought for a moment.

For the second time since Raiden had been there, Snake reached out and put his hand on Raiden’s shoulder, squeezing tighter than before. But Raiden didn’t look at Snake. He could see moisture welling in Raiden’s eyes, a subtle flex of his jaw, as he watched Sunny stamp around. Snake thought back, something _she_ said coming to his mind… His heart dropped as he remembered.

 _Had Raiden been preparing to be a dad?_ Snake wondered with a pang of guilt in his chest. 

Snake squeezed harder, wishing he could squash the thoughts with just a friendly grip of the shoulder. But he knew it was impossible, feeling helpless to stop the anguish. 

“Erm… Raiden…. I didn’t think…” he muttered. “I’m sorry…”

Maybe it was the alcohol, or maybe he was finally coming to terms with his unfortunately insatiable desire for human comfort, but regardless of the reason, Raiden and Snake both were shocked when Raiden nearly dove into Snake’s arms, gripping him in a tight embrace around his midsection.

For a moment, Snake couldn’t move, frozen with his arms hovering in the air. Looking down at Raiden’s silver head buried in his chest, his arms squeezing Snake’s ribs weakly, he realized immediately that Raiden was still a stranger. He didn’t know him. He’d never had the time to get to know him--they’d been too busy staying alive for that. 

_I don’t know you…_

A million thoughts swirled in his head at once, his heart racing amid the chaos. But when he finally rested his hands gently on Raiden’s back, he had a single realization in clarity.

... _But I’d like to…_

Raiden breathed in relief when he felt the welcomed presence of Snake’s arms. The world around him spun and he felt helplessly lost to the rotation. Snake was the only thing keeping him steady now, and though he felt embarrassed at his drunken loss of control, he was grateful for Snake’s reception.

He felt safe here. He felt good. 

Raiden nearly shivered when Snake’s thumbs started to rub gentle, comforting circles into his back, bringing Raiden back to himself completely. By now it was too late to matter, but he felt more level now, the swirl of the alcohol disappearing from his mind. The haze was leaving him. The only thing left now was Snake. Raiden let his tensed shoulders relax, his hands squeezing Snake lightly. He could feel Snake radiating warmth under his palms, and it felt good. It felt human. The first human contact he’d had in a while. So long, in fact, he hardly knew what to do with it. He didn’t care, though. He was content to stay there, breathing in Snake’s scent through his sweater. The airy musk and faint smell of cigarettes that he’d always associated with Snake was now so close to him that he could hardly remember what it felt like to smell it faintly from afar. 

Snake watched Raiden’s back rise and fall, slower and slower as his breathing calmed down. He could feel Raiden’s heart beating against him, becoming more and more placid as he relaxed, the tension leave Raiden’s muscles and could only feel contented to hold him there. Not since the last time he’d seen Hal had anyone been able to rely on him like this, and though he didn’t like to admit it, Snake sort of liked it. He liked being able to help people, and with his background, he was so accustomed to having to justify to himself the often violent ways in which he was “helping.” Sometimes, it felt nice to just do something unquestionably good. 

He let one of his hands wander upward, placing it firmly against the back of Raiden’s neck. He gave him a light, comforting squeeze before stroking his hair reassuringly. It had mostly dried by now, and was much more soft than Snake had expected it to be. He enjoyed the feeling, something he hadn’t really anticipated. He’d never been one for tender moments, but something about this felt different to him. He felt comfortable, which he often found unsafe. But now, it just felt nice as he took pleasure in the silkiness of Raiden’s hair as he ran his fingers through it, indulgently allowing them to occasionally become entangled in it.

They stayed that way for what felt like hours, both content to comfort and be comforted in one another’s arms. After a long while, with no prompting from Snake, Raiden slowly pushed himself up again. He scooted back onto the couch, seated next to Snake at a close, but not overly invasive distance. He folded his hands in his lap and studied the floor, a look that Snake had seen before. There was one difference this time, however.

Raiden was smiling.

It wasn’t an overzealous grin, but the corners of Raiden’s mouth were turned up unmistakably, no matter how slight, and his eyes didn’t have the sad, longing vacancy that they usually did. Instead, in them, Snake saw light. And when he saw it, he knew he never wanted to see anything else. 

Raiden waited a while, watching the flickering of the wood stove flames behind the cast iron door. The heat seemed to overwhelm the room, but Raiden wasn’t sure if that was just the warmth inside him finally matching the temperature outside. He felt it radiating in his chest, migrating down his shoulders to warm his fingertips. 

Snake turned to Raiden, the same light still glistening his eyes. “We should get a better bed for Sunny, don’t you think?”

Raiden turned suddenly. It was clear that the light was waning and apprehension would soon overtake it. 

“What do you mean?” he asked.

Snake shrugged. “I’m not a baby expert, but it doesn’t seem right to have a baby sleeping on a dog bed for forever.”

“Is that… are you saying that..?”

“That if you guys are gonna be here a while, you should be comfortable,” Snake finished.

Snake smiled, hoping the offer of a more stable solution would help Raiden feel further at ease. Maybe, he figured, if Raiden had somewhere safe to stay for a while, he’d be able to figure out more than just what to do with Sunny. Maybe he’d figure out what to do with himself. 

And Snake didn’t really mind Raiden’s company, after all.

His words apparently didn’t have the intended effect. 

Raiden turned, his eyes cast again to the floor, then to the gentle snowfall outside the window. His heart raced, blood rushing in his ears, deafening him. 

“I think… I think I want to go walk for a bit,” he stammered, standing abruptly. 

Snake was frozen in surprise. “Do you want me to come with you?” he asked, wondering why in the hell he was hoping so badly that Raiden would say yes. 

Raiden indefinitely quashed those thoughts as he scrambled for his shoes and jacket, swiftly heading out the door. 

Snake sat stunned on the couch, his hands feeling strangely empty as they lay open on his lap, craving the soft, silver hair once more. His head felt cloudy as the haze of exhaustion overtook any rational thoughts or feelings he could have had. 

_Why?_

Why didn’t Raiden want to stay with him? What about the idea of Snake pushed him away so much, so forcefully? Did Raiden see what Snake saw when he looked in the mirror? Was there nothing more in his eyes than the cruel machinations of a sibling or a parent that Snake neither felt for nor wanted? 

He wondered if he’d been wrong to think that he could relate to Raiden. Maybe he’d been too wronged by those he’d known before Snake. 

Maybe, when Solidus still had the illusion of youth, raising up an army of young boys, he’d looked just like him. 

Perhaps it was Snake’s face who had handed young Jack meal after meal laced with gunpowder to keep him compliant. Who forced him to kill. To teach others to kill. 

_Maybe it was me who killed his family._

What an idiot Snake had been to not see it before…

_Every time he looks at me, he just sees pain._

_*****_

The snow was piling higher and higher, making it increasingly difficult for Raiden to continue along his path. He didn’t care, though. It sobered him to struggle. 

Even though he’d been healing quite well, shivering in the cold made the wound on his thigh quite irritated again. It stung intensely every time he put weight down on it as he pushed his way through the treacherous snow. 

That sobered him, too. 

He ruminated on the idea of staying with Snake. The permanence was something that should feel warm and welcoming, but it felt like heavy, icy chains around his limbs disguised as ribbons that said “Welcome Home.” He couldn’t shake the feeling. 

He felt unsettled. He hadn’t felt that unsettled since...

_Putrid vodka wafting through the air. The stench made him sick. It was all he knew. All he could know. And it came on like a storm cloud shrouding him in thunder. He could feel himself shouting, but the words were senseless. Or he couldn’t decipher their meaning._

_He was senseless._

_It was dark, but he could see her crying. Retreating. Slowly, so as not to upset him._

_He was crying, too. He didn’t know why._

_He could feel his cheeks reddening, but he wasn’t sure if he was sad or angry or a combination of the two. He was just… confused._

_And afraid._

_“Jack, please…” she cried out in the dark._

_Please what?_

_He couldn’t remember. Didn’t want to. He wasn’t there. Or, at least, he wished he wasn’t._

“Rose…”

He recoiled instantly. Speaking her name stung like spitting bees.

Raiden shuddered, pulling the flask from his pocket, drowning himself in the hot sting of the whiskey. He didn’t want to be sobered. He found that the only thing that made him feel grounded in this senseless mess of an existence was the feeling of losing his grounding. Assimilating into the chaos made him feel correct again. It’s what he felt he deserved. 

He rubbed his eyes, his fingers bright red and stinging, covered in droplets of melted snow that scalded him like freshly-forged iron. He could see the glow of the house lights in the distance behind him, barely visible through the flurry. He wanted to move away from them, until they disappeared completely, then keep going, far into the wilderness where he could just disappear, the last trace of him vanishing underneath blankets of Alaska snow.

There was some feeling deep down, however, that fought all others. He wondered if it was the warmth of the whiskey making him feel alright again, or the cold of the snow finally gripping him in hypothermic bliss so he could just pass away already. Neither of those things was the case, though. Against all other apprehension, there was one thought that crept into his mind over and over, no matter which terrible memories tried to rear their heads. One face came to him through it all. And god damn it, he just couldn’t push it away.

_Snake..._

His feet stopped moving, refusing to press forward, something in his head screaming to turn back. Why couldn’t he keep going? Why wouldn’t his body cooperate? His mind told him to go, but in his chest, he felt something else. Something deeply entangled in him that he just couldn’t get away from, which scared him, but exhilarated him.

Something that felt like…

*****

Love was something that had never come easy to Snake. He’d often found himself doubting the value of relationships beyond those that were made rather than discovered. Those forged in the irons of suffering, where one could only rely on the other, proven beyond a shadow of a doubt by blood. Shaped in the trenches of war, cemented by the looming presence of the thin veil between life and death. Love that was builtd. He’d had that kind of love only once in his life. Other loves had passed him by like ships in the night, but this love was different. He had a special place in his heart for that love, and he knew that that was the sort of love that one could truly value, one that took effort. 

Children were different, though. 

When he looked at Sunny, Snake felt nothing but love. He had no idea how or why, but it came so naturally to him. The urge to protect her and watch over her was a strong one, and though he honest to god had no idea how to interact with her and was terrified of ruining her, he knew that he’d be willing to kill for her without question. He wondered if he’d feel even more strongly if Sunny were his own daughter, curious as to how deep a father’s love could possibly go. If this was how strongly he felt after caring for her only briefly, he couldn’t even fathom how deep it would go for one’s own offspring.

Snake almost envied fathers. But more than anything, it made him angry.

It made him angry to think that he had a father, one who didn’t feel even a molecule of this love for him. He’d been raised by nice enough folks, but to have a true father who would kill and die for you must be something so special, and he would never know what it felt like.

But It didn’t matter now. His father was dead. 

_Good riddance._

Snake sat up a bit on the couch, half-asleep, watching Sunny’s tiny body rise and fall with heavy, sleep-filled breaths. He rubbed his eyes, brushing the sleep out of them, snapping his mind back to the present, dragging his psyche out of the spiral of despair he was bound to go down at the rate he was going.

He stood, dragging himself to the window, cupping his hands against the window to block out the flickering fire light, straining his eyes to search the area. He saw nothing. It had been so long already, he thought. Raiden should have been back by now. He fought with himself, debating whether it’d be best to go looking or to leave him be. Would he have wanted Raiden to look for him if the roles were reversed?

He knew the answer was yes, but he still wasn’t convinced that stubborn Raiden wouldn’t be hurt by his help. He also knew, though, that he wasn’t just going to let Raiden freeze to death out of pride.

He moved quickly and quietly, praying that Sunny would stay asleep. It was too cold to take her with, and depending on the state he found Raiden in, too dangerous. Without the proper winter gear for her, Snake couldn’t take the risk. 

Suddenly, he was struck by a thought. Rushing back to the closet in the hallway, he rummaged through the mess on the floor, searching out something that in this moment would be more valuable to him than any heaping amount of money. Tossing aside piles and piles of clutter, he found his nugget of hope on the floor under an embarrassing amount of debris.

_Otacon, I could kiss you right now…_

He fastened his boots noiselessly, taking the zipper of his jacket up so slowly he could barely hear the teeth sliding into place. He watched her, still sound asleep, feeling hopeful. He’d just bring Raiden home and the three of them would be back to normal.

He hoped to god that would be the case, anyway.

*****

Raiden could feel his legs weakening. The ever-deepening snow was dragging his feet farther and farther down, and he was running out of energy. His whole body had been preoccupied with shivering, trying to keep him warm, but the tension it caused in his muscles was beginning to make it difficult to move, and he’d expended too much energy already.

Of course, the alcohol didn’t help at all, contrary to what he’d been told about Saint Bernards and small barrels of bourbon.

 _Maybe it’s really better this way,_ he thought. 

He could barely see the light of the house anymore, even though he’d reluctantly turned back a while ago. He couldn’t see anything, really. It was so dark and the snow was so thick that he couldn’t see maybe more than a few feet in front of him, if that. 

Despite what he told himself, he kept pressing forward, stumbling every few steps. He stuffed his hands under his arms, attempting to keep himself warm, but his fingers had gone completely numb. He hadn’t prepared for the cold without the insulation of his skull suit to protect him, and it was now becoming apparent that that was a critical mistake.

 _Fuck…_ he thought. _Snake is gonna be so mad at me…_

He continuously scolded himself as he lurched forward, collapsing to his hands and knees, the blistering snow soaking through his thin pajama pants, stinging at his skin, his palms crying under the iciness.

He tried to catch his breath, panting hard, his heart working double time, but he couldn’t find his bearings. His head was pounding, and he could feel his heartbeat radiating in his fingers as panic clutched his mind. 

He ground his teeth, furious at himself for being so stupid when a familiar warmth came over him. He turned weakly to see Snake kneeling beside him, a flashlight in one hand, draping his blanket over Raiden’s shoulders. He barely had time to react before Snake was hauling him to his feet, despite the protest from his joints. He didn’t intend to, but Raiden let himself sink into Snake’s chest, clinging to the blanket around himself. Snake enveloped him in his arms, fixing the blanket around him a bit, rubbing his back heavily, hoping to warm him up. 

He let Raiden stay that way for a minute before taking him firmly by the shoulders and putting a foot of distance between them, surveying Raiden’s face.

Raiden couldn’t look anywhere else but headlong into his shame, looking Snake meekly in the face. Snake didn’t smile, but his eyes were warm. Raiden could tell.

Raiden had expected Snake to touch his face when he saw Snake’s hand raise, but was surprised when he instead vigorously brushed the snow out of Raiden’s hair. It wasn’t gentle, but there was love in it. Raiden closed his eyes, shrinking away a bit as powder fell around him, tickling the tip of his reddened nose as a few rogue flakes landed there. Finally, Snake stopped, taking off his own hat and planting it firmly on Raiden’s head, pulling it down far enough to cover his ears, nearly pushing his silver hair into his eyes.

Satisfied, Snake put his arm around Raiden’s shoulders and shepherded him forward a few difficult steps.

“Let’s go home, Raiden,” he said, his voice low but welcoming.

Raiden couldn’t speak in response, but his legs began moving again and that was the only reply Snake needed.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Chapter 7 coming Dec 18! :)


	7. Chapter 7

Darkness enveloped Raiden, blanketing him in some warped, lesser perception than that which he’d always been accustomed. He could feel his eyes opening slowly, but was powerless to see or understand anything in front of him, blackness cloudin his vision. He thought he could hear footsteps, but he couldn’t place them until they were right next to him. 

He felt something soft and heavy draped over his body, feeling as if it were a hundred pounds. 

“S…nake..?” He struggled to get the words out. 

Snake soundlessly appeared in front of him, though Raiden couldn’t see what he had in his hands. 

“Don’t talk,” he said. 

Raiden was surprised to feel something warm and wet on his forehead, but it felt nice to say the least. His whole body shook viciously. 

Snake watched Raiden’s muscles relax a bit from the warm compress before pulling the blanket down so that the edge lay ust above his ribcage. He gently laid down another warm compress over the center of Raiden’s chest, watching as Raiden recoiled away from wayward droplets that ran down his side. When Snake was satisfied with the placement, he procured a warm glass of water from the kitchen before returning to kneel by the couch, gently lifting Raiden’s head just a bit. 

“Snake…”

“Don’t talk, just drink,” he said, holding the glass in front of Raiden’s mouth.

“I…”

“If you don’t drink, I’ll have to dig out an old IV rig and stab you. You’re going to dehydrate. Just drink.”

Raiden took the glass to his lips and drank as much as he could, struggling to make his throat swallow, before relinquishing the glass. Snake gently laid his head back down before heading back to the kitchen. 

“Please, Snake…”

“Be quiet,” Snake said, his voice perfectly even. “You could still die.”

Those words of comfort were the last thing Raiden heard before he slipped away again into the darkness. 

*****

The morning light hit Raiden like a truck. His head throbbed so violently he could hear it in his ears, his joints aching so horribly he wasn’t sure he’d be able to move, creaking with every attempt. His hair was plastered to his forehead, dried sweat overtaking his skin. His hands were cold and clammy. He threw the blanket off of himself with great effort, but aside from that, could move no further. 

Instantly, he regretted that, realizing he was undressed down to his boxers, the cool air making all the hair on his body stand on end. He shivered, his eyes glazed over, searching the floor for the blanket, hoping to rectify his mistake. He could feel the heat radiating from the fire, but it just wasn’t cutting it. 

Setting down a warm mug on the table by Raiden’s head, Snake picked the blanket up off the floor and returned it over Raiden’s shuddering form, who graciously accepted it, clearing his throat. 

“Snake…”

“Good morning,” Snake said, focusing on fixing the blanket, fidgeting with the corners. “How do you feel?”

Raiden struggled to swallow with his bone dry throat. 

“You remember that helicopter crash I was in?” He struggled slowly to get the words out. “You know the one…” His throat burned when he spoke, but he pushed himself, desperate to cling to his humor. “Sort of like that.”

Snake chuckled. “I’m not surprised. Didn’t seem to be doing too well for a minute there.”

Raiden turned his head slowly to look at him, his neck aching viciously. “I’m sorry…” he muttered. “It… must have been a long night for you…”

“Long couple of nights, really.”

Jolted, Raiden attempted time push himself up a bit.

“What do you mean?” he asked hoarsely. 

“Relax,” Snake said, picking up the mug. “It was only two nights. You probably don’t remember much, but I periodically woke you up to drink water and all that. You’re fine.”

Raiden collapsed back down to the couch, relieved. “Wish I felt fine.”

Snake grunted. “Well, you can’t go hypothermic and expect to feel great.”

Raiden’s cheeks singed with embarrassment, his senses coming back to him more and more quickly as the memories came back to him. He was hazy on most of it, just as Snake had suspected. Digging deep, he tried to remember what had happened, but the only image he could conjure up in his mind was the distant house light, barely visible past the snowfall. He remembered staring at the ground on his hands and knees for an indeterminate amount of time, during which he was sure his digits would freeze right off. Then he remembered Snake, his stern, gruff face securing a blanket around his shoulders, feeling in that moment like he could’ve crumbled to the ground, but pushing forward for Snake. But still, there were gaps in the memories. 

“How did I get back here?” Raiden inquired. 

“You walked about ten feet after I got to you. Collapsed almost immediately,” Snake said, gently sliding a hand under Raiden’s back, helping to sit him up a bit more. “I carried you most of the way.”

Raiden struggled to push himself up, the ache in his joints loosening just a little. After finally managing to situate him completely upright, Snake handed him the warm mug from the table, placing a hand gently over Raiden’s to prompt him to drink. Raiden nearly choked on the warm, bitter tea, certain his face turned three shades brighter.

“A lot of water and a little caffeine will do you good. Nanomachines did a pretty good job of regulating your temperature once I got it under control and you stayed pretty hydrated, so all in all, not too bad for a near death experience.” He watched Raiden tentatively sip the tea again.

“I guess I ought to thank you--again--for everything…” Raiden said, warming his hands on the mug, uncharacteristically cogniscient for his current state.

Snake studied him, the unusually pronounced bags under Raiden’s eyes tearing at his chest, his pallid face drained of life. He couldn’t help but feel pity for him. Or, at least, he wanted to think it was pity, for fear of realizing that it went much, much deeper. 

“Don’t forget that you saved my life once, too,” Snake said. “I still owe you for that.”

Despite his fairly ghastly appearance, Raiden appeared to be functioning alright. He felt slow and sore, but the ache was gradually fading and the haze of exhaustion loosened its grip on his mind. Snake was right—a bit of water and caffeine was beginning to do him good. He already felt perkier, even the aroma alone of the tea steadily breathing life into him. 

He leaned forward a bit, the stretch of his spine a relief like none he’d felt before. He quickly finished the rest of the tea, leaving only a bitter, dry taste on his tongue. He let the mug rest against his leg for a moment before Snake took it out of his hands, disappearing into the kitchen again. Raiden could hear the familiar splash as the sink water began to run.

He sat up tentatively, testing each joint with a hesitant bend before committing to each movement, determining the pain was not too much to go completely upright. He looked to the ground when his heart dropped, searching frantically. He quickly stood, ignoring his stiff discomfort, the soles of his feet cold against the floor. He didn’t care.

“Snake?” he called, making his way into the kitchen, holding the wall for support along the way. “Where’s Sunny?”

Snake turned, his soapy hands dripping water onto the floor, watching Raiden hold desperately to the wall. He took a step toward him, as if prepared to have to catch him, should he fall.

“Relax, she’s in my room. I’ve been making too much noise in the living room trying to unfreeze your ass, so I set up her bed in there for now. You should sit down though, you need to rest.”

Raiden’s shoulders fell with a sigh of relief, but he couldn’t help but feel a twinge of distress in his chest. He should have known that Snake would take care of her in his absence. Why should she need him anyway? He wasn’t special; there was no reason for him to be the only one watching her. Of course she was fine without him. Both of them were.

He felt stupid.

With a resounding screech against the floor, Raiden pulled out a chair from the kitchen table and slumped down into it, his legs screaming with relief. Snake was right, he was alive, but definitely should be taking things easier than he was. He propped his elbows up on the table, resting his head in his hand as Snake turned to finish cleaning out the mug.

He let his fingers mindlessly fiddle with his hair, noticing how unkempt and long it was getting, tickling his shoulders even more dramatically than he’d thought was usual. He quickly pulled it back into a sloppy ponytail, relieved to get the pesky hair off his shoulders, though the pieces closest to his face were too short and continued to irritate his ears and jaw. 

Away from the fire, the cold air set in on his skin, raising goosebumps up and down his arms. He shivered, his already tense muscles aching as his body tried to keep warm. He thrust his arms across his chest, planting his hands under them, though it didn’t help much. In just his underwear, the cool air was doing Raiden a disservice hitting him on every square inch possible, but he pushed the discomfort aside. He focused instead on the table, freeing one hand to trace the grain with his fingers, admiring the patterns along its surface, like ripples in a mellow wooden stream. It made him feel calm, as if he could imagine himself floating away in it, feeling it rushing past his fingertips. 

Snake finished with the mug, gracelessly snatching up a towel to dry with. He turned, leaning against the counter as he worked the mug in his hands, carelessly wiping it down. He was focused on Raiden, who seemed to have forgotten completely that he was there, appearing lost in thought. Snake was lost in thoughts of his own, his chest swelling with adrenaline, head rushing with only one thought on his mind. He hadn’t been able to stop thinking about it since he’d brought Raiden back. 

Snake cleared his throat. He could see the mouth of the flask still poking out of Raiden’s jacket pocket by the door.

He recalled a similar flask that he used to carry around himself. Shiny, always half empty, but full of prospect. He could remember every detail of it, even the sting in his nose as he caught the scent while bringing it to his lips. It made him nauseated just to think about. He could remember so much about the flask itself and the drink inside it, but anything else was only faint, foggy visions of life lost in liquor. His life was plagued by nightmares, and his nightmares were plagued by a familiar face that came back to haunt him consistently in his dreams and in the dusty mirror against the wall. Snake had fought that battle already in a life that didn’t even seem like his own anymore, as if he were someone else entirely before setting foot into Outer Heaven all those years ago. The only way to fight the battle after that was with a bottle. And he did. But those times were long gone; the days in which alcohol plagued him were over. He fought his battles differently now. The one thing that continued to bother him was the fact that he couldn’t even remember how he got out of it. That, too, was a blur. He had nothing to offer Raiden. His experience was worthless. Now all he had to contend with was how to get Raiden out of it without any relevant advice or insight.

_Just great…_

He watched as Raiden continued to lose himself in the woodgrain, shivering ever so slightly in silence, goosebumps prickling up over his body, giving strange texture to the barcodes that besieged his skin. Snake quickly slipped away to his bedroom, quietly tearing through his closet to find any spare clothes for Raiden while Sunny slept soundly nearby. Satisfied with a grey sweater and dark, ashen colored plaid pajama pants, Snake returned to the kitchen, setting them down gently beside Raiden on the table.

“You should put these on, you’ll freeze.”

Snake half turned, awkwardly trying to afford him even just a bit of privacy while Raiden situated himself, but Raiden didn’t really seem to mind. 

“Thanks,” Raiden said, smoothing down his new grayscale wardrobe. “I didn’t even notice how cold it was for a second there.”

Snake thought the color suited him. Color seemed out of place on him, but this darkly monochrome outfit seemed to fit every shade of despair that he felt. Snake spied the flask again, words tangling in his throat as he tried to speak.

“You know, Raiden, there’s something I want to say,” Snake blurted, frantically trying to plot out a tactful approach to the subject while remaining nonchalant. “There’s just… I’m starting to worry,” he grunted. “And I don’t say that lightly.”

Raiden fought to raise his gaze to meet Snake’s. Despite how hard he was trying to brush off the previous nights with nonchalance, he could quickly feel the perk of the caffeine and water being cancelled out by dread, quickly wearing on his mind. Apprehension took hold of him, his heartbeat rapidly increasing as the anxiety set in. 

“It’s just…” Snake tried again. His face grew red, frustration strangling his chest. The words were there, but he didn’t know how to express them, trying hard to reach into the depths of his empathy to say something that meant anything. But this was not his strong suit. 

Raiden had a feeling that he knew where Snake was going with this, his intuition giving him a million warning signals telling him to run. He watched Snake struggle, looking for words of his own. Anything that would stop Snake from saying what he was trying to say. 

“Drinking is a crutch…” Snake blurted, before Raiden could rise to cut him off. Snake breathed a sigh of relief as he slowly put the rest of the words together, doing his best not to look Raiden in the eye. “I just don’t want you to feel like it’s something you can rely on to help you. I promise it isn’t.”

He rubbed the back of his head nonchalantly, searching the floor for more. 

“I’m not trying to be sappy or anything like that, I just…. hrmm……” Snake’s face grew redder by the moment, shifting uncomfortably as he wrestled with sentiment. “I want you to know that you can leave the past behind, you know… or whatever…” His eyes wandered the cabinetry, the expansive woodwork offering him the only chance of escape. 

Raiden looked again to the table, drawing Snake’s eye. He expected to see Raiden’s face contorted in sadness or eyes filled with tears unwilling to be spilled, but was instead perplexed to find him stoic, his jaw grinding, deep in thought. The silence unsettled Snake, but just as he had decided to break it, Raiden looked up at him, speaking first. 

“Thank you, Snake.”

He grunted. “It’s nothing,” he replied, hoping to brush it off.

Snake crossed his arms, wondering if it truly was enough. He didn’t think that he was capable of actually saying words that could ever carry as much weight as he’d like. It had finally occurred to him that night how urgent it was that he let Raiden know how badly he needed help--and how badly Snake wanted him to get it.

_“Stay with me, Raiden, god damn it!”_

_His heart pounded in his chest, struggling as he felt Raiden go completely limp at his side, the fresh snow soaking him up to his knees as he fell._

There was never any warning before that had struck him as this one had that, but he knew now, with no degree of uncertainty, that Raiden was on a fast train to disaster if he didn’t get in under control. 

_Snake dropped to his knees, gently shaking him. He knew it was against the protocol for hypothermia to shake someone, but his mind descended into full panic mode and for a moment, he couldn’t remember for the life of him what that protocol, or any other protocol, for that matter, was. Sweat formed on his brow._

_The only thought he could think was that he needed Raiden to wake up and be alright. Right now._

Snake shuddered as the images and thoughts flowed back to him. He gritted his teeth to keep from making a face. 

_Scooping the listless Raiden up in his arms, he trudged for what seemed like forever through the snow. The dogs howled restlessly as he pushed himself past the enclosure, sensing the danger. He could barely feel his own fingers when he kicked the door open, breaking the knob. He didn’t care. He knew he could fix it. But he needed to fix Raiden first._

He knew he couldn’t tell Raiden the details of the night. He couldn’t help but trying to push them down, himself, hurrying the thoughts away like tiny, pesky mice. No matter how hard he tried, he couldn’t stop thinking about it. He could recall the exact fear he felt in the moment and it pained his chest as it was unwillingly summoned back to him. He didn’t want to be afraid like that again. He wasn’t sure why, but it hit him so much deeper than he could have anticipated. 

_Amid slurred speech and mumbling words, a word was spoken which struck Snake in the pit of his stomach like a hammer. One he was embarrassed to admit hurt him so much. He could still hear Raiden whisper it with desperate longing._

He quickly pushed the memory from his mind, pulling himself back to the present. There were much more important things to think about now, and he couldn’t be a hypocrite and dwell on the past. 

Snake and Raiden were both drawn to the potent sunlight coming from the window, soft and golden, the sun still fresh over the horizon. Their eyes wandered over the crisp black silhouette of the trees in the distance. 

Raiden watched the way the unsettled dust danced in the early morning light, floating freely. He almost let himself fall into his thoughts again when he was surprised to feel Snake’s warm hand, pushing his hair back off his face before laying his palm flat against his forehead. Raiden was taken in by the warmth, melting under it, too tired to recoil in embarrassment, though he could feel his cheeks reddening. He couldn’t be bothered to care, though. He relished the touch.

“How do you feel?” Snake asked gruffly. “Your head is warm. You might be getting sick.”

“Don’t worry, I’ll be fine. I’m just tired is all.” A small smile appeared on Raiden’s face. “Your hand is warm.”

Snake quickly pulled away, casually half-stepping away.

“Sorry…”

Raiden took Snake by the forearm, gently pulling his arm back. He held Snake’s hand in both of his, running his thumbs gently over the lines in Snake’s palm, the soft padding at the base of his fingers, exploring every ridge and crevice. 

“It’s ok… I like it…” Raiden whispered.

His eyes were calm; the heat connecting them, sharing the warmth even just for a moment. Both realized simultaneously that it was something they had missed for a long time.

Snake’s cheeks burned hot as he watched Raiden caress his hand. It tickled, but each brush of his fingertips sent chills up Snake’s spine. His heart beat like mad in his chest, anticipation burning within him, but it seemed that was all he was destined for at that moment.

Suddenly, a loud clash and clatter rang out from the bedroom, accompanied by a tiny cry among the cacophony. Bolting, Snake and Raiden were both clamoring through the door almost instantly, freezing just inside the doorway.

Raiden stood statue-like at the door, surveying the mess. Snake’s nightstand and lamp lay knocked over on the floor, a now-broken glass of water in shards all across the floor, the large, bottom portion of the glass still rolling lightly back and forth as it settled in its mess. The part of the scene that confused Raiden the most, which made Snake rub his temples in annoyance, was the small, two foot tall robot standing on its singular wheel with crude, jointless arms outstretched toward the mess with one eye-like camera staring timidly at the two men like a deer in headlights. Raiden could’ve sworn he saw it trembling.

“Ah _fuck_. You piece of junk...” Snake grumbled, crossing his arms, watching as the robot feebly wheeled backward slightly.

Raiden’s jaw was agape, absolutely dumbstruck. 

“Snake…” He took a moment to process his question. “What… the _fuck_ … is that...?”

“A piece of junk, apparently,” he said, stepping over the mess to scoop up Sunny, who was red-faced and wailing. “Otacon made it up for me a while ago to take care of my dogs if I had to be away for a while. I called him up while you were out and had him make a few remote updates to its software to be more geared towards caring for babies instead, but it’s still dumb as hell.”

The robot’s camera eye lowered to the ground, its body hunkering down as it wheeled itself off into the corner. Snake shot a piercing glare at it as he bounced Sunny up and down, smoothing her hair down to calm her. It noticed and made itself even smaller.

Raiden couldn’t bring himself to close his mouth. “That’s… well shit, that’s smart. That was really smart Snake.” He took a step closer, minding the glass on the floor. “Does it have a name?”

Snake thought for a moment. “A name…? Hrmm… I guess not. Otacon called it ‘Metal Gear Mk 1.5,’ but I’ve just been calling it… well, ‘Junk,’ I guess,” he answered, shrugging.

Raiden laughed. “It doesn’t seem all that bad.” His eyes were drawn back to the mess on the floor. “Well, a little clumsy, maybe. But it’s kind of… cute?”

The small robot perked up, cocking its head responsively. 

Snake grunted. “I guess? It’s nothing special. It was originally designed to be a remote mobile terminal, but Otacon adjusted it to be primarily autonomous to care for my dogs when I’m away. It wasn’t even supposed to really be a _thing_ , just… a computer on wheels, of sorts.”

Raiden crouched down, getting on eye level with the automaton, whose camera head was curiously shifting, observing Raiden. 

“Well I think we should give this would-be remote mobile terminal a name, and I think we should call it Remy. Would you like that, Remy?”

The robot sprang up, doing a little circle with its arms in the air. Raiden laughed so hard, Snake thought he could see tears in his eyes.

Snake couldn’t help but crack a smile. He hated that stupid robot. He knew Otacon had designed it to be cutesy, which he found to be incredibly annoying and so in contrast with everything else in his house. Otacon told him that he’d built it that way so the dogs wouldn’t be afraid of it, but he figured that was all bullshit and he’d _actually_ designed it that way to look like an anime robot companion. But no matter how much the robot irritated him, he loved watching Raiden laugh, and he couldn’t think a single negative thought about that… that _Remy_ , as long as Raiden looked that goddamn happy. Even Sunny seemed to be able to sense the change in energy, gnawing pensively on her knuckles as she began to laugh at the robot too.

Careful again not to step on the glass, Snake made his way back to the doorway, Sunny in arm. 

“Can you clean up, Remy?” Snake asked.

Remy tilted its camera to the side curiously, its empty black eye watching Snake with no semblance of knowing. Snake watched it for a second.

“That’s what I thought,” he groaned. “I gotta get Otacon to fix you into something useful,” he finished, disappearing out the door. 

“Don’t worry, Remy,” Raiden whispered, throwing up a thumbs up. “You’re doing great.”

Remy brightened up a bit, wiggling on its wheel. As Raiden left though, its contemplative eye searched the mess around the room, its head exaggeratedly falling to its chest, almost emulating a sigh. 

Raiden sauntered back into the kitchen, his feet feeling cold against the floor. Snake stood with Sunny perched against his hip, tugging playfully on his shirt while he tried his best to fill up a glass of water one handed. 

Raiden, still reeling and fighting the cloud that had overtaken his brain, lost his footing a bit, recovering from the stumble rather quickly. Not quickly enough for Snake not to notice, though. 

“I’m fine,” Raiden said, preemptively. 

Snake grumbled, his eyes narrowing with skepticism. “I think you should lie down and relax for a bit. Your body needs time.”

Raiden sighed. “You’re probably right.”

Snake was shocked, having mentally prepared a high-caliber arsenal of reasoning that the stubborn Raiden would be completely incapable of refusing. 

“Oh…” he uttered, disposing the speech he had prepared with a hint of disappointment. “Well good, then.”

Raiden made his way over to the living room, sitting gingerly on the couch. “Hey Snake?”

“Yeah?” he replied, strolling into the room. 

“I think we need to figure out a better sleeping situation for Sunny. Even if it’s more… permanent.”

Snake paused for a moment, resituating Sunny on his hip. “What made you change your mind?”

“Honestly…” Raiden began, “If Remy can’t not knock over a nightstand that’s sitting completely still, I don’t trust it to not run her over or knock her off the bed.”

“Yeah, I think you’re right,” Snake laughed. He thought for a moment. “I have some spare lumber, we could build one together if you want. Tomorrow. When you feel better.”

Raiden smiled, making himself comfortable on the couch, already feeling himself slipping back into sleep. He’d put on his strong act for long enough, but his body was giving in again. Snake was right. He needed rest. 

“Alright,” he said, drifting off. “Tomorrow.”


	8. Chapter 8

Snake awoke much more peacefully than usual. Had he not known better, he might have been convinced that he’d had pleasant dreams while he slept, an oddly unusual occurrence for him. 

Or maybe he had? He couldn’t actually remember any, but he did wake with a certain euphoric, restful feeling that almost unsettled him. Sleeping through the night was not a pleasantry to which Snake was accustomed, and on the rare occasions where he did, he always awoke with a sense of urgency accompanied by the all too familiar feeling that something terrible has happened or something important has been forgotten. It was more familiar to him than any normal human sense like hunger, tiredness, or thirst.

Snake didn’t have that feeling today. He awoke feeling good. 

He pulled a cigarette from the pack on his nightstand and lit it up, relishing the warmth on his nose near the flame. They tasted stronger than usual, the tobacco sweet on his tongue, relieved that he could have his morning cigarette this morning, since he replaced Sunny into her sleeping spot in the living room with Raiden. He thought to crack the window to keep the smell from sticking around, but he figured he could allow himself the sweet indulgence just this once while he was alone. 

He looked at the clock, surprised to find out that it was already nine. He’d meant to get an earlier start than that, but judging by the silence throughout the house, he figured he’d still beaten everyone else to begin the day.. 

Startled when some ash dropped onto his chest, he hurriedly sat up, brushing it off, pulling himself out of his head. He propped himself up, leaning against the backboard of the empty bed. The wood felt chilled against his skin— something that would usually have been buffered by his pillow, had he not donated it generously to Raiden’s sleeping situation in the living room. He sighed as the cold air settled around him. Thinking on it now, he realized how cold he’d been the whole time, though he never thought even once to complain. He didn’t really mind, as long as Raiden and Sunny were comfortable. 

He took his time to get his feet on the ground, enjoying his cigarette. He watched out the window, surprised to see it had stopped snowing since he’d gone to bed the night before. He was almost disappointed that Raiden slept through most of the previous day, missing out on what was, in Snake’s opinion, one of the more aesthetically pleasing snows of the season. Nice, gentle snowfall in the cool grey sky was almost a pleasant surprise in the midst of the blizzards and other unpleasantly heavy snowstorms that were known to affect the area. More than just relief from the snowfall, being able to watch the flakes lazily drift to the ground made Snake feel more like he was seeing the side of snow that most people fantasized about when they thought of wintertime. Though Snake couldn’t care less about Christmas or any other winter holidays, this type of snow made him understand what made them feel so at peace during that time.

Joy to the world, and all that shit.

But he figured that Raiden would be up soon and it’d be time for them to build Sunny’s new crib together, giving him only a little more time to get himself started for the day. He sluggishly pushed himself from the bed, nearly tripping over Remy’s metal body, which he’d turned into sleep mode until they could guarantee that Sunny would be safe from its clumsiness. 

He pulled some clothes from the closet, puffing on his cigarette impatiently as he struggled to get his foot through the leg of his pants, hopping on one foot as he fought with the garment, more ash dropping onto his bare chest. He sucked in a breath, dusting off the ash as he finally pushed his foot through, grumbling under his breath with his nearly burnt out cigarette perched carefully in his mouth. He managed to get the rest of his clothes on without much issue, though Remy’s sleeping frame wasn’t something he found easy to navigate around without crushing. But boy, would he never hear the end of it from Otacon if he did…

His door creaked ever so slightly as he opened it, hoping desperately that Raiden wasn’t _that_ light of a sleeper. To his relief, as he crept down the hallway into the kitchen, he could hear the heavy, lethargic breathing of deep sleep in the still morning air. Tiptoeing around the kitchen, Snake flipped on the stove, quickly filling a pot with water and throwing it down over the heat. He grabbed his tin of instant coffee, throwing a couple of scoops into two mugs while he patiently waited for the water to boil. 

_A cup of coffee will be a nice thing to wake up to,_ Snake thought. 

He knew it was for him when Raiden had treated him to the same. A considerate gesture, impactful in its own right. A thoughtfulness that indicates that someone is on your mind—someone you want to be considerate of, who you care about. Someone that you feel...

Well, someone that you—

Snake’s heart jumped into his throat as he heard the squeaking of the couch frame in the living room. He froze, the threat of his thoughtful surprise being ruined waning with every moment afterward that was only filed with silence. 

_He just rolled over…_ Snake thought. _Good._

He crossed his arms, continuing to wait patiently, watching as the tiny, simmering bubbles rose to the top, progressively getting larger and larger, steam pouring off the top. Snake could feel the excitement in his chest building, confusing him. Why was he so excited to build a stupid piece of furniture?

Moreover, why was he so excited to build a stupid piece of furniture _with Raiden?_

A deep feeling writhing in his gut told him the answer, but he pushed it back down, focusing on the splattering water, properly boiling. He took it off the heat and poured it into both of the mugs, tossing a spoon in to stir.

He tiptoed out to the living room, anticipating that Raiden would wake up soon to a nice, warm, aromatic cup of the freshest coffee the isolated Alaskan plain had to offer. He set the mug down on the coffee table, feeling strangely satisfied with himself. As quietly as he could, with coffee in hand, he shoved his feet into his boots and pulled on his jacket, creeping out the door. 

He stood on the porch for a moment, taking in the soft whooshing of the wind while the sun was still low and orange, the clouds streaked across the sky, scattered like blotchy cotton balls torn apart in front of a tangerine dream. Snake wondered how something could be so beautiful by accident. Artists spent their lives trying to capture the feelings a striking sunrise made you feel every day, yet the sky did it almost every morning through no intention at all. 

It was magnificent. 

Snake found that continuously fascinating, like many other things he’d never bring himself to verbalize. He contented instead to sit in solitude every morning with a warm cup of coffee to face the majesty of nature. Though maybe, if Raiden were to wake up soon, he’d be able to enjoy it too. 

For a fleeting moment, a thought floated through his mind telling him to wake Raiden up, wanting to share the morning with him, starting the day together. He pushed the thought away, choosing instead to look forward to the day’s activities. He treaded carefully through the snow, making his way to the shed near the dog enclosure. The padlock was old and rusty and sat already opened on latch, no one around to be kept out. Snake pulled open the door with a thud, the bottom scraping dirt and snow as Snake struggled to pull it open. He managed it most of the way before slipping inside, just barely scraping through the door. Dust floated in the air, exploding from under his feet as he thundered through the entrance. He coughed, trying to wave the dust from his face, but in the confines of the tiny space, it was all but unavoidable. He surveyed the dark, dank shed, illuminated only slightly by the daylight leaking in between the dirt and grime on the windows. It’d been a while since he’d been there in the daylight, maybe only having come in once or twice since he’d returned from New York, save for the other night when he’d stumbled around in the dark, struggling to find the parts he needed to fix the doorknob after bringing Raiden home. Seeing it now, though, he realized how unruly and dirty he’d allowed it to become, cobwebs ghosting over tools and wood, sitting in every corner, window caked in dirt, barely able to see out of it, various bits and pieces of things strewn across the floor. Snake never considered himself a messy person, but seeing this made him wonder about his organization and cleanliness habits. 

He pushed the door open as far as it would go before sticking into the ground outside, letting in as much light as possible. He searched for a relatively clean space, eventually settling on the corner of a floor cabinet to set down his coffee. Immediately, he spotted what he’d come in for—wood aplenty. Stacked more neatly than one would’ve thought by looking at the rest of the shed, there were various planks of plywood, large dowel rods, blocks of balsawood for carving, even little strips of basswood for god knows what reason, all leaning against the corner in an orderly fashion. 

Pleased, he began to gather things up, taking countless small trips out with armfuls of wood and tools, tossing them on the ground outside. After what felt like his millionth trip, he finally was satisfied with the collection. He wondered, though, how soon they’d be able to get started. He looked to the sky, the sun nearly overhead already. It was nearing midday and Raiden still wasn’t up yet. He looked to the house, straining his eyes to see through the windows, but he could detect no movement. He grumbled, crossing his arms as he planted his feet, surveying the pile. Letting out a sigh of annoyance, he began to set up a few sawhorses, figuring that maybe just a little more preparation would give Raiden time to wake up. He moved a little slower, taking his time, hoping that Raiden would come out and see him still setting up as opposed to overly eagerly waiting for him. He didn’t want to seem too excited. But at the same time, he was starting to get antsy, annoyed at the prospect of spending too much more time alone. 

If he was being honest with himself, even if Raiden was going through some things and could be a bit difficult to be around at times, he’d enjoyed his time much more since he showed up than he did beforehand, and as much as it begrudged him to admit he was starting to get bored of solitude. He knew, though, that he wasn’t companion material. Even Otacon probably got sick of him after a while, hence his frequent formal breaks and less formal disappearances from Philanthropy. 

He felt his face get red as he tried hard to ignore the thoughts he was having, unwilling to allow feelings to dictate his life. It was objectively bad for him to be around people. It was dangerous, and he would always be called away to do his duty, busy carrying out Philanthropy’s work. He could be a distant, inattentive partner at best, and at worst, an absentee who’s married to his work, risking life and limb without a second thought for the other person’s wellbeing. 

The fact that he was even allowing himself to think about this pissed him off. Since when did he care? He’d never wanted that anyway, and any time he got close to it, it always ended horribly, so why should he try to change fate? He may as well try to change the rotation of the sun, since he was pondering the impossible.

He scoffed at himself, wondering what made him so fucking weak all of a sudden. He could stop a Metal Gear, but couldn’t stop himself from having absurd and inconceivable thoughts? His chest tightened, frustration overtaking him as he caved in to the feelings of anger and self-abuse that swirled in his mind like a hurricane waiting to wreak havoc. He felt his hands trembling as he continued to assemble the sawhorses, grinding his teeth, bearing all his tension in his jaw. 

_The hero always gets the girl in the end and gets to keep being a damn hero. Why don’t I?_

He stopped, pausing to take a breath as he leaned on the sawhorse in front of him, his knuckles white atop his clenched fists. He closed his eyes momentarily, allowing himself to center, exhaling some of the frustration with a sigh.

_I believe at any time, any place, people can fall in love with each other. But... if you love someone, you have to be able to protect them._

He remembered the stupid question Otacon had asked him, and the even stupider answer he gave. He groaned at himself, urging his stupid brain to get over it. But it wasn’t his brain that was the problem.

He took a few more deep breaths, slowly working himself back to normal. He resigned himself to the fact that there were just things beyond his control and this was one of them. He was just destined to live this way, and no amount of wishing or wondering would change it. He wondered why such a solemn acquiescence made him feel so much better, despite his secret wants and desires for some semblance of normalcy. He just accepted instead that for him, this _was_ normal.

Feeling much more calm now, he brushed the dirt and wood splinters from his gloves. His work had been done for now and there was no use wasting time anymore. He carefully stepped over the pile of wood in front of him, making his way back to the house. As he took off his coat and boots just inside the front door, he could see a form under the blanket on the couch, still fast asleep with a long since cold cup of coffee sitting untouched on the table.

 _A stupid gesture anyway_.

Snake grabbed the cup, though not as quietly as he’d been earlier in the day, treading back into the kitchen where he haphazardly dumped the liquid into the sink, dropping the mug in right behind it with a loud clatter. He initially thought he was annoyed enough to be noisy, but upon hearing the sound, he froze, his shoulders stiffening, eyes narrowing, cringing at the noise. He felt instantly flushed with anger and resorted instead to intensely hoping that Raiden didn’t wake up from the damn mug. Snake stood as still as a statue, waiting to hear the distinctive rocking of the couch when Raiden woke up. To his surprise, though, the room stayed completely quiet.

 _Hmm, maybe Raiden really is sick,_ he thought.

He tiptoed into the living room, watching Raiden completely asleep on the couch. The only movement in the room came from Sunny as she stirred in her bed, beginning to wake. Hoping to keep her calm and quiet, Snake quickly scooped her up, gently rubbing her back. Compliantly, she buried her face in his chest, completely at ease as she closed her eyes again and wiggled herself back into comfort. Snake grabbed Raiden’s backpack, still more or less well stocked with things for Sunny and scurried back to his room. Setting Sunny down on his bed with her blanket wrapped around her, he tossed down the backpack on the floor next to Remy’s body, giving it a little nudge with his foot. When Remy didn’t move, Snake groaned, crouching down to flip the little switch behind its eyes, causing it to quickly spring to life.

“Alright, listen here,” Snake growled to the robot. “I need you to watch her and keep her quiet. I only need you to feed her if she gets hungry, change her if she needs it, rock her if he cries, and make sure she doesn’t fall off of anything. Can you do that?”

The robot beamed, doing little circles with its arms raised, excitedly whirring its little motor. 

It gave Snake zero confidence. 

With no other real option and an overwhelming desire for some peace, he sighed, leaving the door cracked open enough for the automaton to be able to open it with his simple hands if it needed to, unsure whether or not it’d be able to turn the knob if required and unwilling to spend the time to find out. He made his way back out to the living room, weary of every creak as he stepped. 

He paused momentarily, watching Raiden’s chest slowly rise and fall. As lightly as he could, he put his palm to Raiden’s forehead. Raiden didn’t stir.

 _Damn,_ Snake thought. _He’s warm, but doesn’t seem feverish. Maybe he actually is sick or something._

Surprised, having known that Raiden was generally a lighter sleeper than that, he resigned to the fact that he must really need the sleep.

He sauntered over in front of the bookcase, squatting down with a quiet grunt and crack of his knees.

 _Goddamn, I’m getting old,_ he thought with grit.

He fingered along the spines, perusing his small, but well-loved selection. He came across one title that he could never resist picking up, evidenced by the illegibly worn spine. While he’d never considered himself an avid reader, he always had a soft spot in his heart for Vonnegut, and guessed that any books he owned, he’d read at least thirty times. When it came to _Slaughterhouse-Five,_ though, he was sure it was at least double. He gently grasped the book, careful not to handle it too roughly for fear it’d fall apart. It was getting close to being on its last legs, and though he knew he could just get another one when it did, he’d also certainly be sad to see it go after all it’d been through with him. He gently ran his palm over the cover, the red fabric course and aged under his fingers. He loved the feeling.

He plopped down in the chair next to the couch, taking one last peek at the sleeping Raiden before cracking open the book to page one. He could truly have started anywhere in the book that he wanted, which he frequently did, going first to his favorite chapters. Something about today, though, drove him back to the beginning. It seemed appropriate.

Hours passed by, flipping page after page after page, only occasionally interrupted by food and bathroom breaks. Raiden had stirred a few times as Snake read next to him, though he never fully woke until much later. The evening sun had glinted off the window in just the right way as to aim its full light into Raiden’s face. He buried his face in the pillow as he bordered between sleep and wakefulness, but only for a moment. Grogginess quickly escaped him as he regained his wits, surprised to see Snake beside him when he finally unburrowed himself from the pillow.

“Snake..?”

Snake pulled himself away from the book, his heart leaping in his chest hearing Raiden’s voice after all this time waiting. Every ounce of annoyance or anger washed away instantly. 

“Yeah, Raiden?” he asked, his voice level. 

“What time is it?”

Snake looked across the room to the clock on the tv stand. 

“Quarter past six,” he said. 

“Quarter past six..?” he echoed. Raiden shot up with sudden realization. “Is it too late to build Sunny’s crib?” 

Snake tried as hard as he could to fight back his smile, but it was useless. Thankfully, Raiden couldn’t entirely see his face, otherwise he might feel some type of way about it, but for now he was content to allow himself at least a little bit of outward joy, subtle though it was. 

Raiden sat up, hopefully eyeing Snake as he awaited a response.

“No,” Snake said, eyeing the sky. The sun was setting, but he’d brave the black of night to get it done if he had to. “I think we can do it.”

Raiden quickly hopped up, getting on his feet much faster and with much more excitement than Snake had expected. 

“Well wait, wait,” Snake said quickly. “How do you feel?”

“I feel great!” he said, stretching. “I think I just slept more than I’ve slept in the last year put together and I’m ready to go.”

“You felt hot earlier, you don’t feel sick?”

Raiden shrugged. “Nanomachines.”

And indeed, that was usually the answer to most things. 

Snake stood with a grumble, his knees and back not entirely excited to leave his comfortable chair. He put his book down without taking the page. It wasn’t like he’d start from that spot the next time he picked it up, anyway. 

He grabbed a sweater, which had haphazardly been thrown over the back of his chair at some point, and pulled it on. Raiden grabbed his jacket, quickly throwing it on over his pajamas, slipping easily into the boots Snake had lent him. He stood, ready to go, watching as Snake hurriedly fastened his bandana around his forehead— a look Raiden had missed, though he only saw Snake in it once, really. But still, he felt like he knew it so well from all the pictures he’d seen, not to mention the VR missions. There was no mistaking its iconic status, and to see it now stirred some type of admiration in him. 

Snake couldn’t help but notice Raiden eyeing the bandana. 

“What?” he asked, pausing. 

“Nothing,” Raiden said, nonchalantly. 

“My forehead gets cold, and it keeps the sweat out of my eyes,” Snake said. 

A grin broke out on Raiden’s face. “You don’t wear a hat like a normal person?”

“No, I—it’s—“

“Is it because you know it makes you look cool?” Raiden asked, raising an inquisitive eyebrow.

Snake turned away slightly, his face turning bright red. 

“No!! Besides, it… really doesn’t…”

Raiden scoffed skeptically. “It really does.”

Snake grumbled to himself, fidgeting with it slightly. “Let’s just go do this,” he murmured.

He strolled out the door, leaving Raiden to laugh quietly to himself before quickly following him out. 

Raiden was shocked to see the setup Snake had already put together, surprised to see a thin layer of soft snow covering it already.

“When did you do all this?” he asked, trying not to seem too astonished 

“Oh, I just thought I’d get a head start. Save some time and let you sleep a little bit longer.”

Raiden marvelled at his large collection of wood, impressed by the setup, though he shouldn’t have been surprised. He had assumed Snake was pretty handy, probably having built the house, the shed, and the kennel all by himself. Still, with his limited experience with building anything in his life, he was impressed nonetheless. Raiden stood with his hands on his hips, surveying the pile curiously.

“Alright, where do we start?” he asked.

“Hmmm…” Snake rumbled. “Well we should start with the base, but it looks like I didn’t grab my hammer.” He scratched his head, thinking hard on the last place he’d seen it. “I think… maybe I used it when I was repairing one of the doors in the kennel? Hang on, I’m gonna go check.”

He strolled off, disappearing into the kennel. Raiden’s eye was again drawn to the pile of wood, particularly to a couple of large dowel rods, an inch thick, probably around three feet long, giving him the most childish idea he’d had in quite a long time.

In the kennel, Snake slowly walked the length of the median, peeking into the individual enclosures on each side in search of his hammer, boots resounding against the clean wood floor, save for a bit of straw that was tracked out of the enclosures every now and then. Snake made a mental note to sweet again soon, though he’d just done so recently, still mostly satisfied with the state of it. But the little bits of straw would drive him crazy, he thought. He had made it nearly to the end when he heard Raiden’s voice echoing in from the doorway, approaching quickly.

“Catch, Snake!” he called. 

Snake turned, thanking his quick reflexes for allowing him to quickly catch the dowel rod that was thrown perfectly square to him. He saw Raiden, already brandishing his like a rapier, his stance readied for battle. Snake shook his head with a slight scoff, though he could hold back the smile creeping up on his lips. 

“What? Come on, they never teach you how to handle a sword?” Raiden taunted playfully. “It’s ok, you don’t have to feel bad if you lose.”

“Raiden, do you really want to embarrass yourself _this_ badly?” Snake teased. 

“I just want to see how good the legendary soldier is with a sword. Maybe you’re not all you’re cracked up to be after all,” Raiden jabbed. 

_I’m definitely not,_ Snake thought. 

But what he said instead was, “Well fuck you, then,” with an ever so slight tilt up of his head, eyeing his opponent up and down, ready. “Come on, then, if you’re so good.”

Raiden smirked. “ _En garde!_ ”

Like two samurai dueling to the death, they went at each other, no holds barred. Jabbing to the right and left intermittently, Raiden forced a patient Snake, quickly dodging and parrying each blow, a few steps backward. Snake laughed, finding his opportunity to strike, but missing just as Raiden slid to the left, dodging by mere fractions of an inch. Inside the kennel was much warmer than the outside, though plumes of frosty breath erupted still in the air as they huffed. 

“Hmph. You’re pretty good,” Snake said. 

“You’re not so bad yourself,” Raiden replied, trying to sound casual despite the fact that Snake‘s compliment made his heart jump into his throat, nearly allowing Snake to jab him right in the gut. 

Parried thrust after parried thrust, Raiden inched Snake backward, twirling and pirouetting around Snake’s occasional light blows, his body gliding around the rod almost unimaginably quickly. Snake studied him carefully, noting his every move, his responses, his parries, his jabs, everything. The more he allowed Raiden to lead, the more he learned, until finally, anticipating a twirling block to the right when he struck left, he quickly flicked his wrist mid-strike, nailing Raiden just below his ribs. 

Raiden rubbed the spot as Snake stood, leaning on his weapon victoriously. 

“When you go on offense like that, you give your moves away to your opponent early on. Sometimes it pays to be patient,” Snake said. 

“Hmph. Best two out of three?” Raiden asked, a mischievous smile already crossing his face again as he readied himself, striking at the unguarded Snake, who quickly dodged and readied himself again. 

The second fight lasted only a few seconds before Raiden slipped on a stray piece of straw, sending him tumbling into Snake, throwing them into the back wall of the kennel, Snake landing hard with his back against the wall, while Raiden hit the ground next to his legs, narrowly blocking his head from hitting the wall. 

They both couldn’t help but laugh a bit.

“I don’t think I’ve seen that move before,” Snake mused. 

Raiden chuckled. “It’s called improv, Snake. It’s when you do something unplanned and unexpected.”

They both chuckled, but beyond that, it quickly became obvious that there was something else happening, something deeper. The laughter faded, but their eyes held fast, their cold breath billowing like small clouds in the frigid winter air. Everything seemed to be perfectly still and quiet, save for the quick rising and falling of their chests as they took deep, anticipatory breaths, watching each other, waiting for the other to move. Before he knew what he was doing, Raiden propped himself up a bit, sliding his knees under him so he could sit up, straddling Snake’s thigh. Snake didn’t move a muscle, intently watching. Raiden, neither one taking their eyes off the other’s. Raiden could feel his trajectory now, radiating purpose through his whole body.

The air was filled with the fog of their breath, getting closer and closer until there was no cloud at all when finally, Raiden kissed Snake, delicately, but deliberately. Perhaps the first time he’d ever experienced such deliberateness in a passionate moment in his life. 

Though he was overtaken by surprise for a moment, Snake closed his eyes, content to give in to the moment. It was good. He was good. And to be this close to someone for the first time in so long was… good. 

Raiden pulled away for just a moment, his eyes anxiously searching Snake’s for even a hint of aversion. 

He found none. 

Though he could feel his heart fluttering so quickly he thought it may kill him, Raiden, filled to the brim with confidence, kissed Snake again, even more sure of himself this time.

And Snake kissed him, too. Allowing himself a bit of intimacy for just a moment, Snake let himself plant his hand gently at the base of Raiden’s head, tenderly tangling his fingers in his silver-blonde hair. It was just as soft as the last time, the feeling he’d been craving since then. That, too, felt good, but even more so, it felt good to _allow_ himself to have it. An indulgence he’d have never dreamed possible, which he facilitated himself as he gently pulled Raiden into him. Goosebumps overtook his skin, every hair on his body standing on edge, surprised by his own initiative.

Raiden was easily manipulated under Snake’s hand, allowing himself gladly to be drawn in. He braced himself with one hand against the wall, his other hand gently coming to rest on Snake’s side, just below his ribs, giving him a small squeeze. 

Snake let his hand linger, tingles radiating on his skin beneath Raiden’s fingers. Despite the cold, he felt warm inside, heat welling in his chest like a wave of exhilaration. He held Raiden’s head even tighter, closing his eyes even harder, parting for only a moment before coming back together again, as if magnetized to one another. 

Raiden sat back on his knees, pulling away for a moment, his other hand drawn to Snake’s side, gripping him even more tightly before, letting his hands wander a bit farther down. Raiden watched his own hands intently, splaying his fingers over Snake’s stomach, feeling the taut, strong muscles beneath it. Snake watched his focused eyes before he, himself was drawn to Raiden’s hands, watching as Raiden curiously explored along the hem of his shirt, running them over the fabric inquisitively. 

Snake shivered, watching as Raiden pushed his fingers just under his shirt, his chilled fingertips gliding over Snake’s soft skin. Raiden watched Snake’s eyes as they remained transfixed on Raiden’s hands, observing his unchanging expression as Raiden ran his fingers cautiously over his stomach. He watched as small, hesitant clouds of breath shuddered from Snake’s mouth.

“Is this ok?” Raiden asked, almost a whisper.

“Yeah,” Snake breathed, finally looking to Raiden’s face. “Your hands are just cold, that’s all.”

“Sorry,” Raiden said.

As quickly as Raiden had tried to retract his hands, Snake had grabbed them, pulling them flat-palm against his stomach, watching Raiden’s surprised expression broken by a smile.

“That’s ok,” Snake said. “I like it.”

Raiden exhaled hard, his breath catching for a moment, squeezing his fingers into Snake’s skin, trying to hold on as tight as he could. He could feel himself trembling, the exhilaration fighting to overcome the crippling fear that snuck up into intimacy. But he fought it. For once, he felt he had found something worth fighting it for.

He let his hands move farther up Snake’s skin, dragging his fingers up his chest, appreciating every dip, every bone, every muscle, every scar, every hair; each new texture was something new and exciting, riveting to the senses beyond anything he could have known before. He could feel small tremors in Snake’s muscles and his heartbeat through his chest, more in tune with all of it than ever before. He felt as if he’d known these tremors and heartbeats for as long as he could remember, deeply familiar with them as though they were almost an extension of him--as though Snake, himself, was a part of him that he’d been urgently seeking out for a long time, desperate to fill a hole inside him--a hopeless longing to feel complete. All of this, he felt rushing through him simultaneously in a hurricane of emotion. He knew his instinct should be to run, but this time, he didn’t even consider it. He was right where he was supposed to be.

He delighted in the feeling of Snake’s chest rising and falling with each breath, perhaps letting his hands linger longer than he’d wanted. But he couldn’t help it--he was defenseless against the connection, though he did feel bad putting his icy palms all over Snake, though he didn’t really seem to mind too much. 

Snake had never minded the cold before, and now, he hardly even noticed it. He almost enjoyed it. He felt compelled to touch Raiden back, but he froze, unsure of how or where. He was perfectly happy to let Raiden lead this time, taking it at his own pace. 

Gradually, Raiden let his hand travel back downward, eliciting a small, surprised grunt from Snake when he ran his hand over Snake’s pants, slowly exploring the shape of him beneath his clothes. He watched Snake’s face again, but there was no sign of displeasure to be found. Snake’s piercing blue eyes simply watched as Raiden continued to delicately massage him through the fabric. 

“Is this ok?” Raiden asked again.

“Yeah,” Snake responded, his ordinarily intense, gravelly voice quiet and soft, a hint of eagerness lying behind it.

Raiden’s touch was soft, becoming more active as he got comfortable. He could feel himself getting hard, too, becoming more and more impatient, yet unwilling to move too quickly at the risk of ending the moment too soon. But as Snake began squirming a bit beneath him, he knew that, as much as he wanted to savor all of it, he couldn’t sit like this forever. He could feel that Snake, too, was getting incredibly hard under his gentle pawing, and the ever so slight arch of his back, which at this point, he didn’t even care to hide, egged Raiden onward, prompting him to start undoing the button on Snake’s pants, pulling the zipper down as far as it would go. He worked slowly, savoring every first feeling, his spine tingling as he eagerly tugged down the top of Snake’s underwear, Raiden’s body nearly vibrating as Snake’s bare cock slipped out, already erect. 

Raiden was surprised not only by its size, but also by how absolutely insane it drove him to be this close to it. He hadn’t expected to be so thrilled by the sight of it—the sheer bliss blindsided him, hitting him like a ton of bricks. His heart felt as if it might burst if it beat any harder, and for once, Raiden knew what he wanted to do and acted on it.

He started to touch him gently—he could feel Snake’s whole body trembling, hearing frantic short breaths. He delighted in them.

Snake could feel electricity from his fingers to his toes, warmth spreading through his chest as Raiden curiously explored him, running his fingers up and down the length of the shaft, his thumb slipping across precum that had already appeared on the tip as he gripped it firmly in his hand. 

Raiden slid down a bit, satisfied in his exploration, and without hesitation, took Snake in his mouth. Snake groaned, louder than he’d wanted, though he wouldn’t allow himself to care anymore. No amount of embarrassment could possibly have ruined this for him. To him, Raiden’s warm mouth in the chilly kennel felt like pure heroin. He hadn’t realized how badly he needed it until now, and to watch Raiden slowly devour him set a fire ablaze in his stomach. He felt his heart pounding as he gently put his hand on the back of Raiden’s head, lightly stroking his soft hair again as Raiden slowly moved up and down on Snake’s cock.

Raiden moved apprehensively at first, cautiously testing his limits, experimenting with different angles and techniques. It was a little more involved than he’d originally anticipated, and though he didn’t feel anxious about the act itself, he did want to make sure Snake was enjoying it. Finding it comfortable to suck gently while flicking his tongue along the bottom of the shaft as he bobbed his head up and down, he finally settled into a rhythm that made Snake’s muscles tense sweetly. 

Snake let his head fall back against the wall, closing his eyes, settling into Raiden’s cadence. He couldn’t remember the last time he had felt this at ease. He couldn’t remember the last time he’d let himself enjoy _anything_ this much. He had always been the lone wolf of sort, keeping a cool distance from most, always stiff around people. It didn’t occur to him until now that maybe he’d be able to relax a bit more if he gave himself some allowances and wasn’t so uptight all the damn time. Even Otacon teased him occasionally, convinced that he’d be nicer if he had more sex. He was always kidding, obviously, but there was a part of it that clicked with him now. Maybe he was right. Or at least, there was a point to be made there. 

Snake took a deep breath, pushing away all thoughts that didn’t have to do with Raiden’s mouth, refocusing on him—the feeling of him, his movements, his warm skin, flushed at the back of the neck under Snake’s hand. He felt like heaven, and was surprisingly skilled here for what Snake assumed was his first time doing this. His tongue moved quickly across Snake’s shaft, sending shivers up Snake’s spine. Snake balled his hand into a fist against the floor, his knuckles white as Raiden sucked especially tenderly on the top of his cock, lingering for just long enough to make Snake gasp. 

Raiden looked up at him, his curious eyes gauging Snake’s every reaction, testing each new technique for only a few seconds before moving on if he didn’t react positively to it. But most things were received warmly, each new experiment making Snake squirm, his breath catching in his throat with every change of pace. Raiden quickly learned that when it came to this, Snake was not a very picky man—although he did seem to like some things more than others. Raiden put his hand on Snake’s thigh, gently caressing it as he continued bobbing up and down on his shaft, the feeling of his muscles tensing making Raiden himself feel fiery shocks of adrenaline in his chest. He moved his hand softly, feeling from Snake’s leg to his hip, moving slowly, savoring everything in between. His skin was always softer than Raiden expected, incredibly pleasant to the fingertips as he ran them over the crease in Snake’s hip at the top of his thigh. He loved how firm his muscles were under his skin, so raw and strong. He’d always admired the more well-built Snake, wishing that he, too, were imposing and robust. A less skinny body would have suited him better, he always thought. Maybe then he wouldn’t be mistaken for a girl so much to his frequent, great annoyance. But for the moment, he was happy to worship Snake’s body instead of worrying about his own. What he did worry about was more the fact that his elbows were falling asleep as he propped himself up, desperately needing to change his position. 

Snake whimpered as Raiden pulled off of him with one last, intense suck when he sat up a bit more, pulling his knees underneath him. 

“Mm… Snake?”

“Yeah?” Snake asked, his hand caressing up and down Raiden’s arm, toying with the fabric of his jacket. 

“Do you want to… I mean…”

“Do I…” Snake wondered aloud, but then was struck with a sudden realization. “Oh! Do you want me to?”

“Unless you don’t want to…”

“No!!” Snake blurted. “No, uh… I do. I really want to,” he said, tightening his grip on Raiden’s arm. “Turn around.”

Without a word, Raiden did, starting to undo his pants until Snake sidled up behind him, pressing his chest to Raiden’s back as he hugged him from behind. He ran his hands under Raiden’s shirt over his stomach, making Raiden’s face turn bright red. He could feel Snake’s hard cock pressing up against him, still wanting more. 

He grabbed one of Raiden’s hands, stopping him from fretting with the tie on the front of his pants. “Don’t,” Snake whispered. “Let me do this for you.”

Raiden let his hands fall back to his sides, lightly rubbing Snake’s knee as Snake slowly ran his hands over Raiden’s body, feeling his stomach tense up slightly under his fingers. 

“Sorry, cold hands,” Raiden said. 

Snake’s hands descended quickly downward, one hand effortlessly pulling open the tie, his fingers slipping under the elastic of Raiden’ pants, each hand moving down one thigh, giving his legs a little squeeze, gripping them firmly. 

“Maybe this will warm them up,” Snake breathed, both hands trailing around to the back of Raiden’s pants to grab his ass under the fabric, kneading it firmly.

Raiden shuddered at the touch, life rushing into his cock again. He didn’t think he’d be able to stay upright for long with Snake touching him like that. 

Snake worked Raiden’s pants down his hips, lifting the band gently over his erection. Snake hadn’t expected it to be so big, but when he finally got his hand around it, he was almost impressed, if he’d even had the capacity to think of it that way in the moment. He gave Raiden a few preliminary strokes, letting his free hand run up Raiden’s shirt, caressing across his chest, gently pulling him back into his embrace. Raiden nuzzled his head into Snake’s cheek, his jaw falling slack as sheer pleasure overtook his body, making him feel like jelly. Snake quickly released him before he could feel too good, placing a hand on Raiden’s back.

“Get down on your elbows,” he rumbled.

Raiden awkwardly leaned forward, trying to find a comfortable position that didn’t involve his arms falling asleep. Snake could hardly wait, starting to take over a bit more in his endless ardor. As Raiden was still adjusting himself on the floor, Snake gave himself a head start, taking Raiden’s pants down the rest of the way to his knees. He grasped Raiden’s ass, giving him a firm squeeze, overcome by the rampant desire to absolutely tear him apart. Placing a hand on the small of Raiden’s back, he pushed him down slightly, giving Snake full access to him.

Raiden gasped slightly, feeling a moist finger gently massage his opening. He gritted his teeth, trying to keep from making unnecessary noise, but found himself struggling to keep himself quiet. He gripped the sleeves of his jacket, clenching his fists as he braced himself, tensing against the first intrusion of Snake’s thumb. It was slow and gentle, but to the unaccustomed Raiden, it felt massive, the pressure overwhelming. He stayed determined to be quiet though, unwilling to let Snake know he was struggling. But Snake could feel him tense up right off the bat. He placed a comforting hand on Raiden’s hip, massaging him gently as he tried to get a better view of Raiden’s face. 

“You doing ok?” he asked.

“Yeah, I’m good. It’s just new for me. I’ll get used to it,” Raiden answered, deliberately metering his breath to give more confidence to his words. 

Snake wasn’t entirely convinced. “We can stop if you want, no hard feelings.”

“No!” he blurted. “Please don’t stop... Just go slow.”

Snake only grumbled in response, accompanied by his thumb slowly pushing further into Raiden. 

Raiden whimpered slightly, but he couldn’t deny that it felt amazing. His chest tingled with warm, carnal heat as Snake sank his thumb up to the first knuckle. He could feel himself becoming more comfortable, finding that the pressure was quickly turning from a disquieting ache into pure pleasure. 

Snake could feel the difference as Raiden’s muscles relaxed around his finger, slowly moving it in and out, feeling Raiden’s muscles shake under his hand. He was finally able to move his thumb a bit deeper, working further and further into him as Raiden grew more receptive to the intrusion. He could see Raiden’s hands relax, his knuckles no longer white, but bracing against the floor for a different reason, fingers splayed out, clawing into the loose straw. He could tell Raiden was finally getting into it when he allowed himself to make a few small noises, whimpering lightly as Snake started to put more energy into it, his hand finally flush with Raiden’s ass. 

Raiden wriggled beneath him, trying to push himself further onto Snake’s hand. Taking this as a sign, Snake slowly drew out his finger, making Raiden shudder at the sudden emptiness. Trying desperately to see what Snake was doing, Raiden turned his head, though he couldn’t see far enough to get a good view of anything. Rather than continue to strain his neck, he turned back around, trusting Snake to be gentle. His shoulders tensed slightly with anticipation when he heard Snake spit, ready to collapse at just the thought of what was to come, his breath becoming ragged as he felt Snake rub himself against his entrance.

“You ready?” Snake asked.

Raiden couldn’t bring himself to speak. An “mhmm” was all he could squeak out.

Snake lovingly rubbed Raiden’s thigh a few times. “Take a deep breath and just relax. I got you,” he said, his voice the closest to velvet it had ever been.

Raiden did so, squeezing his eyes shut in an attempt to not tense up when he felt Snake start to push in. While he’d adjusted well to a finger, he struggled a bit more now, taking a few quick, deep breaths to try and relax a bit more. He knew he’d get used to it if he pushed past the initial discomfort, he just wished he would get used to it sooner.

Snake moved slowly as a snail, pausing every few seconds to make sure Raiden had time. He continued to stroke Raiden’s leg as he pushed in a little further. He could feel Raiden’s muscles tensing each time he moved, pulling back just a bit to let him breathe.

Raiden could sense his hesitation. “I’m ok, Snake. Don’t worry,” he said. “I want you to keep going.”

Despite his hesitation, he decided to trust Raiden. He advanced at an almost imperceptible pace, continuing his method of alternating between sliding in and pulling out until he’d finally managed to fill Raiden with the whole of his shaft to the base. Had he not been so concerned with making sure Raiden wasn’t too uncomfortable, he swore he could’ve exploded right then and there. He’d completely forgotten the cold, the only thing left to prick goosebumps up on his skin now was how tight Raiden felt around him. He wasn’t sure he’d ever be able to slide out again. The urge to fuck him absolutely silly rushed him like a bull, but he paused for a moment, remembering comfort and safety. He tried to get a good look at Raiden’s face, his body language, but he wasn’t at an entirely advantageous position to be seeing anything of Raiden’s front, wishing he could just read his mind rather than having to ask.

“Does this feel good?” Snake whispered.

Raiden was sure he’d never felt this good in his life. He didn’t know if he’d be able to speak in response, his breathing becoming quite battered in his pounding chest. Adrenaline surged through him, making him shiver. He took a deep breath as he got a bearing on his words, trying to come up with something to get his point across as clearly and concisely as possible. 

“ _Fuck me, Snake,_ ” he breathed.

Snake got the message, and Raiden gasped as Snake quickly settled into a rhythm, stroking in and out of him quickly, but not quickly enough to hurt Raiden. He could feel apprehension losing its grip on his mind, being replaced instead with unadulterated excitement flooding his gut. He gripped Raiden’s hips tightly, unsure how long he’d be able to keep this up for. He could already feel how close he was. 

Raiden, too, was closer to finishing than he’d have liked, but at this point, there was nothing he could do but give himself over to it. He let his head fall, burying his face in his arm, whimpering mercilessly as raw pleasure surged through his body. Snake felt so big inside him. It was driving him insane. Just when he was certain he couldn’t feel any better, Snake leaned forward, reaching around him to massage Raiden’s cock while relentlessly thrusting into him. Raiden could feel his eyes watering, the sensation overwhelming him. He tried hard to speak, but the words would hardly come out. 

“Snake, I’m—“

“Me too,” Snake gasped, gripping Raiden hard as he thrust deep one last time. 

For a moment, they both were completely in sync as pleasure exploded inside them. Before Raiden could even comprehend what was happening, Snake was viciously stroking the cum out of him, feeling Snake’s seed filling him to the brim. Snake doggedly milked every last drop until it felt like white hot electricity was searing Raiden’s cock. He grabbed Snake’s hand, panting hard, urging him to stop. Snake smiled and laughed a little, enjoying the teasing overstimulation a bit more than he should have. But he relented, releasing Raiden from his grip and finally separating from him, letting both of them stretch their legs out a bit as they redressed themselves.

They could’ve sworn the temperature in the kennel went up at least ten degrees after that. Snake grabbed a nearby towel and tossed it over the mess of cum on the floor, crudely wiping it up with his foot before kicking it aside. They both stood, straightening their jackets without a word, Snake anxiously eyeing Raiden, trying to gauge his mood. He couldn’t tell if Raiden thought they’d just made a mistake or not, and he honestly wouldn’t have been that surprised if Raiden walked away from him right that moment. 

He waited and waited and waited. But Raiden didn’t make a move. 

Raiden stood fiddling with his jacket for a moment before turning around, cheeks still red, to face Snake. A small smile appeared. 

“Thanks, Snake.”

Snake laughed. “Don’t thank me, Raiden. God, are we gonna shake hands now, too?”

Raiden snorted. “No, I guess not.” He spotted the discarded dowel rods on the ground beside them. “Sorry I derailed our project.”

“It’s ok,” Snake said, pulling a cigarette from his jacket pocket. “It was a good distraction.”

“Yeah,” Raiden replied. “It was.”

Snake offered a cigarette to Raiden, who waved his hand in response. Snake put them away and lit up his own, smoke quickly filling the kennel. 

Raiden stuck his hands deep in his pockets. “You still wanna do this?” he asked, gesturing to the dowel rods. 

“Absolutely.” Snake nodded his head toward the door, taking the first step toward it. 

Raiden followed closely behind him, his mind full of all sorts of thoughts. But amid all of them, both good and bad, the thought at the forefront of his mind was something he couldn’t push away anymore, in spite of all of the horrifying associations he had. One that spread over his mind like a field of sprouting sunflowers, unrestrained, exploding into bloom. 

_I love you, I love you, I love you._


	9. Chapter 9

In the dead of night, under the faint glow of the moon sat a crib--sturdy, durable, and built with as much love as two men can muster. It looked like any crib before it, made of basic, unfinished birch wood, nothing fancy in the woodwork, but it would serve its purpose well enough.

Despite the project’s successful resolution, it had endlessly amused Snake to watch the hapless Raiden try to work, befuddled by all things carpentry. He laughed every time he asked Raiden to retrieve a tool from the shed, only for him to return empty-handed moments later to meekly ask what it was. His comedic lack of knowledge ordinarily would have annoyed Snake, but in this case, he couldn’t help but be charmed by it, enjoying the small opportunities to pass on a bit of know-how. He’d never had much patience for that sort of thing before, but watching things slowly become easier for him gave Snake a warm feeling inside that he’d hoped he’d become more acquainted with in time. As Snake was primarily working alone with Raiden there mainly for moral support after a certain point, it took quite a while to finish what should have taken Snake the lesser part of an afternoon on his own, had he not had to teach Raiden the ways of the handyman. He was grateful for the company, however, feeling as though the time had passed quicker with Raiden’s company than it would have had he just set off to get a job done.

It had just begun to dawn on them the stress of their labors, their fingers cold through their gloves, muscles aching, hardly able to feel their noses, so caught up in the task that they had hardly noticed until then. Raiden breathed into his hands as he rubbed them together, hoping a bit of friction and warm breath would bring a bit of life back to his fingertips. He watched as Snake dusted off a few last pieces of sawdust, sanding off a few rough patches as he surveyed their work, but couldn’t help becoming distracted by the eeriness of the treeline in the night. A chill went up his spine. During the day, it felt protective, like a border, meant to keep others out, standing tall against invaders. At night, though, it felt much more menacing. Like a cloak, hiding sinister ghouls and merciless, bloodthirsty hunters, ready to attack any minute. He pulled his eyes away, urging himself to stop thinking about it before he truly scared himself.

He turned back to the task, dusting some fresh snow off of the leftovers. As they wrapped it up, bringing excess wood scrap and tools back to the shed, Raiden’s attention was captured by something in the distance. Something bright, visible for only a moment.

It was only there for a moment, but Raiden could’ve sworn he had glimpsed it. A flash of light, visible for a fraction of a second, no more. He froze, watching for a moment, waiting to see if he could spot it again, but there was nothing. Snake paused in his work, tracing Raiden’s eyeline as he, too, scoped out the scene, trying to figure out what Raiden was looking for.

“Is everything ok?” he asked.

“I… think so…” Raiden said, tearing his eyes from the trees. “I thought I saw something. A light, maybe.”

They both turned back to the trees, anxiously searching for the mysterious light, but neither could manage to find a trace of it.

“I’m sure it’s nothing,” Snake assured him. “We’re so far out here, there’s nothing around for miles. No one could have kept a trail on you, especially with all the new snow that’s fallen.”

Raiden sighed. “Yeah. Hopefully.”

He glanced around the treeline on all sides, hoping to set his mind at ease, unsure what he was hoping to see. A light to prove he wasn’t crazy? Nothing, proving that he was safe? He could feel himself beginning to panic, trying desperately to focus on cleaning up to settle himself, but the anxiety gripped his heart tightly, unrelenting.

He and Snake finished putting the tools away in silence. When they’d finished and Raiden stood, surveying the product of their labor, Snake sauntered over to him, patting him heftily on the shoulder.

“She looks pretty good, huh?” 

Raiden smiled. “Not bad for a first try. Glad I didn’t slow you down too much.”

“Don’t worry, I wouldn’t have been able to do it without you. You were invaluable to this operation.” Snake smiled, giving Raiden’s shoulder a little squeeze before letting him go. They arranged themselves on either side of the crib, each getting a good grip on the underside as they steadied their footing.

“Alright, you ready?” Snake asked.

“Yeah, let’s do it,” he replied as they hefted up the crib, awkwardly trying to fix their grips on either side, the heavy wood digging uncomfortably into Raiden’s fingers underneath. He ignored it, clutching it tightly. Carefully, they made their way toward the house, navigating hidden rocks and holes in the ground, disguised beneath snow. The task in the dark was treacherous--Raiden, careful as he was, nearly stumbled more than a few times.

“Watch yourself,” Snake warned. “Don’t want you to break a leg or something.”

“I’m the epitome of good balance, Snake, I don’t know what you’re talking about,” Raiden mused.

Snake grunted, a small smile cracked on his lips. While he was truly more preoccupied with visions of the crib on the ground, broken to pieces after a bad tumble, he decided to let it go, though he was still amused every time Raiden’s overly confident feet nearly tripped. Snake laughed every time Raiden lost his balance until he, himself, lost his footing over a frozen tire track submerged by snow just outside the garage and nearly toppled over, almost taking Raiden and the crib down with him. He quickly recovered, but not before Raiden could raise an eyebrow, a smirk settling on his face.

Snake rolled his eyes. “Yeah, ok, I get it. Those wild Alaskan tire tracks are treacherous, though.”

“Maybe we should just jump in the car with the crib on top and drive to the door if you think you can’t handle it,” Raiden joked.

Snake scoffed. “I don’t know that I’d trust you in a car after your trip here.”

“Hmph. We made it in one piece, didn’t we?”

Snake shrugged. “I don’t know, Raiden, it’s a whole different beast.”

“Than a helicopter??” Raiden exclaimed, nearly tripping again as they neared the porch.

“How should I know? I’ve never flown a helicopter. I don’t really know that you could call what you did ‘flying’ either.” 

They both laughed, Raiden shaking his head at Snake as he began to carefully step up onto the porch, testing each step for ice before committing to the movement. Balancing the crib against his hip, Snake reached out, feeling for the handle behind him, twisting it, and pushing it open as wide as possible before stepping in, dusting the snow off his boots on the mat at the door. The slowly guided the crib through the door, barely able to fit it without crushing their fingers as Raiden did the same snow-dusting before setting it down just far enough in so they could shut the cold out behind them. 

They took their time undoing their boots, their hands cold and numb, bending their fingers periodically to get the blood flowing back to their digits. When they were finally free of their soaked boots, they wasted no time in throwing down towels at the front door, discarding all of their snow-soaked outerwear on top of them. Finally breathing a sigh of relief as the coldness of the wind faded, they brushed the rogue snow from the legs and rails of the crib until it was as pristine as one fresh from a box. Eager to be done with it, they carried the crib through the kitchen, carefully navigating into the hallway, maneuvering it conscientiously through the doorway to the bedroom, nearly unable to squeeze it around the turn.

Sunny sat up on the bed, babbling and playing with the blankets as Remy twirled on the floor, seemingly trying to entertain her, though it seemed to Snake and Raiden that she was most amused by it nearly falling over empty jars of baby food, slipping in remnants of mashed carrots and apples that littered the floor amongst the garbage. Snake scrunched his brow as they set the crib down at the foot of the bed, narrowly missing a fruit-covered spoon peeking out from under the bed.

Raiden could sense the anger rising. “Looks like its cleanup skills aren’t that great, huh?” he joked, stifling a laugh.

Snake exhaled, making his way over to the closet. “I guess Otocon taught it nothing about cleanliness.” He pinched the bridge of his nose with one hand, tearing shirt after shirt from their hangers. “I’ll have to talk to him about that.”

Raiden watched Snake nestle the pile of soft clothing in the base of the crib, making a comfortable enough surface for sleeping.

“That’s probably a good idea. Maybe you can get him to give it some opposable thumbs while you’re at it,” Raiden joked. “Might be a little easier to care for a baby if it can pick her up.”

Remy held out its fingerless, lego-like hands, its head falling in his best impression of a sigh.

“Don’t take it personally, Remy. You’re doing great.” Raiden gave it a thumbs up, making its head perk up a bit more, though he did quickly cringe at himself, hoping the robot wasn’t observant enough to be upset by Raiden’s accidentally but obviously rubbing his own opposable thumbs in Remy’s face.

“That’s one way to put it,” Snake grumbled under his breath. 

Remy’s head snapped toward Snake, its arms sadly falling back to its sides.

Raiden crouched down next to it, patting it lightly on the head. “It’s ok, Uncle Snake is just mean,” he whispered, raising an eyebrow at Snake.

“Uncle Snake is not… Uncle _anything_ ,” Snake groaned. “It’s a robot, Raiden.”

Raiden gasped, quickly covering the spot where Remy’s ears would be if he had them, causing the little automaton quite a bit of confusion.

“Don’t say things like that in front of him!” Raiden cried, playfully scandalized.

“Not you too… Jesus, you _and_ him…” Snake sighed, pinching the bridge of his nose again. “Maybe I’ll get Otacon out here for some maintenance sooner or later,” he resigned.

He stepped over the debris to scoop Sunny up from the bed, plopping her gently down into the nestling of shirts to watch her curiously slap the pile, exploring her new surroundings, babbling excitedly as she did. Snake watched, his arms crossed, trying to decipher her reactions. 

“Do you like your new bed? Hmm?” Raiden cooed to her, leaning against the top of the railing. 

He reached toward her, giving her a little pat on the head and a few tickles, absolutely delighted as she fell over giggling as he tormented her little tummy with merciless tickling as she gleefully flailed her arms and legs, laughing hysterically. Snake stood back, smiling, feeling jealous of Raiden’s ability to interact with her. Snake never really cared before, but Raiden made playing with babies seem like such fun. He wished that he, himself, wasn’t so self-conscious and could make himself silly enough to interact with her like that without making himself feel overly foolish. He wanted to overcome his own reservations desperately, but feeling too tired to break barriers at the moment, decided instead to be content watching Sunny and Raiden have fun. 

The fun finally dissipated when Raiden paused in their antics, overcome by a large yawn.

“What do you say? You guys think it’s time to call it a night?” he asked. 

Snake yawned and stretched performatively, though he did love the temporary relief in his muscle stiffness when he did. “Sounds good to me.”

Leaving Sunny in her new crib to fall asleep on her own, they shut off the lights and quietly closed the door as they made their own preparations for bed. Raiden returned to the living room, pulling a few tablets from his bag before popping them in his mouth dry.

Snake raised a curious eyebrow. “Sleep aids?”

“No,” Raiden muttered, sheepishly covering his mouth as he chewed. “Toothpaste tablets,” he clarified, leaning his head slightly backward as white foam began to expand in his mouth.

“Hmm. Never heard of ones that you didn’t need a toothbrush for,” Snake said.

“Mmm,” was the only response Raiden could give as he frantically finished chewing, swallowing hard. “They’re pretty new. Foxhound developed them right before my last mission and I had some leftover. You just chew the whole thing and then swallow. I didn’t know when I’d have access to water, so I figured they’d be handy.”

“Smart,” Snake said. “I wonder how long it will take to figure out how to regulate nanomachines to act as a tooth cleaner in your saliva around the clock.”

Raiden laughed, licking a little rogue foam from his lips. “You should patent that.”

“Maybe I’ll pass the idea along to Otacon,” Snake joked.

Snake retired to the bathroom, brushing his teeth the old fashioned way while Raiden changed into a T-shirt and pajama pants Snake had left out for him. 

Once changed, Raiden sat down, lingering on the couch, clutching at the cushions. A familiar dread set back in, the first night he’d have to face sleep when his body wasn’t in heavy recovery mode. The first night he’d have to contend with those nightmares. The feeling overwhelmed him and he froze, unable to move until Snake sauntered back into the living room expectantly.

“You coming?” Snake asked.

“Snake…” Raiden started. “I would follow you into any battlefield. I would follow you through treacherous danger and unspeakable risk, through the most bizarre and terrible experiences in my adult life. I’d trust you to take me anywhere. But I don’t know if I can follow you to bed.”

Snake folded his arms, leaning against the wall, unconvinced and much too stubborn.

“Just for tonight,” he said. “I want you to try.”

Raiden’s knuckles turned white as he clutched his fists together. “I don’t know if I can.”

“Why?”

“Because…” Raiden paused for a moment. “I don’t want you to see what I see when I see me.”

“I just see _you_.”

“You won’t see the same me anymore.”

Snake raised an eyebrow. His voice grew more and more serious. “Do you think you’re the only one who has dreams? Who’s haunted by something?”

Raiden looked away, his eyebrows knit in frustration. “No…”

“Then why?”

“I just don’t want to see myself fail again. At a normal life.”

Snake grunted. “But don’t you want to see yourself at least try?” he asked, his face stoic.

He waited a moment for Raiden’s response, but Raiden was frozen with inhibition. He just couldn’t make his brain and mouth coordinate, trying desperately not to let on how absolutely terrified he was. 

“Raiden, you already crashed a helicopter. I think that any other failure just pales in comparison,” he joked.

“That was…” Raiden cracked a smile. “Different.”

“It was different because I wasn’t there to help you. But now I am.”

Raiden pondered, the smile unwavering.

“And also, you _literally_ crashed a helicopter. That is leagues worse than whatever could possibly happen tonight,” Snake mused.

A small chuckle escaped Raiden. He fought all sorts of doubts in his mind, wanting desperately to just be able to be normal for once.

Snake waited, letting him work through the fear, rationalizing with himself. Raiden knew Snake was right. And if he had bad dreams, so what? He made it through Big Shell because of Snake. Without him, he never stood a chance there. Maybe Snake could help him make it through this, too. 

Snake grabbed the pillow and blanket from the couch, patiently waiting for his answer as he returned to his spot leaning against the wall.

Finally, Raiden stood up. “Ok,” he said calmly. 

His heart jumped into his throat, but he forced himself to walk toward the bedroom. Snake waited for him, catching him by the shoulders as he got close, squeezing them firmly. They were silent, and Raiden could feel himself physically struggling to look at Snake, who watched him apprehensively. He tried his best to meter his breathing, hoping Snake wouldn’t pick up on how shaky he felt. To Raiden’s surprise, Snake pulled him in tightly, hugging him close, his thumb reflexively rubbing small circles on his back.

Raiden let himself be taken in by the embrace, wrapping his arms around Snake’s waist, letting his hands lay flat against his back, his cheek on Snake’s shoulder. 

For just a moment, they were perfectly in sync, chests rising and falling together, hearts beating together. And it felt beautiful.

Unwilling to let go, Raiden hesitated for a moment, clinging to Snake, even as Snake pulled back from him. He eventually allowed Snake to disentangle them, straightening up reluctantly. 

Together, they made their way back to the bedroom without a word, creeping stealthily through the dark room, surprised to hear Sunny fast asleep already in her crib. Snake climbed in first, moving over far enough to make more than sizeable room for Raiden next to him, throwing the pillow and blanket into their usual spots. Raiden followed him, scooting in closely. He couldn’t bring himself to lay down yet, instead sitting upright against the backboard.

Snake propped himself up on his elbow, watching Raiden fidget with the blanket, watching out the window. 

“You ok?” he asked.

“Yeah,” Raiden said, distracted by the stars out the window. There was a thought he couldn’t get out of his head. “I’m ok.”

Snake sat up beside him, and immediately Raiden nestled in close to him. 

“I’ll stay up with you like this all night if I have to,” Snake said.

Raiden smiled. “You don’t have to do that. I’m going to go to sleep soon. I’m just… thinking.”

“Hrmm. Thinking? About what?”

“Just thinking,” Raiden said, not completely convinced that that didn’t qualify as a lie. “It’s nothing to worry about.”

“If you say so.”

Snake slid back down in the bed a bit more and turned on his side, propping his head up to look at Raiden, his silver hair glowing in the moonlight. He let his fingers trail along Raiden’s forearm, the smooth skin soothing to the touch. He blinked sleep from his eyes more times than he could count, but was determined to stay awake.

“Are you sure this is going to be ok for you?” Snake asked. “If you really want to, you can go back to the couch.”

Raiden sighed. It seemed to Snake that he was considering the offer.

“No. I want to stay. I wanna try.”

He smiled at Snake, though his heart was pounding so hard he thought that at any moment his heart may burst through his chest. It took everything he had, but he knew that it was the one gesture that would assure Snake that everything was alright.

Snake settled back in the bed, laying his head down on the pillow. He scooted a bit closer to Raiden, who had gently placed his hand on Snake’s forearm as he got comfortable next to him. Raiden turned back to the window, watching the sky, deep in thought, relishing a few minutes of silent contemplation. 

“Hey Raiden?”

“Yeah, Snake?”

“You’re never going to have a normal life,” he whispered. “I know you already know that. But you can still have a good one.”

Raiden took his hand from Snake’s arm and propped his elbow just behind the pillow, softly running his fingers through Snake’s hair.

“Thanks, Snake,” he said.

Snake scooted a little closer, resting his hand atop Raiden’s thigh, giving him a comforting little squeeze. 

Raiden turned his attention back out the window, the clear sky twinkling above the trees. He could see small animals in the distance scurrying around carefree, darting in and out of the trees, occasionally disappearing into the shadows. It made him uneasy, wondering what else could be lurking just beyond the shadows.

Snake could almost sense his tension. He ran his thumb back and forth over Raiden’s leg in soft little reassuring strokes.

“I’m right here, Raiden.”

“I know.”

“I’m awake.”

“I know.” 

Snake continued watching Raiden as he stared out the window, but before he knew it, blinks became longer and longer until he just couldn’t open his eyes anymore, quickly drifting off to sleep.

Raiden could sense it immediately, as if the energy in the room had physically changed. He was alone now. His fears translated to aptitude, an intuition that told him precisely when no one was there to save him anymore. Not from himself, not from anything. And that made him afraid again. He wasn’t mad at Snake, of course. He couldn’t fault him for being a normal person who needs sleep. He never could fault Rose for that, either, no matter how many times he’d wanted to. 

All things considered, he had a different fear tonight. He wasn’t worried in the least about sleeping. He knew he wouldn’t be doing any of that. His eyes continuously searched the tree line out the window, constantly vigilant. But what was he hoping to see?

Did he want to see a light to prove that it was real? That he’d been discovered and they were all in mortal danger? Or did he want to see nothing at all? They’d be safe, but what would that say about his mental state? About his paranoia? Would Snake think he was crazy? Seeing lights that weren’t there? Fixating on things that weren’t there? He honestly couldn’t decide what would make him feel worse. 

He turned back to the room, watching Snake’s chest rise and fall heavily, deeply asleep at his side, his breathing heavy. Sunny, too, lay deeply asleep at the foot of the bed, swathed in her bed of shirts. He tried so hard to let it go and just forget about it. He wanted so badly to believe that his eyes were playing tricks on him and everything was going to be fine. He just wanted to live in peace for once, but he couldn’t let the notion go. He had to know for sure what was out there.

Raiden made a split-second decision, quietly and quickly slipping his legs out from under the blanket, carefully re-draping it over Snake. 

He crept out into the hall, closing the door as slowly as possible, stepping cautiously heel-to-toe so as not to leave audible footsteps. As fast as he could, he threw on all of the outer gear he had, grabbing his mostly dry coat from atop the towels in front of the front door. He made sure to grab Snake’s hat as well, bundling up as tightly as possible. He sat down on the couch for a moment, digging through his backpack, shoving aside Sunny’s backup clothes, feeling around for a zipper toward the bottom. He found it and opened it, pulling from the bag an empty SOCOM and a full clip, carefully sliding the magazine into place, hoping to god the click wouldn’t alert Snake in the other room. 

He sat still for a moment, listening for any change in movement, but heard none. Breathing a sigh of relief, he snuck out the door, clicking on the flashlight Snake liked to keep just next to it.

The wind was calm and the night was surprisingly quiet. Raiden had expected it to be much harsher outside, but compared to earlier, it seemed much more tranquil. There was no more snowfall to disturb his view, allowing him to see clearly as far as he could before the landscape was cut off by trees. It was quite a way away from the house, but Raiden remembered exactly where he’d seen the light earlier, making his way in that direction. 

Alone at night, the plain felt much more vast and empty and structures felt even farther apart than usual. It took much longer than normal to get to the point of passing the kennel, it seemed, which was actually quite close to the house. He stopped for a moment, surprised at how far he still had to go, hesitating slightly. But he needed to do this. He knew he wouldn’t be able to relax until he did.

His attention was drawn to the enclosure where he spotted one of Snake’s dogs standing at attention, who evidently had spotted him back. Curiously, though, his head was turned to look at Raiden while his body was turned toward the trees. Raiden became too inquisitive, approaching the chain link fence near the dog, whose tail was down and ears were up. He was observing something, but Raiden could think of a thousand other things it could have seen besides what he was looking for. Any number of animals could be running through there, capturing the dog’s attention in the process.

Raiden crouched down, eye-level with the dog. He recognized it right away—the dog that had approached him and Snake on the porch when he’d first arrived. It had the same wary look in its eyes that it had when it first spotted Raiden. He recognized that, too.

“What do you see, buddy?” he quietly asked.

The dog let out a low boof, almost like a short warning growl before turning its head away from Raiden again.

Raiden followed its eyes, hearing its low, rumbling growl, but could see nothing. Maybe, he thought, he wasn’t the only one seeing things. 

He trudged through the snow, feeling that familiar unpleasant moisture making its way into his boots, chilling his ankles. He didn’t care. He pressed on. There was nothing he could do to stop himself now as he neared the tree line, his heart pounding faster and faster. He stopped just at the edge, gazing at the pines plunging upward into the sky, seemingly endless. Gently drawing his gun from his waistband, he shot a cursory glance around the immediate landscape, trying to pick out any details in the dark, densely wooded area, finding that all he could see were branches a few feet in front of him before the forest disappeared into darkness. He shone his flashlight around, wondering if he was about to illuminate an unsuspecting soldier hiding in the brush. Or maybe he was the unsuspecting one about to be ambushed. While he knew that finding something concrete would at least make him feel at ease about his mental state, he knew that he’d prefer anything else besides a firefight in the dark woods, though he was certainly prepared to go toe to toe if he had to.

But for now, he saw nothing. Cautiously, he stepped over a few dead branches into the dark unknown, scanning the area methodically with his flashlight as he went. The snow was much less thick here, having been caught by the trees, which proved much more annoying than Raiden had expected, giving his location away with loud, snapping branches at each step. He did his best to avoid them, but in trying to be vigilant, he couldn’t keep his eyes on his feet and occasionally cringed at the cracking twigs piercing the silence. 

A sudden breaking of branches startled him, but when he whipped around to see what was making the noise, the only thing his flashlight lit up was a coyote who was evidently more afraid of Raiden than Raiden was of anything else at the rate it was tearing away from him before swiftly disappearing in the trees. His heartbeat began to slowly lower as he set off again. He stopped periodically to take in his surroundings as he progressed, searching for footprints in the shallow snow, discarded wrappings, bottles, anything to indicate a human presence. Just something. Anything.

The more he searched, the more confident he felt in the fact that he’d find nothing, and he was unsure how he felt about that.

_Maybe I’m being paranoid after all…_

Contrary to his persistent suspicion that someone was after him, he breathed half a sigh of relief. At least they were safe for now, though in his mind, the threat still loomed. Taking one last look around, he turned back, making his way hastily toward the house again. As he drew closer, he noticed the dog in the kennel again, still standing at attention. Raiden could sense that the dog’s eyes were looking past him. 

He turned, but again saw nothing, left only with the intense stare and deep growl of the dog to indicate that anything was out of order. 

“There’s nothing there, boy. It’s alright,” he whispered. “I checked, it’s all good.”

Raiden wasn’t sure if he was trying to convince the dog or himself. The dog was unwavering as Raiden made his way back to the house, unwilling to pull its eyes from the trees, standing vigilantly on guard at the fence.

A shiver ran up Raiden’s spine.

He trekked forward anyway, ignoring his instinct to turn around one last time, resigning instead to go straight home. He did notice that his pace had quickened considerably, though. He made an attempt to consciously slow himself down, though his anxiety rushed him forward and out of the open, unrelenting until he reached the porch, quietly creeping back through the door.

As quickly as he’d put them on, he shed his wet clothes, trying to replace them at least pretty close to where they were when he and Snake had dropped them earlier. Satisfied with his staging, he tiptoed back to the bedroom, silently turning the knob and pushing the door open inch by inch.

He got it no more than a foot open when he paused, watching Snake and Sunny fast asleep. He urged his body to move forward, willing his feet to move him back toward the bed where Snake had sprawled out on his stomach, still managing to leave enough room for Raiden to fit comfortably.

His hands shook uncontrollably as his body resisted every signal from his brain to move. Desperately, he wanted to crawl into bed beside Snake and sleep comfortably next to him, waking up together like a regular couple, making each other coffee, reading by the fire together, all the things people talk about doing with their partner. It was all so close to being within his grasp, just beyond his fingertips. He could, conceivably, do all those things with Snake. He knew it was possible. All he had to do was take a few steps, lay down, and go to sleep. It was that simple. He could have his good life.

There was something that just wouldn’t let him go.

Fear swirled in his head, wondering what would happen if he did. Would he dream? Would Snake hear him scream out the things he’d done? Would he _hurt_ Snake? Would Snake be able to stop him from hurting him? Or himself? Or Sunny? What if he went to sleep and the damn Patriot spy following him took the opportunity to finish the three of them off while no one was watching? Would they even hear the dogs barking in time to react?

He shuddered, viscerally disturbed by the possibilities that lay between him and his happy ending, knowing of the two which was more likely. His heart sank as he slowly stepped back, closing the door behind him—closing the door on those warm, sunny mornings where he and Snake drank coffee and read and complained about who wasn’t pulling their weight around the place and whose turn it was to change or feed Sunny. 

_“If you love someone, you have to be able to protect them…”_

He knew that sometimes, it was necessary to sacrifice happiness for safety. But god damn it, he wished for once that he didn’t have to do the sacrificing. 

Defeated, he returned to the couch, sitting directly in the middle with his gun laying right next to him. He had a good view of the front door not far from the right side of the couch and could see a satisfactory amount out the windows directly ahead of him, especially with no snow to impede his view. The moon was brightly reflecting on the snow, making it easy for him to spot anything moving for quite a distance. He was satisfied with his vantage point, getting comfortable on the couch, content to make this his spot for the night.

For a moment, he almost felt relaxed, settling into his old habits. To sit unmoving on this couch all night felt more natural to him than breathing. Insomnia was like an old friend to him, welcoming him with open arms. He could tell that the fear had not left him, but to brace against it the way he always used to was almost as comforting as being held. He watched the trees through the window, his ears picking up every gentle breeze or animal noise that came within a good hundred yards of the house. With every passing moment, he learned more about the environment than he’d picked up in his less wary states previously. He’d heard trotting coyotes and bounding arctic rabbits curiously exploring the area. He heard how little the house creaked, even when the wind whipped across the snow, rustling the trees in the distance. Occasionally, he was fairly sure he heard the flapping wings of an owl somewhere in the distance. His eyelids became heavier and heavier, but he fought against it as hard as he could, clutching the gun at his side.

As he finally began to succumb to sleep, he could swear the glow of a nearing sunrise was just behind the trees, thinking it was high time he made coffee to help Snake start the day.

***

Before he knew it, Raiden found himself running through the woods, his heart racing, head rushing. His knuckles were white around the Mini-UZI in his hand. Drops of sweat beaded on his forehead, dripping into his eyes, nearly blinding him at every blink as the sun beat down on him through the sparse cover of trees.

He felt the most indescribable, primal fear, his body only operating on one raw instinct: _Get out of here. Now_.

He looked behind him, only for a split second, hoping to glimpse what was chasing him, hoping to lay eyes on his enemy, but the fear wouldn’t let him look for long. He ran as fast as his legs would carry him, his heart feeling like it would stop at any minute, panting hard but never wavering in his pace. He nearly tripped over branch after branch, the muddy ground threatening to stick his feet in as he swiftly navigated around the trees, swatting thick, leafy branches away from his face. 

He became aware after a moment of another person. Someone else was running in the same direction at the same speed. He looked around him, finally spotting a young boy, maybe no more than ten sprinting fifteen feet or so from him. He saw another one a few yards up, the same age as the other. He didn’t recognize either of them.

 _What the fuck are we running from?_ he kept wondering. Yet unwaveringly, he ran.

He could finally see a clearing, bright light streaming in blindingly through the edge of the trees, and he became sure that if he could just make it that far, he’d be able to turn and face their pursuer head on, surprising him. He made one final bound, bursting through the trees onto a hot, dusty ground, doing a full turn in one fluid motion as he did. He stood for a moment, waiting to see him. But nothing came through the trees.

Confusion hit him like a ton of bricks, completely throwing him off his rhythm until other sounds became audible around him that he hadn’t heard before. 

Screaming.

Explosions.

Gunfire.

A small village of buildings crumbled around him, erupting in flames with loud, resounding cracks and booms, shaking the very ground to its core. Raiden was completely frozen, unable to move. His body told him to run in all different directions, but he could do nothing but stay completely put, eyes wide with horror as he took in the destruction. Nothing could even register with him, he was so thoroughly in shock. 

Nearby, a woman cried, shielding her children with her own body. Raiden flew over to her, crouching down. He reached out his hand to her.

“Please get up and come with me!” he cried. “Please!”

She looked up at him with tearful eyes and before Raiden could even register the sound of gunfire, burst into nothing more than red carnage.

He could feel the blood on his face, running down his neck. It was in his eyes, his vision red. His breathing came ragged, his lungs struggling to inflate. He couldn’t let out the scream building up in his throat as a young boy with a gun still pointed at the viscera ran up to him, waving him forward.

“ _Get up, Jack! Start shooting!”_ he screamed.

Raiden clutched his gun instinctively, his hands covered in blood, barely able to keep a grip on it.

_What are we shooting? Who are we shooting? What the fuck am I doing her?_

The boy watched him hesitate, yelling something completely incomprehensible at him before firing off a few more rounds and darting off.

Raiden searched the battlefield for answers, leaving himself dangerously open to attack. But as he watched that young boy fire into a group of young women, he realized that he didn’t care about protecting himself. There was nothing worth protecting. He felt an emptiness inside that propelled him to walk across the arena to find the answer to all of this. Someone had to know what they were doing this for, and something inside told Raiden that that person was just on the other side.

Bullets whizzed past him, young kids and adults alike falling dead to the ground around him, buildings collapsing in on themselves at every turn. Screams, explosions, gunfire. Everything was death, and death was everything.

“ _Jack._ ”

A voice spoke to him, level, calm, completely separate from the siege. It was so familiar to him. He almost felt calm hearing it, yet still he shuddered at his name. It radiated warmth to him, but behind it, he could feel an inescapable icy chill.

Raiden turned to face it, but fell to his knees upon sight of it, unable to bear it.

The man’s face twisted into a ghastly smile in front of him, all signs of warmth immediately draining, leaving only the frigid, uncaring vitriol. Raiden couldn’t help but crawl toward it.

“ _Get up, Jack,_ ” he spat. The smile had faded into something much more sinister. Raiden couldn’t quite see his eyes, but he could feel their contempt. 

“ _We have work to do._ ”

He dragged himself closer and closer, unwillingly drawing near the figure in front of him, which became more and more distorted the more he tried to focus on it. There was nothing able to keep him from it anymore. He squinted his eyes, unable to see a human face anymore, yet he still recognized it. 

“ _George…_ ” Raiden whispered, his voice cracking.

The macabre, twisted smile returned, feeling like a punch to the chest to Raiden. He could feel a single tear threatening to fall, his throat twisted and contorted, preventing him completely from saying anything else, no matter how badly he wanted to.

Yet still he drew closer.

“ _It’s me, Jack. Don’t you recognize me?”_

And then he did.

“ _Snake…”_ he groaned before his throat tightened up completely again.

“ _You’re gonna do me proud.”_

_“Snake…”_

The figure just laughed. There was nothing left to say. As the world around him grew distorted, the figure became more human. The sounds all faded away, leaving only the empty, echoing laughter of Solid Snake in front of him as the world turned to ash in his hands.

***

Raiden jolted forward on the couch, sweat beading on his forehead. As he breathed in his surroundings, he realized that he’d drawn his gun from its spot on the couch, aiming it at no one in particular. His hand trembled as he slowly released his tense finger from the trigger. He could still feel his heart racing, his temples pounding.

He let his arm fall back to his side as he took a few deep breaths, recentering himself, letting himself fall back onto the couch, his head resting wearily against the top. He breathed one last deep exhale as his eyes returned to the windows, squinting hard against the frosty morning light streaming in. He eagerly stretched his legs out before getting up and sauntering over to the window where he stood, surveying the brightly sparkling snow. He could see no footprints or any other indication of an overnight visitor, though by his calculation he had only been asleep for an hour or two. 

He crept quietly into the kitchen, pulling two mugs from the cupboard, filling a pot with water from the sink.

 _Just one more bad dream to add to the bunch,_ Raiden though, brushing away the last of the sweat from his forehead as he placed the full pot on the stove. The familiar terror faded slowly, dissipating from his mind with every breath. Even the exhilaration was as familiar and comfortable to him as anything else. He almost welcomed it, feeling more at home in the throes of horror than in the comfort of Snake’s bed.

Raiden sighed, watching the water begin to simmer on the stovetop.

_This is my good life, I guess._

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hey guys! I’m aiming to have Chapter 10 up on 2/6! I’ll keep you posted :)


	10. Chapter 10

Snake exhaled heavily, his eyelids refusing to open, waking to the sound of crossbills twittering outside his window, flitting through the air in the fresh morning sunlight. There was frost on the window, glowing a gentle orange as the sun beat down through it, small droplets forming where it had begun to melt already.

He rolled over, his arm landing on empty, cool sheets where Raiden _should_ have been. He opened his eyes slowly, assessing the still and empty room. He pushed himself up onto his elbows, watching Sunny heavily asleep still at the foot of his bed, settled neatly in her crib. He let himself fall back to the mattress, letting his head fall back in frustration as he tried to rub the sleep from his eyes. He groaned, feeling exceptionally tired this morning. There was more than a little on his mind. 

Regretfully, he pushed himself up, letting his feet practically tumble to the floor, each movement groggy and heavy. As soon as he started to get up, Sunny also began to stir, cooing in her crib, slowly beginning to roll around in her pile of shirts. Snake plodded over to the crib, picking her up as she first opened her eyes, cradling her gently into his chest, giving her a gentle peck on top of her head.

“Good morning, sleepy,” he mumbled, shuffling over to the closet. 

He dexterously worked himself into a pair of pants with one hand, his balance immaculate as he clutched Sunny to himself while he dressed. He scanned the hangers for a shirt, becoming more and more agitated as he flipped through his closet’s sparse clothing, finding nothing. He groaned, finally remembering, making his way over to the crib to pull a shirt up through the bars, throwing it over his shoulder. 

He quietly opened the door, hoping not to disturb Raiden, who he assumed was asleep in his usual place on the couch after abandoning the bed. He crept through the kitchen, the soft padding of his feet nearly silent as he rounded the corner into the living room where he paused.

Raiden wasn’t there.

He looked around, confused. He looked to Sunny, who just looked back at him, perplexed. He turned around, scanning the kitchen for any signs of life, noticing the smell of coffee, which had eluded him before. He spotted the pot, half full and still steaming on the warmer with an empty mug placed gently next to it. He turned his attention to the front door, noticing Raiden’s shoes and outerwear missing. He made his way over to the kitchen counter and sighed, wondering what self-sabotaging winter excursion Raiden had gone on this time as he poured himself a cup, taking a cautious first sip of the still hot coffee. He peered out the windows, searching the distance for any signs of Raiden. Much to his surprise, he couldn’t see anything. He stopped, confused, wondering where in the world he could have gone off to.

Setting Sunny down gently on the ground, Snake popped back to the bedroom, gently, and with much more restraint than he would normally be prone, nudging Remy awake. The robot buzzed to life, immediately looking to Snake and cocking its head to await orders.

“I need you to get some of her food and feed her. I’m gonna be busy for a minute. Can you handle that?”

Remy threw its arms up in the air, absolutely ecstatic to have a purpose again. It zoomed out of the room, and from what Snake could tell, nearly ran over Sunny in the process as it zipped around to Raiden’s backpack near the door, beginning to rummage through it to the best of its robotic arms’ ability. Snake sighed at the sound of the commotion, throwing his shirt on as he trudged back to the living room where Sunny curiously watched Remy’s hurried search. He plucked his finally dry coat off of the floor, throwing it on over his pajamas before jamming his feet into his boots. 

He dreaded the search for Raiden, already prepared to find him in a poor state. He had felt as though things were finally going to be more or less normal, but he realized quickly that he had assumed a bit too much about the situation before really processing it. There was too much hope right in front of him, and he had let it cloud his perceptions, and for that, he felt like an idiot. 

The only question in his mind now was where to start his search. He stepped out the front door, shutting it tightly behind him. He noticed quickly, however, that something was off. The dogs were all quietly inside the kennel, none out wandering around in the pen. Ordinarily, Snake would have expected to see at least ten or so of them wandering around the area, and usually there was at least a bit of chatter going on in the area. The silence was incredibly unusual, and immediately felt wrong. He shoved his hands in his pockets, making his way swiftly across the snowy yard to the kennel door, which he found sitting ajar. He was always very careful to keep things locked and closed securely, wondering how in the world he had managed to forget. Slowly, he approached the door, able to hear some shuffling sounds as he grew closer.

He slowly pulled the door open the rest of the way, poking his head inside, surprised to find every dog in their respective pen, standing eagerly at attention before he spotted Raiden down toward the end of the row with a big bag of food in his hands, filling bowl after bowl. Relieved, he threw open the door, finally catching Raiden’s attention. Raiden smiled big, giving him a wave as he continued to fill the bowl.

“Hey Snake! Good morning!” he called.

Snake began to walk down the row toward him, unconvinced by his unusually jolly demeanor. He couldn’t help but feel a bit guilty for assuming that Raiden had run off again. He felt justified, given Raiden’s known history, but he didn’t want to assume the worst.. He chastised himself for not thinking better of Raiden.

“Save some work for the rest of us, why don’t you,” Snake joked hesitantly, pushing aside his guilt for now.

Raiden laughed softly. “Yeah, sorry, I woke up pretty early and thought I’d get a head start on the day.”

Snake grunted. “Early, huh? You must’ve woken up a lot in the middle of the night, how do you have the energy?”

Raiden shrugged. “Not really. I slept like a log. Your bed is pretty comfy, I gotta say.”

Snake crossed his arms, and immediately, Raiden felt panic rising in his chest.

“I woke up in the middle of the night and you weren’t there,” Snake said. “A couple of times.”

“Oh, yeah, I had to go to the bathroom a few times,” he said, brushing it off. “No big deal.”

Snake cocked his head, his eyebrow skeptically raised. “What happened? Don’t lie to me, Raiden.” His voice was firm and unwavering. “I can see your gun.”

Raiden froze, doing his best to not be hyper aware of it tucked carefully into the back of his waistband. He was almost certain that Snake was bluffing him and couldn’t actually see it.

“What gun?”

“Come on, Raiden. Please don’t make me say ‘Is that a SOCOM in your pants or are you just excited to see me?’ ”

Neither one could resist cracking a smile, but the tension remained, though perhaps a bit more relaxed. 

“But I _am_ excited to see you,” Raiden said with a hint of suggestion, hoping to push past the question.

Snake scoffed, ignoring his lascivious intonation. “Really, Raiden. What’s going on with you? Are you still paranoid about the other day?”

“I’m not paranoid, I know I saw something,” he said, perhaps a bit more sharply than he intended. “I don’t know what it was, but until I figure that out, I can’t take a chance.” His grip tightened around the bag, crinkling it audibly. “I have you and Sunny to look out for, and I’m not putting you in jeopardy.”

Snake crossed his arms, pondering. “Alright. If you think you saw something, I’ll keep my eyes open. I’ll look for any sign of anything. Just relax a little, you don’t have to worry by yourself.”

Raiden smiled. “Thank you, Snake.”

“But Raiden, I’m serious about this,” he said, his eyebrows furled together in unprecedented earnest. “Don’t bring that gun around Sunny. I don’t want her getting her hands on it by mistake.”

“Come on, Snake.” Raiden chuckled uncomfortably, though it was obvious he was a little offended, if not outright upset. “I’m not a rookie. I’d never be that careless.”

Snake pinched the bridge of his nose with a sigh. “I know you’re not, you’re just… it’s been a lot for you lately, and I don’t want a lapse of judgement when it counts. Just please promise you’ll be careful.”

“I…” Raiden was at a loss for words. “Of course I promise, Snake. Do you think… that I’d…” 

Snake waited anxiously for him to finish, feeling a bit of regret for his accusatory tone.

“It’s nothing, never mind,” Raiden concluded sheepishly.

Raiden knew he was right. He didn’t have a handle on it, but he didn’t want to press it any further. As Snake turned to go, Raiden reached out and caught him by the arm, setting the bag down with his other hand as he did, gently closing the distance between them. He just wanted to feel normal, even just for a miute.

“For the record, Snake,” he said softly, “I _was_ excited to see you.”

He let his hand rest on Snake’s chest atop his jacket.

Snake caught Raiden’s free hand in his own, intertwining their fingers as he pulled Raiden’s hand to press his lips into the back of Raiden’s hand before squeezing it tightly to his chest, his other arm wrapping around Raiden’s waist, pulling him close.

“Raiden…” Snake started. “Don’t take this the wrong way, but…”

Raiden’s heart froze for a second.

“You _reek_ of dog. Like a lot.”

Raiden’s softly curious eyes flicked instantly to glare at him, taking a half step back, though Snake wouldn’t let go of his waist, allowing him only an iota of room between them.

“You’re an asshole,” Raiden jabbed playfully, making Snake laugh, a huge grin spreading across his face.

“Sorry, I can’t lie,” Snake chuckled. “But I need to freshen up, too, so why don’t you finish what you’re doing and come join me?”

A sly smile crossed Raiden’s face. “I think I can do that,” he replied deviously.

What he said was quite confident, but in fact, his heart just about exploded in his chest, and he was nearly a hundred percent sure that Snake could visibly see his jugular pounding in his throat. In an effort to retain his cool facade, though, he was smooth and unwavering, and at this point, in his mind at least, he was a master of illusion.

Finally able to pull away from Snake, Raiden picked up the bag of food again, continuing to pour it into the bowl of an eagerly awaiting dog, its tail wagging away, digging in the moment Raiden pulled up the bag.

“Thanks for doing that,” Snake added as he turned to go.

“No problem. Just so you know, you’re almost out.”

“Hmm.” Snake pondered for a moment. “There’s a few other things we probably need, too. Maybe later we can run over to the store.”

Raiden raised an eyebrow. “Can you just ‘run over’ anywhere out here?”

Snake huffed. “Fine, we can drive half an hour each way to the closest store, does that sound better?”

Raiden shook his head. “You’re right, we can just run over there really quick.”

“That’s what I thought,” Snake punctuated. “Now hurry up and finish so you can come back inside. Don’t wait for the hot water to run out.”

He turned on his heel, hands shoved into his pockets as he casually strolled out without another word.

Raiden was freezing, but his cheeks were scorching. He gently pressed the backs of his icy fingers against them, trying to cool them down, but found that his fingers warmed up faster than his cheeks cooled. There was no hope for him, red-faced and excited beyond the scope of words. Until that point, he’d managed to keep the kennel fairly clean, avoiding food spills wherever possible, for the most part able to keep it all in the bowl, but once Snake was out the door, kibble rolled in all directions as Raiden hurriedly splashed fair amounts of it into each bowl, hardly pausing at the bowl, unwilling to let his feet stop moving along the way. 

After a few more rushed dumpings of food, once the dogs were happily digging in, he closed up the bag, returning it to the small closet near the front of the kennel as he rushed out into the frigid snow, trekking hurriedly back to what inevitably would be the best shower of his life, only remembering at the last second to lock the door behind him. He was thinking with something other than his brain now.

He nearly slipped more times than he could count, but as he opened the door to the warm, steam-filled house, he shed any internalized embarrassment along with a majority of his clothes; his shirt and pants made a trail behind him as he strode in his boxer briefs through the moist air toward the bathroom, where steam seeped from the crack over the door, leaving a haze on all of the surrounding windows. Though he hated to make Snake wait any longer, he scurried past the bathroom to carefully leave his gun inside the dresser drawer, making sure to close the door behind him to keep Sunny out.

Raiden was shaking as he made his way back down the hall, unsure if he was nervous or cold or both, but he was determined nonetheless, willing himself to be still. To his surprise, he had a modicum of success, able to thwart at least most of the nervous shiver, though despite the warm air, he was as of yet unable to shake the shiver of the cold. Though with his hand around the door handle, as he stood face to face with it, he wasn’t sure he’d be able to control any body function at all anymore, finding it a miracle that he was even able to maneuver his wrist to turn the door handle. 

Steam streamed out of the bathroom as he slowly opened the door, his vision inhibited by the vapor, allowing him to see only a foot or two in front of him as he adjusted to the change. There was no hesitation as he stepped inside, though, much to his surprise. 

“Shut that door before you let the cold in,” Snake’s voice rang, gruff and low and commanding. Raiden shivered at its sound as it reverberated in his very soul.

His knees were growing weak with anticipation as a sudden rush of adrenaline shot through his body, striking the pit of his stomach with exhilaration as he felt himself begin to grow hard beneath his underwear. He swallowed heavily as he closed the door, unwilling to turn from the shower. He could only see the silhouette of Snake’s body, but already it made him completely insane to know it was just beyond his reach. Stepping carefully across the slick floor, thoroughly glazed with condensation on the cool finish of the wood, his eyes narrowed, adjusting still to the light. Into view came Snake in the shower, one hand pushing wet hair off his forehead as he watched Raiden approach. Raiden’s pulse thrummed in his throat, his eyes fixated on Snake almost as if he were seeing him in slow motion, a smirk crossing his face as Raiden paused in front of the tub. 

It was almost as if Raiden was seeing him in slow motion, every second dragging with a sweet and tender molasses pause as his brain raced to keep up with the image in front of him, his mind in an almost hazy disbelief. There was Snake in whole, openly exposed for Raiden’s own viewing pleasure, which he took in greatly. Though it wasn’t the first time he’d seen the more intimate parts of him, it was the first time he’d seen all of Snake presented so availably and comfortably, and that was the most welcoming images he could have ever hoped for. His eyes didn’t even know where to begin, Snake’s strong arms, his built legs, the tight muscles of his abdomen lightly fuzzed with dark and enticing hair leading to an impressive girth that made Raiden’s mouth water. There was nothing he didn’t want to put his hands on immediately, spellbound by it all. 

Snake could see the look on Raiden’s face, that indecision of his prompting a small, vaguely prideful smile on his face. He could see Raiden’s struggle, knowing all too well the struggle of where to begin with a new form, though by this point, he was experienced enough to know that there was no wrong choice. Anticipation rang through his chest as he waited patiently for Raiden’s deliberation before extending a hand, hoping that once they were together under the water, all of the thoughts would wash away; hands and bodies would be the only things remaining.

Raiden took Snake’s hand, carefully stepping out of his underwear with no hesitation, all inhibition lying dead at the condensation-covered door. He wasn’t embarrassed to already be hard anymore. He wanted Snake to see the way he made him feel, even more excited to see that he evidently had the same effect on Snake.

Stepping carefully into the tub, Raiden’s toes were met by a warm spray, the perfect temperature to reacclimate him to the inside without burning his frigid skin. He let it wash over him, goosebumps raised along his arms as he warmed with a shiver. Though the tub was larger than most, there was a bit of maneuvering to do as Snake moved Raiden under the water, eliciting an unconscious shudder and groan as his whole body warmed instantly.

They both laughed mildly, Raiden clinging to himself in an effort to contain any further reaction. 

“Glad I didn’t miss the warm water,” Raiden said.

Snake chuckled, his fingers brushing Raiden’s shoulder as he reached around him for the soap, lathering it in his hands.

“Right down to it, huh? No foreplay, just straight to the soap? Do I smell _that_ bad?” Raiden mused sarcastically.

Snake’s soapy hands found Raiden’s hips, slowly massaging the suds deep into Raiden’s waist.

“This _is_ the foreplay,” he laughed gently into Raiden’s neck as he pressed himself into Raiden’s back, his hands gradually wandering farther and farther up Raiden’s waist, taking his time soaping up the firm ridges of his ribs, traversing his torso, skating across his shoulders, leaving no spot untouched. The smooth, soapy wash sending chills up Raiden’s spine, noticeably shivering under Snake’s hands as a devious grin crept across Snake’s face. His fingers danced across Raiden’s chest, his fingertips slipping across Raiden’s nipples, making him reflexively shudder. He tried and failed to stifle a small moan as Snake ruthlessly teased him, every hair standing up on his body despite the warm rush of water flowing over him. 

Raiden reached out, grasping the ledge only sparsely stocked with shampoo, a razor, and a small ring where the soap had been sitting before Snake made the decision to use it as an instrument of torture. His knuckles turned white, his grip hard and unrelenting as he steadied himself desperately while trying to keep his knees from wobbling uncontrollably. The idea that it was only a matter of time before Snake touched him _there_ sent warm lust rushing down his body, and he was starting to get impatient. 

Eager for more attention, he subtly shifted himself backwards, finding Snake’s already erect cock at full attention. Wanting to return the vicious tease, he began to grind his ass less than gently into Snake’s groin, an unstifled groan shamelessly escaping Snake’s lips, his hand wasting no time in traveling down to firmly grasp Raiden’s stiff shaft, his soapy hand sliding up and down the length of it while Raiden’s knees quivered dangerously. 

“You ok?” Snake asked. Raiden could feel him grinning against his throat, obviously trying to get a good view of the show.

“Too ok,” Raiden murmured, closing his eyes.

Raiden let his head fall back against Snake’s shoulder, his breath fluttering as warmth spread through his stomach. In the warm comforts of the shower as opposed to the frigid outdoors, he could truly let himself relax, and with nothing stopping him from experiencing everything to the fullest, something simple as Snake’s hand felt better than anything he could have ever imagined. His head swirled, losing himself in every little sensation, each motion bringing with it new, delicious bliss. He couldn’t settle for long before Snake released his grip and nearly made Raiden lose his footing when he pinned him against the wall, his mouth mercilessly seeking out every inch of Raiden’s skin. For once, Raiden felt exhilarated to be the object of desire, so accustomed to the chase, but so unused to being the catch. Adrenaline flowed through his body, the excitement surging through him until he wasn’t sure he could continue to meter his breathing so evenly as Snake’s lips found his throat, breaking the flow of the water over Raiden’s skin. He let his head fall back into the tile as he succumbed to the kisses, which travelled lower and lower and lower until finally, they reached their destination, a shiver racing up his spine, prompting a smile from Snake as his lips enveloped the tip of Raiden’s cock. Raiden’s grip on the soap shelf tightened, though he thought he might break straight through the tiles if he gripped it any tighter.

Raiden wriggled in delight, unable to contain himself at the sight of Snake swallowing him, and seemingly not quite as easily as Snake had originally anticipated. He’d forgotten quite how large Raiden was, but there was no quitting. He lavished Raiden with his mouth, sparing no effort. 

Heat overtook Raiden’s cheeks as they glowed brightly, his jaw going completely slack as a satisfied groan slipped from his throat, not that he could be bothered to care at this point how desperate he was. He let his fingers comb through Snake’s hair, pushing if off his face while the rushing water made every attempt at plastering it to his skin. Snake was nothing if not methodical, and Raiden’s legs were growing weaker and weaker. 

Suddenly, his mind was pulled back to his body when he thought he heard a strange noise in the other room, just barely audible over the sound of the water, his heart jumping into his throat. Snake didn’t seem to notice as his rhythm was uninterrupted. Raiden froze for a second, his legs beginning to shake ever so slightly as he listened for another sound, fear shooting through him, his adrenaline turning from lust to panic. He didn’t even have the strength in his arms to push Snake off of him.

Snake could feel Raiden’s muscles tensing, assuming he was getting close. With a small flourish, Snake ran his tongue up the length of Raiden’s shaft, making a little show of it, but when he looked up for Raiden’s approval, Raiden was stone-faced, his eyes searching the room as if he were somewhere else. Snake felt his heart drop as he struggled to get back to his feet, his knees screaming after being pressed into the tub for so long. He swallowed hard as he examined Raiden’s face. His eyebrows were knit together and his eyes were wide, fear glazed over them, and as Snake gently cupped his face, guiding Raiden’s eyes toward him, he could see Raiden’s pulse thrumming beneath the skin of his neck. His own heart was beginning to pound, though he tried to keep a neutral look about him. 

Raiden grabbed Snake’s wrist, his grip weak, finally coming back to himself and to Snake as he looked him in the eyes.

“Raiden..?” Snake asked softly.

“I heard something in the other room. Something loud,” Raiden nearly whispered.

“I didn’t hear anything,” Snake grunted, taking him by the shoulders. “You’re safe.”

Raiden cringed at Snake’s volume and held on to Snake’s forearms, though with such little strength his hands were liable to slip off at any moment. But he couldn’t will them to grip any harder. His palms had gone clammy and trembled more than he himself even noticed. 

“It’s probably just Sunny and Remy,” Snake said, attempting to match his vocal level.

“Sunny couldn’t have made the noise I heard,” he whispered more frantically.

“What noise?”

“I think they’re here,” Raiden rasped, ignoring the question.

It took Snake a moment to process his fear. 

“We’d know if they were here,” he whispered. “Raiden, look at me,” he said, gripping Raiden more tightly. He let a hand move some silver hair off Raiden’s forehead as his panicked eyes continued to scan the room. “Look at me,” he said more firmly.

Raiden managed to focus his gaze on Snake, his face pale.

“You’re safe here, alright?” he said, punctuating his statement by squeezing Raiden’s shoulders. “You’re ok.”

Raiden exhaled sharply, his jaw clenched. “Stay here,” he said, clambering out of Snake’s grip and out of the tub. “I won’t know until I know.”

Snake tried to hold onto Raiden’s arm, but Raiden tugged aggressively, slipping easily out of his grasp. Raiden snatched up his pants and pushed his still wet legs into them in one fluid movement as he made his way out the door with Snake hurriedly throwing on a towel behind him, narrowly avoiding Raiden’s sopping footsteps.

Raiden quietly darted down the hall and into the kitchen on the tips of his toes, peering around every corner and under every piece of furniture as he went. His fist clenched, both in anxiety and preparation. A thought jumped into his head to grab his gun, but he quickly dismissed it, deeming the risk of making excessive noise too high to go all that way back. Instead, he crouched against the wall as he crept through the kitchen, careful to roll his feet on the tile so as not to make a sound. He inched his way forward, readying himself for whoever he was about to face once he turned the corner. 

Snake watched him from behind, making as little noise as possible not out of his own fear, but for Raiden’s. Snake firmly believed no one was in the house. No matter how much he tried to believe that Raiden was right, he couldn’t bring himself to lose his skepticism. There was just no way, and even now that they were making their way toward the noise’s supposed source, he was surprised that Raiden hadn’t picked up on any of the clues himself. The windows were intact. The air was still warm and steamy, implying no one had opened the front door since Raiden had come in, and for that matter, if the front door had been broken in, they’d have been able to see it open from their position already, or at least the shards of glass that would likely have been scattered on the ground if they’d smashed the window in to get to the handle. Everything was exactly as they’d left it. It boggled Snake’s mind to think that Raiden wasn’t seeing what he was seeing. Or was he? Was he just going along with it because he didn’t want to admit he was wrong? Had he picked up on all the signs and refused to believe them?

Raiden’s potential ignorance scared Snake more than his presumably irrational fears.

Above all, Raiden’s mind was in a haze. He couldn’t see anything, really, and the only thing he knew for sure was that he was not in control, his body working on autopilot as he sat back and watched in horror. He could feel his back press against the wall as he prepared to turn into the living room like he was on some mission in enemy territory. His eyes watched the glass in the door window for any sign of movement reflected in it, but saw nothing. He took a deep breath, his mind trying to tell his body to stop overreacting, but his body was beyond his control, and before he knew it, he was lunging around the corner, ready to face whoever was in the other room.

He immediately fell to his knees, breathing heavily. Snake rushed over to him, crouching down and throwing an arm around his shoulder, scanning the room. 

There was no one there.

Raiden’s shuddering breaths reverberated through his body, and Snake could feel him trembling mercilessly as the adrenaline worked its way out of his system. Raiden covered his eyes, trying to catch his breath. Snake watched him, his own heart racing, waiting for Raiden’s panic to subside. He couldn’t help but wonder what was going through Raiden’s mind. He knew what it was like to feel the fear, but Jesus, he’d never reacted like this, had he? He could remember the frequent anxiety and the nightmares that plagued him at all hours of the day, but he’d never lost it like this. He figured the comparisons were completely pointless; he and Raiden were obviously different people, but he couldn’t stop himself from scrutinizing the situation just a little. He again was overcome with a bit of guilt, but he was unable to shake the bit of judgement from his mind. It almost felt like he was babysitting a self-destructive child, and he didn’t want to be the only thing standing between Raiden and his own self-wrought carnage. And above all else, he didn’t want Sunny to get caught in the crossfire of it all.

Despite his rising frustrations, he knew he needed to stay level more than anything. No scathing judgement he could make would help Raiden right now. If he was being honest with himself, though, he wasn’t really sure what to do. He felt a knot of grievance in his chest, wishing that Raiden would just grow up and get over it already, but atop that knot was another, more sensitive knot that made him worry. He wanted Raiden to be alright. It was a selfish wish, in the sense that he just wanted things to go back to normal, if there even was such a thing. But he did care about Raiden and he strived to preserve his wellbeing, no matter how annoyed he got. He had to dig through the frustration to find it, but the feelings were there, and he knew he’d do whatever it took to help him get back to his old self. There was growing to do on both of their parts, and Snake was aware that he could be a little more patient, but he was willing to work on it. He just hoped that Raiden would be willing to work on himself, too.

Finally, Raiden slumped into Snake’s side, his hand still planted firmly over his eyes as his shaky breaths subsided. Snake instinctively put his other arm around Raiden, pulling him in even closer. He rested his cheek atop Raiden’s wet hair, his thumb digging comforting little circles into Raiden’s arm. He could feel the tension beginning to fade away.

“I’m sorry, Snake,” Raiden whispered.

“It’s ok.”

They sat in their sodden embrace for what felt like ages.

“I told you you’d be safe,” Snake said. “I meant that.”

“I know.”

“Even if they did come, I’m not going to let them hurt you or Sunny…” he said. “It’s not just on you. I’m here to protect you both, too.”

Raiden let out a shuddering sigh. “Thank you.”

Snake rubbed his cheek a little more aggressively against Raiden’s hair, pulling him in just a bit tighter.

“Maybe they could kick Remy around a little bit, though,” he joked almost too sincerely.

“I’m gonna tell Hal you said that,” Raiden chuckled.

“Good. Tell him to send me a better robot if you do.”

Raiden gripped Snake’s arm, finally letting his eyes go uncovered. Finally, Snake relinquished his tight hold, letting himself sit back a bit. Snake could see the crimson glow around them, and he knew that he’d been holding back the urge to cry.

“I think you need to get out of the house,” he said, squeezing Raiden’s shoulder. “Why don’t we dry off and go out for the day? We have some errands to run, what do you say?”

“Alright, let’s do it,” Raiden said. 

Snake stood up and offered Raiden his hand, pulling him to his feet. 

“I’m gonna wash the rest of this soap off. How about we leave in twenty?”

“Sounds good,” Raiden said, offering a thumbs up and a smile with only a slight, nearly indiscernible tremble.

Snake went off to the bathroom, shutting the door behind him, leaving Raiden alone in the living room. He found himself unconsciously doing a hurried final check under the furniture as he trudged his way back down the hallway to grab his towel from the bathroom. Just as he was reaching for the handle, though, he noticed the bedroom door slightly ajar. He stopped in his tracks, certain he’d closed it behind him.

His heart rate skyrocketed as he crept toward the door, taking far less care than he had previously. If someone was in there, they already knew Raiden was looking for them, and they’d be ready. He didn’t have time to waste trying to be careful anymore. He slid along the wall incautiously, peering through the opening in the door as he went. All he could see was a mess of things scattered around the room. Instantly, he went into attack mode, feeling validated for a moment before he burst into the room, finding nothing but Sunny and Remy making a mess of his backpack and anything else they could get their hands on.

Everything clicked and Raiden’s heart sank when he saw the nightstand drawers pulled out and toppled over on the floor, Snake’s various belongings strewn about around them and, most sinisterly, Raiden’s SOCOM lying in the middle of the floor.

He hurriedly snatched it up, feeling his stomach churn, bile pushing at the back of his throat. Sunny had evidently been completely uninterested in it, thankfully more engrossed in an empty jar of food, the contents of which had been spilled around the room. He watched her, his eyes wide in horror when he considered the possibilities, as she obliviously babbled and slapped around the mess, indecorously smearing it around her face. 

Raiden scooped her up in one arm, the SOCOM hanging from his hand ominously, taunting him at his side with the fleet of hypotheticals that ran through his head. His chest constricted completely and he couldn’t breathe.

_Fuck…_ he thought. _FUCK._

He couldn’t believe himself. He knew better than that. He knew that drawer wasn’t secure, didn’t he? Surely he’d closed the door behind him, though, hadn’t he? Where did he go wrong? What variables hadn’t he considered? Could Sunny open doors now? Had he been so caught up in his own shit that he’d failed to pay attention to her enough to notice what she was capable of? 

He felt like an idiot and an asshole, completely in disbelief at his own carelessness. He could only watch as Sunny slapped the empty jar in frustration while he wallowed in his own internal punishment and Remy cowered in the corner. 

“Uh-buh,” she babbled, hitting Raiden’s chest gently with the jar, trying desperately to get his attention. “Uh-BUH,” she wailed more forcefully, her little voice wobbling as she slipped into tears, beginning to wail loudly.

“Is it empty?” he asked, his voice trembling. “Looks like you need more…”

Raiden clutched her tightly, lightly bouncing her up and down, burying his face in her hair as she screamed into his chest, waving the empty jar around. Tears welled in his eyes, and he couldn’t stop them from rolling down his cheeks, his jaw clenched tight as he held her much more tensely than she would’ve liked. He tried hard to be silent, sobbing noiselessly into Sunny’s hair, his muffled cries drowned out by Sunny’s shrieks.

Adrenaline surged through him when he heard the shower shut off. There was a moment of silence before he heard Snake call from the bathroom.

“Raiden?” 

“I got her,” Raiden called back, hurriedly stuffing the SOCOM into a pile of junk on the top shelf of Snake’s closet. “I got her,” he whispered into Sunny’s hair as she continued to cry.

“I got you,” he whispered again, more to himself than anything.

Sunny didn’t seem to care, doggedly howling in his arms. He felt weak, trepidatiously making his way through the debris to support himself against the wall, letting himself sink to the floor, forcing himself to calm down to the best of his ability. He quickly wiped his face as he heard the bathroom door open.

Snake walked in, rubbing his hair carelessly with a towel, fully dressed and ready to go until the mess gave him pause. 

“Jesus, this robot…” he said, exasperated. “God, Raiden, you’re covered in _shit_.”

Raiden had hardly noticed the mush mess smeared across both his chest and the baby. He chuckled emptily, doing his best to act normal.

“Yeah, sorry. I need to be more careful,” he chuckled.

“Well, at least you found your noise,” Snake said.

Snake made his way across the floor, carefully lifting Sunny from Raiden’s arms, keeping her away from him.

“I’ll take care of her, you go ahead and get yourself cleaned up. We can worry about this mess later. You two clearly need a day out,” he joked, taking Sunny from the room.

Raiden let his head thump against the wall, closing his eyes.

_Can a day out really fix this?_

He exhaled heavily.

_Can anything?_

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> AAAH FINALLY!!
> 
> Thank you so much to everyone who was so patient and encouraging while I was struggling to write. All of the comments and messages I've gotten about the fic have been seriously motivating and I appreciate everyone who took the time to leave a kudos or a comment. I've been hitting a lot of blocks lately, so I apologize for the serious delay, but I'm hoping to get back into a more consistent routine since I have so much more time to write now.


	11. Chapter 11

_“Everything was beautiful and nothing hurt.”_

The line rolled around in the back of Snake’s head like a painted marble in a box, laying claim to every corner it could. He’d read it in _Slaughterhouse-Five_ at least a hundred times, and figured he’d pondered it for at least a hundred hours. He remembered the first time he read it, thinking it was a nice sentiment, but oh so unrealistic an attitude to achieve. He almost annoyed himself with the optimism of it, his gut feeling absolutely torn by his inability to believe in it, and the annoyance persisted for days after reading it. He introspected too much in those days, but he also drank too much in those days, so it wasn’t his fault for getting so lost in pessimistic annoyance _or_ for so grossly misinterpreting the quote. At least that’s what he would tell himself. It wasn’t until the second or third time he read it when he mulled it over, realizing the beauty in Vonnegut’s sarcastic sense of satire in that particular moment of the book. It was scathing if lighthearted, and Snake thought that that in itself was as elegant as the words themselves.

_“Everything was beautiful and nothing hurt.”_

He knew what it meant. He knew that beautiful words couldn’t mask the deep scars inlaid in his soul after everything he’d been through. He’d lived too much for that. But like Billy Pilgrim in _Slaughterhouse-Five_ , he wanted to believe that saying the words would make it ok. 

But like Billy Pilgrim, he knew it never could. 

_“Everything was beautiful and nothing hurt.”_

It came to his mind periodically, seemingly out of nowhere, and on this particular occurrence, he found himself mulling it over again in a few moments of silence as he stared blankly at a blaringly fluorescent wall of white plastic packaging, various pictures of babies and young children laughing in diapers staring back at him as he and Raiden cluelessly perused the supplies with few words between them. It had been a quiet morning thus far— he and Raiden had made the drive mostly in silence. He knew Raiden was probably a bit on edge still, but he wasn’t quite sure how to broach the subject with him. He wasn’t even really sure that he wanted to. So in silence they rode. It wasn’t uncomfortable. In fact, it was almost a nice change of pace. Snake felt like he hadn’t had quite as much quiet time as he usually preferred since Raiden had arrived, and he was absorbing every second of peace he could get.

It was then that he’d begun to ruminate on Vonnegut, though currently he was having trouble waxing philosophical in the face of such an annoyingly difficult, mundane task. He scratched his stubbly chin, feeling hopelessly lost in the sea of trivially over-marketed children’s supplies, feeling strangely at a loss, leaning against his cart already full of other similarly nondescript supplies—jars of food, bed supplies for Sunny, and various other random necessities. He scoured the shelves, growing more and more annoyed at each additional attribute printed on the packaging. He snatched one off the shelf, scrutinizing the list of benefits to that particular product.

“Does she need…” he began, his nose scrunched as he read down the list, “...organic diapers?”

Raiden paused for a moment before turning to Sunny, who he carried hefted up onto his hip with one arm as if he’d been carrying her that way all her life. “I don’t know, do you need organic diapers? Hmm?”

Sunny’s eyes were wide and curious as she watched Raiden’s mouth move when he talked to her. Rather than answer him with a babble, she seemed to think that the conversation would be much more interesting if she put her whole hand ever so gently into his mouth, no matter how much he pulled his face away; that’s just what she did until he finally grabbed her arm, sputtering, pushing it from him. She seemed a little less excited about this turn of events, but contented herself with just a few babblings to punctuate her disappointment.

“Uh DUH,” she said pointedly.

“I think she said ‘I’d shit in a newspaper if you tied it around my ass,’” Raiden laughed, trying to wipe the taste of baby fist off his lips.

Snake stifled a laugh, raising his eyebrows ever so slightly. “That could be an economically smart choice, you know.”

Raiden scoffed. “Alright, well then you can have fun cleaning that up, but I don’t think I want to be part of it.”

Snake returned the package to the shelf, picking up another one of the dozen seemingly identical packs in front of him.

“Do we even know how old she is? How do we know what size she needs?”

“She’s uh…” Raiden looked her over, trying to gauge her size. “Maybe two?”

“No,” Snake shook his head. “She has to be younger than that. Maybe…. one? Just over one?”

Raiden snatched a package off the shelf without much thought.

“What’s that one?” Snake asked.

Raiden simply shrugged, tossing it into the cart. “It’s the one we’re buying.”

Snake nodded. “You’re a genius, Raiden.”

Raiden situated Sunny carefully into the child seat atop the shopping cart, fastening the small safety belt around her waist.

“Hey, if it’s ok with you I wanna go grab some clothes and things for myself,” Raiden said. “If you wanna finish grabbing anything else we need for Sunny, I was thinking I’d take the carseat for her and get it set up in the truck so you don’t have to mess around with it when you’re done.”

Snake seemed confused, but he kept his voice level. “Sure, I guess that’s fine.”

No sooner than he’d grabbed the carseat from the cart was Raiden already heading off, stuffing his free hand casually into his pocket. “I’ll come find you when I’m done. I shouldn’t be too long.”

Snake watched him as he disappeared down the aisle. He couldn’t put his finger on it, but something seemed off about it. About Raiden. He couldn’t help but wonder if something was wrong, but he was trying to practice putting a bit more faith in him. Though his initial instinct was to follow him, he knew that if they were going to live together in any capacity for any amount of time, he had to trust him.

As it turned out, that was proving to be much more difficult than he’d originally thought. Betraying every instinct that told him otherwise, he turned the cart around and set off in the opposite direction.

Halfway across the store already, Raiden quickly found himself in the clothing section, blindly grabbing anything that looked like it’d fit him. Shirts, socks, underwear, jeans, whatever he could find, even a pair of sneakers that he didn’t bother to try on before hurrying to the grocery section, perusing the produce. He collected a few greens, some spices, and a few other ingredients for what was shaping up to be a very fancy prospective meal, if done correctly. He was rusty, but before his last mission, he’d been told on more than a few occasions that he was an excellent cook. He hoped that was still the case.

He found a stack of baskets nearby, dumping his findings into the top one as he grabbed it and made his way down the center aisle, bypassing a few more aisles before he nonchalantly made a turn down the liquor aisle.

He wasn’t entirely certain himself whether he’d come on purpose or if he’d simply let his body autopilot him there since he’d been so accustomed to the destination, but as soon as he was in front of the illustrious, honey-colored wall of whiskeys, he instantly felt uneasy, darkness encroaching on the peripheries of his vision as he lost focus on anything besides the liquor in front of him. He felt his legs trying to walk away, his heart beating faster and faster as he tried to coax himself into leaving. But he was paralyzed, hypnotized by it all, unable to stop himself from reaching out and taking the first bottle of Gentleman Jack in front of him and placing it gingerly in the basket.

By this point, he’d been sober for longer than he’d managed in the past year, and simply just having the bottle near him had begun to ease his stresses. The only pain lingering in his heart was guilt.

He could picture Snake’s disappointment already. Snake had been so candid and open before about the issue that Raiden couldn’t help but feel like he was betraying him, spitting on a vulnerable moment that they’d shared. He was cognisant of the fact that Snake just wanted to help, but his empty flask weighed a thousand pounds in his pocket, dragging him further and further down with every step he took. He’d thought to hide the bottle in the house, but under Snake’s vigilant eye he knew he’d be caught. There was no way he wouldn’t see it eventually. Raiden gritted his teeth, cautiously moving some other groceries atop the bottle, obscuring it from plain view anyway. The odds of success were slim, but he couldn’t help it. He felt nauseated by the deception, but as he picked up the carseat they’d picked for Sunny and headed to the register, he felt dizzy. Raiden didn’t have much of a proclivity for outright lying, per se, but he knew that sometimes omitting the truth was the only option no matter how wrong it felt, and in this case, he couldn’t see any other way. He was weak. He was ashamed. But he was also desperate. The path to normalcy was paved with discomfort and pain, and Snake didn’t deserve to suffer with him. Though he realized that this was only a temporary solution to his troubles, he was confident that as long as Snake didn’t find out, it was the better option for everyone, especially Snake and Sunny.

He hurried to the front, feeling more impatient than ever as the cashier scanned his items one by one without even a remote sense of urgency. Raiden couldn’t help but peer around as discreetly as possible, hoping Snake wouldn’t round the corner and spot him. He wrestled his wallet from his deep coat pocket, opening it to reveal nothing but a full fold of cash. Though there were card pockets abound inside, not a single one was filled— not even the clear ID compartment. He’d never thought twice about it before, but once it became too late, it occurred to him that that was a problem.

The steady beeping of the scanner ceased as the cashier paused, the bottle sitting on the belt. 

“ID, please,” she requested.

Raiden paused for a moment, staring at his empty wallet. He patted his coat pockets, feigning search, though he knew that no matter how much he dug, there was no ID to be found. He gave the most convincing shrug he could muster.

“Sorry, looks like I forgot it,” he said with a casual chuckle. “Oh well, I didn’t need it that badly. I can just bring it back on my way out, I don't want to make more work for you,” he said, picking up the bottle.

Without a word, the cashier finished scanning the rest of his items, tossing them carelessly into a paper bag.

He pulled the appropriate amount of cash from his wallet and handed it over to the cashier once she was finished, unconsciously tapping his foot, knowing he was only moments away from getting away with his little scheme without being caught by Snake. His whole body reverberated with his heartbeat, the adrenaline overtaking his brain. 

Raiden slipped the handles of the bag over his wrist, grabbing the bottle with his newly freed hand and picked up the carseat box with his other arm, setting off for the liquor aisle before the cashier could finish her lifeless “Have a nice day.”

As quickly as he could, he walked off toward the liquor aisle, and it was only then when he spotted a camera that he realized he’d been making note of them since he’d walked into the store, mapping out their blindspots as if out of habit. He’d not walked in with the intention of doing anything illegal, but he definitely had felt more secure knowing where he was and wasn’t being watched. 

He had but a momentary inclination to actually walk back to the liquor aisle and return the bottle to the shelf, but his hands didn’t agree as they slipped the whiskey into the carseat box almost without his permission at the first finding of a blindspot in the cameras. It was all too easy, and the guilt Raiden felt over his petty theft was nothing compared to the fear he felt of Snake finding out, but neither of those feelings mattered if he had liquor to soothe them. He walked briskly toward the exit, handing his receipt to the equally unenthusiastic employee checking bags at the door. He held out his bag for examination, keeping the carseat box tightly under his arm as the employee went over the receipt, marking off each item with a highlighter. He made note of the box, checking it off on the receipt before finally handing it back to Raiden, with an apathetic “Have a nice day,” which could only be rivaled in lack of enthusiasm by the cashier.

Raiden simply smiled at him as he walked out, a hollow expression that brought him relief but no joy.

He made it as quickly as possible to the car, his breath heavy and cloudy in the frigid, snowy air as the adrenaline wore off, his body shuddering with every exhale. He felt simultaneously disgusted and proud of himself for getting away with it, both unstoppable and incredibly weak. He loaded up the bags of clothes and food in a hurry before discreetly pulling the whiskey bottle from the box as he unpacked the carseat. He held it in his hands, his trophy and his burden, the glass almost feeling warm in his hands against the cold air. He cracked off the seal around the top, unscrewing the cap with trembling hands as flakes of snow landed on Sunny’s neglected car seat, laying exposed in the box. The scent wafted through the air, burning his nostrils with its sweet, familiar fire. He was practically salivating by the time he took his first drink. It stung the whole way down and he loved it, taking almost no time to savor it before bringing the bottle back to his lips for more.

The heat radiated through his body from his stomach to his toes, every fiber of him becoming more and more relaxed by the second. He began to feel so calm that looking at the car seat made him feel nothing anymore. He let himself rest a moment, leaning against the truck as he watched the cloudy sky. His fingertips felt numb, and though his head began to feel cloudy, he hadn’t felt this clear in days. 

Remembering himself, he screwed the cap back on, stuffing the bottle under the passenger seat, ensuring it wouldn’t roll, before fumbling with the carseat. He ground his teeth as he tried to follow the directions, the thin pages becoming damp as snowflakes settled and melted atop them, causing the paper to nearly tear with every maneuver of the booklet. Eventually, though, before the ink print became completely incomprehensible, Raiden managed to figure it out, securing the baby seat in the middle. He seemed satisfied and began digging through one of the grocery bags, pulling out a pack of mints before quickly popping two into his mouth. He stuck them under the passenger seat, lying right next to the secret bottle, doing his best to have them lay in a small groove that would keep them from moving around.

He finished just in the knick of time, his leg beginning to throb just above the knee, newfound discomfort surging through his healing wound. It hadn’t given him trouble in a while, but with the amount he’d been walking around the store today, it seemed like his luck had run out in that department. He annoyedly rubbed his thigh just to the side of the injury, hoping to bring a bit of relief, but it didn’t seem to help.

He hadn’t spotted it before, but his attention was drawn by a vehicle across the lot. It was big and dark with nearly opaque tinted windows, and among all the small beaters around it, it looked too new and nice to blend in. He would have dismissed it quickly had it not been for the lack of license plates on the front, which stuck out to him. He watched it for a moment, feeling the beginnings of panic creep up on him. He pushed them back down, aided by the confidence of liquor, rationalizing all the possible explanations for it in his head. There were a million reasons for a nice, new car to be out in a public space, and he knew that if he kept giving credence to his paranoia, he’d only cause it to continue to grow stronger. He fought it, trying to be bigger than his demons, and for now, while he basked in the glow of liquor, he succeeded. He shut the car door and chose to ignore it. 

He’d hardly noticed until now, but the temperature had dropped significantly, and things began to seem more cold and bleak than he’d ever thought possible. It felt appropriate, all things considered. He rubbed his hands together before shoving them inside his pockets, wondering if the drop in temperature could be what was agitating his leg. Of course, the amount of walking he’d been doing was assuredly not helping. As he headed back to the store, he noticed how much it actually affected his gait. He ground his teeth, not having expected it to hinder him like this. He tried consciously to correct it, unwilling to show Snake or any of the strangers passing him by that he was struggling, though he caught himself slipping into a bit of a limp periodically.

The warm air of the store eased his suffering a bit as the doors slid open in front of him, welcoming him back. It didn’t take long to find Snake pushing the cart through the infant clothing section carrying Sunny in one arm, perusing tiny pink onesies and little polka dotted shirts with all sorts of puns in poor taste printed on them.

Snake saw Raiden immediately, his attention grabbed from the gaudy baby clothes. He pointed helplessly to the shelf.

“Do people really buy their kids clothes like this?” he asked, sounding concerned. “This one says ‘My mommy wants to talk to your manager.’ What does that mean??” 

“I… I have no idea,” Raiden responded, forgetting any problems he was dwelling on to join Snake in the confusion. “What about these ones?” he said, pointing to some more reasonable looking outfits. “They have dinosaurs on them.”

“Those are for boys, though,” Snake said. “Can we buy her dinosaur clothes?”

Raiden was baffled by the wall of clothes. There were dark blue and green shirts to the right with all sorts of animals and other images on them, and to the left, an assortment of pink and white outfits with the same cursive font printed on them. Almost no clothing was left without text to the left, which baffled Raiden, as he was fairly certain he’d never seen such egregious wordplay printed on baby clothes before in his life.

Raiden shrugged. “It’s apparently either dinosaurs or ‘I take milk with my coffee.’ ” 

Even Raiden was surprised by the words he was saying. “Is this really what people are putting their kids in?”

“Not _my_ kid,” Snake said, dropping several blue and green shirts of various printing into the cart. “We’re doing dinosaurs.”

As he loaded up the cart, though, he couldn’t help but notice Raiden staring at him with a subtle smile on his face. Snake’s eyebrows knitted together.

“What?”

“Nothing,” Raiden said. “You just called Sunny your kid. It was… kind of cute.”

Snake’s face turned instantly, fiercely red. “No, that… I was… I didn’t mean it like that. I meant _this_ kid, like the one in my possession. You know, it’s… she’s _my_ kid that’s… the one in my arms right now… in that kind of way...”

Raiden raised an eyebrow, his expression skeptical. “Whatever you say,” he said, almost singsongy and absolutely full of doubt.

Snake pursed his lips. “Don’t look at me like that, you know what I meant.”

“You don’t have to be embarrassed to enjoy having a baby, Snake.” Raiden fiddled with Sunny’s little hand while she playfully attempted to hit his fingers. “She’s kind of nice to have around, I guess.”

“Yeah, well…” Snake grumbled, “she’s still Olga’s kid, anyway.”

“Of course she is, but she’s still got two fun uncles, right?”

“Hrmm...” Snake pondered for a moment. “Yeah, I guess she does.”

“I don’t think anyone has ever had an ‘Uncle Snake’ before, but I think it’s about time we changed that,” Raiden joked.

“Sure, but I don’t think people are having many get-togethers with their ‘Uncle Raiden,’ either,” Snake said.

Raiden thought for a moment. “Alright, Snake, touché.”

“She’s just gonna have to get used to having a weird family, I guess,” Snake said with a shrug.

Raiden smiled, and where he’d normally feel fear at the idea of something so comfortable and permanent, he instead felt the warm safety of liquor. His happiness felt genuine enough.

“I’ll be proud to be her weird uncle,” Raiden said. 

Snake watched his unwavering cheer, instantly suspicious. Domesticity of that caliber would ordinarily have sent Raiden into a full blown panic attack, but he now didn’t show any sign of an adverse reaction. Snake watched Raiden’s hands, but they didn’t tremble. The corner of his mouth didn’t twitch into a frown, even for a moment. His jaw didn’t flex, and his eyebrows didn’t furrow. There was nothing there to betray the idea that Raiden felt totally at peace with this. Snake carefully noted the scent in the air, detecting only mint where he expected to find liquor. He was skeptical, but for the sake of practicing good faith in Raiden, he eased off his suspicion a bit. Maybe Raiden was making an effort. Maybe he was trying to change, and maybe it was working. Who was Snake to doubt him for something so silly as reacting appropriately to things? 

When he managed to put his worries aside, he found that he actually felt a bit warm inside. His heart felt like it fluttered a bit in his chest. The thought of him and Raiden as Sunny’s uncles had a sort of sweet feeling that he hadn’t expected, but was pleasantly surprised by. He almost felt like an idiot for feeling that way, but the idea that he was important enough to be considered someone’s family was a welcomed change of pace. He couldn’t remember the last time he’d felt this comfortable with anyone, and seeing the way Raiden was looking at him right now made him feel like family could be possible after all. Especially with his little surrogate family. It was exhilarating to care for and be cared for. He’d wasted so much time already holding a grudge against family ties that he couldn’t stand to be skeptical anymore. When he was finally surrounded by the people he chose to love, none of the pains of his past seemed to matter anymore.

_Maybe this is healing._

He’d never anticipated having life changing epiphanies in the children’s aisle of a big box store that was way too bright and egregiously loud, but here he was. He was learning to appreciate the precious, mundane moments. 

He also discovered that maybe, as long as he could share them with his new family, maybe they wouldn’t be so mundane anymore.

******

Snake and Raiden returned to the car as the sun began to set with hands full of bags, all stuffed with supplies to start a proper household, and though neither had really minded the living situation before, it definitely seemed like this trip was long overdue. Raiden even got an actual pillow and a few extra blankets for the house out of it, which in retrospect would have been nice a week ago when he’d arrived, but nonetheless it was better late than never. It finally all felt complete. For once, Raiden let himself feel excited, the weight of apprehension seeming to just roll right off his shoulders at his urging. It was more of a relief than he could have imagined.

Finally prepared for Sunny to brave the cold, they stuffed the wiggly baby into a small jacket that was only slightly too big for her and a little purple knit hat to keep her head warm. As he and Snake fumbled with the twisted and seemingly infinite straps of the carseat, they could only laugh. Sunny didn’t seem to find it all that amusing, and though her noisy flailing didn’t help to ease the process, neither of them minded as they tried to maneuver her little arms and legs into the harness, a seemingly hopeless venture that her hapless uncles found endlessly hilarious. 

“How many straps does this thing have,” Raiden said, with an exasperated smile. 

“Too many,” Snake replied with two pieces of a clip in his hand and no idea how either one fit into the equation. “I will only say this once, but I’m the legendary soldier Solid Snake, god damn it, and I can do this.”

Raiden could hardly contain himself. “Wait, I think I figured it out.”

He took one of the clips from Snake’s hand, his fingers brushing Snake’s for just a bit too long to be an accident. He looped it through another strap before finally clipping it over Sunny’s chest.

“I can take apart a SOCOM, clean it, and put it back together behind my back and blindfolded in under 90 seconds, but this…” Snake said, watching Raiden try to work with the rest of it, “This is something else.”

Sunny gave them as hard a time as she could, but eventually, after twisting and untwisting and pushing and pulling and clipping and unclipping and reclipping, they’d finally won and Sunny was secure. 

They extracted themselves from the backseat, sighing with exasperation as they climbed into the front. 

“I think we’re never driving anywhere again,” Raiden said with a laugh, brushing loose hair from his forehead.

“I’m with you. Good thing we stocked up on things, cause I don’t think we’ll be coming back for a while,” Snake said. “How are you feeling? Are you hungry?”

“I could eat. What are you thinking?” Raiden asked. 

“There’s a diner around here that’s known for their waffles, if you’re into that. It’s just been a while since I’m sure either of us has been out for fun, and I feel like it’d be a shame to just go home now.”

“Waffles for dinner?” Raiden laughed, letting his head rest against the seat as Snake revved the truck’s engine to life. “I’m in.”

Raiden watched the scenery out the window, hardly disturbed, even when Snake slid his hand under Raiden’s atop the armrest console and entwined his fingers in Raiden’s. They didn’t say a word, but while Raiden mindlessly let his thumb stroke Snake’s hand, there was nothing that needed to be said.

_Maybe everything really can be beautiful and nothing will hurt anymore._

The corner of Snake’s mouth perked up into a sort of discreet grin.

_Maybe Kurt Vonnegut didn’t know anything after all._

The drive wasn’t long before they pulled up to a small restaurant off an empty road, hardly able to find a place to park in the tiny, crowded parking lot. Luckily for them, a car next to the building happened to pull out, leaving them a free space right near the entrance. Compared to the trouble of securing Sunny in her seat, unpacking themselves from the car was much less of a hassle. Raiden lifted her out, her face brightening as soon as she was released from her tiny safety prison, wiggling around with joy.

Through the window, Snake could see a fairly large crowd of people packed in the diner.

“Sorry, I forgot it’s Saturday,” he said, rubbing the back of his neck. “You sure you’re still good to go in? We can go home if you want.”

“I don’t mind the crowd,” Raiden reassured him. “And I can wait for a seat if we have to. I’ll be ok.”

Snake nodded and opened the door, the drone of the busy diner leaking out as they stepped in. Immediately, they were greeted by a large and overzealous waitress with a resounding greeting, whose hair had begun to fall out of what was probably a very neat bun when her shift started. Her cheeks were bright pink, her glossy lipstick shining as her lips stretched over an enthusiastic smile. She radiated energy, nearly bouncing in place as she helped them at the hostess stand.

“Hellooooo, welcome!!” she exclaimed. “How many?”

“Just three, please.” Snake did his best to seem polite, though she clearly outweighed his energy by a ton.

“Sure thing!” she said, scribbling on a list atop the counter. “You boys are lucky, you got here just in time for the dinner rush to leave! Should be just a short wait for a table, maybe ten minutes. Just got one other couple in front of you, if that’s ok,” she said, gesturing to a young man and woman sitting nearby.

“That’s fine, we’ll wait,” he said.

“Perfect!” she sang. “What name can I put down for your table?”

Snake and Raiden paused for a moment. Snake clenched his jaw.

“It’s uh…” Snake nearly grumbled. “You can just put David.”

“Okie dokie, thank you David!” she said, clearly unaware of his reaction as she scribbled on the list. “I’ll give you a shout when your table is ready!”

With a weak “thank you,” they both stepped back outside.

Snake pulled his pack of Lucky Strikes from his jacket pocket, grabbing his lighter from the pack before taking a single cigarette.

Raiden watched him work, but he couldn’t help but be intrigued. No sooner than Snake had taken a deep inhale of his cigarette did he shoot Raiden a look, almost as if he could read his mind.

“Don’t,” he said, smoke pouring from his mouth. He seemed stern at first, but Raiden quickly sensed him lighten up.

“So you’re a David, huh?” Raiden couldn’t help himself.

“Tch. I’m more of a Snake.”

“Hmm,” Raiden said, pondering. “You don’t ever think of going by your real name?”

“Do you?” 

“Alright, you have a point,” Raiden said, surprisingly jovial.

“What’s a real name anyway? It’s just something they call you when you’re a kid. It doesn’t mean anything. It’s not who you are.” He couldn’t help but scoff. “My _real_ name is Snake.”

“I think it suits you,” Raiden said.

“Thanks,” Snake said. He let the silence hang for a minute, but began feeling a bit bold. “You really don’t ever think of going by Jack again?”

“Only on bad days,” he said.

Snake just nodded, taking another drag. “Boy, do I get that.”

The rest of the wait passed in silence, a small family and a couple waddled out of the diner one after the other. It wasn’t long before the eager waitress popped her head out the door with that same exuberant smile.

“David, party of three!” she called, despite the fact that no one else was around.

Snake and Raiden shuffled in behind the woman, who was practically vibrating as she grabbed two menus and a printed piece of paper with a pack of crayons. She turned abruptly.

“Do you boys need a high chair for your daughter?”

Though both of them were immediately inclined to respond with “She’s not our daughter,” they instead simultaneously gave opposing answers, Snake with a “yes,” and Raiden with a “no.”

They quickly looked at each other.

“Sorry, yes, you’re right. A high chair, please,” Raiden said.

With a swift nod in acknowledgement, the waitress bounced over to a stack of high chairs, pulling one from the top and rolling it in front of her as she led them to the table, scooting it up to the end of an empty booth. She dropped the menus and crayons on the table and flitted off to the kitchen. 

Raiden slid Sunny into her little seat before dropping himself into the seat opposite Snake. They both perused the menu quietly for a few moments while Sunny mercilessly slammed the box of crayons repeatedly onto the paper. 

“Ya da, YA _DAH_ ,” she squealed, shaking them as if to show Raiden.

“Do you think she even knows what to do with these?” Raiden asked, taking them from her to open them up. 

“I’m not really sure how focused The Patriots’ childcare program is on artistic development, but my money would be on probably not particularly.” Snake responded.

Raiden handed Sunny a red crayon and watched her hit not only the table with it, but also the chair and her own head, more times than seemed normal. Snake and Raiden sputtered with laughter, prompting a huge grin to spread across her face, showing the few teeth she had as she continued to poke the top of her head with it. Raiden took it from her and made big exaggerated strokes with it across the kids’ coloring menu on the table in front of her.

“Like this, Sunny, you draw with it,” he cooed. He made a large circle as she watched, mesmerized, before putting two more circles inside it with a large line curved upward underneath. He pointed to the minimalistic smiling face that stared up at her.

“That’s you, Sunny!” he said.

She mimicked him, pointing at the face, babbling relentlessly before she pointed at him.

“La DA! La DA!”

Snake looked at Raiden as she repeated herself, his eyebrow raised.

“Sounds almost like she’s saying ‘Raiden,’ doesn’t it?” he asked.

Raiden scoffed, blushing. “She can’t say that.”

“No, but she can try,” Snake replied.

“She’s just making sounds.”

“Sure, but so are we. Come on, you should feel special. She loves you.”

Raiden shook his head, laughing. “Maybe. But it’s only because ‘Snake’ is a bitch to say with no teeth.”

“That’s a good point.” 

Snake watched Sunny as she crudely scribbled the crayon across the paper, having almost no middle ground between crushing the tip into the page and not being on the paper at all. She almost seemed more to slash at the page than anything else, but she was trying. 

Snake pulled the yellow crayon out of the box and drew a similar face next to the first, but giving this one straight, shoulder length scribbles for hair. He pointed at the face.

“Who is that, Sunny? Is that Uncle Raiden?” he asked, his voice much softer and less gravelly than usual.

Sunny slapped the page excitedly. “YA _DA_ , YA _DA_!”

Snake and Raiden looked at each other. Raiden quickly pulled a blue crayon from the box, quickly drawing a face with dark hair and a big frown next to his first picture. He drew two parallel lines across the forehead just above the eyes. He pointed to it.

“Can you say ‘Snake’?” he asked.

Sunny looked at it, mumbling as if she were trying to formulate sounds in her mouth.

“Snake?” he repeated, even higher pitched than before.

She made a few seemingly nonsensical sounds, wiggling her tongue around, mostly just making herself drool.

“Aww…” Raiden sounded disappointed. “I was hoping she’d be able to say your name too.”

“She’s more perceptive than you think, Raiden,” Snake said, crossing his arms as he leaned back. “I’m sure she knows my name. The Patriots may not have engaged with her and practiced speaking with her, but she could probably hear them. She knows the sounds, she just can’t really make them with her mouth yet.”

The thought made Raiden sad. He watched her joyously coloring under his and Snake’s drawings, blissfully unaware of the subject of discussion. She didn’t have to remember how sterile and cold her nursery room was with The Patriots. Raiden remembered for her, and it made him shiver to think about. It was horrible and sterile and small, like she was some animal in a cage. He couldn’t imagine anyone there taking the time to give her toys or speak with her. He figured she was probably not even held until he came along to take her away. A whole year, she was there. His heart ached for that year. He knew there was nothing he could have done differently to change the way things happened, but he couldn’t stop himself from feeling guilty. 

Snake seemed eager to change the subject, perceiving Raiden’s turmoil almost instantly. Before he got the chance, the jovial waitress bounded over with a pot of steaming coffee in hand.

“You boys ready?” she asked gleefully.

They gave her their order, again trying their best to sound as polite as possible without going to ridiculous lengths to match her energy. She scribbled furiously in her notepad, nodding her head approvingly along with everything they said.

“Anything for the little one?”

Snake and Raiden shot each other a look again, both entirely unsure.

“Maybe just a pancake for her,” Snake said.

After she finished scribbling, the waitress plucked the menus from the table, beaming.

“Alright boys, my name’s Judy, just give a yell if you need something!”

She dashed off and immediately the silence felt like relief. Snake sighed, exhaling his discomfort with her excessive joy. Raiden seemed to share his exhaustion. 

“This is nice,” Snake said, almost sarcastically.

“Yeah, it is,” Raiden answered. He meant it.

“If you want, maybe we should get out more,” Snake said, scratching his stubble thoughtfully. “We don’t have to always stay home, we can go out and do things.”

“What do you have in mind?”

Snake continued scratching his scruff, thinking. He cast his eyes downward, a bit shyly.

“Well if you wanted, I could… maybe teach you about dog sledding? If you want to go for a run, that is…” He couldn’t bring his gaze up to meet what he assumed would be Raiden’s polite rejection.

To his surprise, Raiden brightened up instantly. “Really? I would love that!!”

Snake was pretty sure he turned bright red, but he couldn’t really be bothered to feel too embarrassed about it. Instead, he felt excited, more than he’d originally anticipated.

“Alright then, it’s…” he struggled a second. “It’s a date.”

“It’s a date,” Raiden confirmed.

Before they knew it, Judy had seemingly appeared out of nowhere with a tray full of food. She dropped two plates of waffles for Snake and Raiden and just a tiny pancake for Sunny, scurrying off after delightfully inquiring about their further needs. 

“Now that I’m seeing it in person, I don’t think I’ve ever imagined you as a waffles type of guy,” Raiden mused as he watched Snake cut his first piece.

“When you eat these waffles, you can’t be anything else,” he replied with his mouth muffled full of said waffles. 

Raiden laughed at the absurd notion, cutting into his own waffles, taking a much more reasonably sized bite. He raised his eyebrows and looked at Snake, who just shrugged expectantly.

“I told you,” Snake said. 

Raiden picked up Sunny’s pancake, tearing off a little piece and handing it to her. They watched as she gnawed on it, mashing it in her mouth, trying to use her small and sparse teeth to eat. Periodically, as they ate, they’d take turns tearing off another for her, exchanging looks and laughing as they watched her excitedly stuff pancake pieces into her mouth. They hadn’t seen her this excited before, her face seeming to light up with every bit given to her, and every smile and eager reach made them marvel at how expressive she could be.

Sunny wasn’t the only one whose expressions were interesting throughout the meal. Periodically, Snake and Raiden would catch glances from the other—tiny looks that would often seem innocuous, but which lingered too long to be nothing. Neither of them could help it. 

Raiden frequently took the opportunity to study Snake’s face more closely than he’d been able to before. He memorized the way his mouth moved when he spoke, where his lips bent and parted to make certain sounds, how his eyes wandered aimlessly while he talked, yet stayed perfectly trained on Raiden while he listened, even the way the corners of his eyes creased when he smiled, which he’d been doing much more frequently today, Raiden noticed. He was so handsome and Raiden couldn’t help but to scrutinize every detail while he could. He could hardly pay attention to what Snake was saying, losing himself in the constant conscious realizations about his mannerisms that delighted Raiden to no end. He especially loved how frequently he glanced at Sunny, and how soft his eyes were when he looked at her, as if too strong a gaze might hurt her. He may claim to be bad with kids, but as far as Raiden could tell, he had a much deeper intuition with her than he realized, and Raiden couldn’t help but fall in love with that. With _him_. With _them._

His little family, so full of love.

The last time he’d been confronted with the idea of becoming a family he was afraid. He felt wrong. He defended himself against it and caused a lot of trouble because of it. He hurt himself, and he hurt… _her._ But here, he felt safe. With Snake, there was hope. He didn’t have to be alone. He didn’t need to struggle. He knew that he would, but he knew that Snake would be there to see him through it, and he hoped he’d be able to help Snake, too. Maybe it was the whiskey giving him courage, but he felt warmth in his heart that he hadn’t felt in so long, if he ever had at all. When he thought of the future, it scared him, but he fought away any doubts with the memories of Snake holding him tightly, or his snarky laughter during their dowel rod sword fight, or the way he gently held Raiden’s hand while trying to stay awake with him when he was afraid. Whenever a doubt had crept into his mind, Snake had been there to calm it. It gave Raiden the hope he needed to move forward, and that was all he could have ever wanted.

Snake, similarly, studied Raiden’s face, though he paid particular attention to his reactions more than anything else. He noted how his eyes darted quickly to the right whenever he disagreed with something, the small perk of his left eyebrow when he was intrigued. It seemed as though his smile hardly ever left his face and his eyes hardly ever left Snake’s. Snake couldn’t help but let his eyes wander around the room, feeling almost uncomfortable if eye contact was held too long, though he couldn’t help letting himself indulge in it a bit once in a while.

The air between them was warm and filled with love, and while neither of them would say it, they all were growing quickly closer and closer together. With every bite of waffles, they both realized that that was exactly the way it should be.

Judy’s loud presence graced them from time to time, though she did grace them a bit more than Snake would have liked. Raiden laughed when he noticed Snake peeking over his shoulder with fright any time he heard her quick and heavy footsteps behind him. Luckily for them, though, as the remnants of the dinner rush began to slowly file out and empty out the restaurant, her visits became more and more infrequent. Aside from her interruptions, though, dinner passed by quickly, filled with smiles and laughs and many mushy pancake pieces being flung about with abandon. 

Raiden slid out of the booth and headed off to the tiny, grimy restroom while Snake settled the bill. The mint green walls of the men’s room were splotched with gray and brown toward the baseboard, their age and lack of care proving just how small town this diner actually was. Raiden avoided touching anything, though it didn’t seem to bother him very much. He had other things on his mind—things that were keeping a smile on his face as he washed his hands in a dinky, gross bathroom in the middle of nowhere Alaska. Right now, he didn’t want to be anywhere else. Everything about this was perfect, and he wouldn’t change a thing.

At least, that was what he thought.

As he made his way back to the table, something caught his eye out the front window—a conspicuously new, black vehicle with tinted windows and no plates. He couldn’t believe his eyes. Immediately, his legs began to shake and he reached out to the wall for support, nearly clotheslining a waitress darting out of the kitchen with a tray full of food who just glared as she made her way around him. His breathing became heavy, and when he noticed the man standing outside the vehicle, sharply dressed with sunglasses in a black suit and tie, talking on the phone, Raiden felt bile rise up in his throat. He staggered his way back to the table to a wide-eyed Snake who stood, steadying him upright. He put his palm to Raiden’s chest to keep him from falling forward and could feel Raiden’s heart pounding through his sternum. He eased him down into the seat as people watched the spectacle with reserved concern. 

“What? What is it?” Snake asked, holding Raiden’s hands in his, squeezing them tightly. 

Raiden had trouble finding his voice. “The Patriots… They’re here… for me…”

Snake’s eyes darted around, surveying the room. “Where?”

“The parking lot,” Raiden breathed, his throat tight.

Snake stood, looking out the large front window. The cars from the dinner rush had largely cleared out, leaving only a few behind.

“Big, black, too new to blend in around here. Dark tinted windows, no license plate. There’s a guy standing next to it on the phone,” Raiden commented, his fist clenched in Snake’s hand. “I saw the same car at the store and I ignored it because I thought I was going crazy. I should have listened to myself…”

Snake scanned the parking lot.

“I don’t see anything, Raiden.”

Raiden jumped up, and to his surprise, there was no such car in the lot. He darted over to the window, disturbing a nearby table as he searched out the window, scanning the road in either direction. Snake was right. The car was gone.

His heart sank. He rushed out the door, leaving Snake to drop some extra cash on the table as he scrambled to grab Sunny as well as both his and Raiden’s jackets. He made it out the door just in time to see Raiden run over to the road, watching in both directions, only to see that the car truly was not there.

Raiden could feel a knot in his throat, and as he let himself collapse into the snow, he really could not tell whether or not he was losing his mind. He felt tears well in his eyes as his hands and knees burned against the grimy snow in the parking lot. He tried to hold back, but this time there was no controlling it, and he gritted his teeth as hot tears quickly turned cold against his cheeks, though that didn’t stop them from falling.

He felt Snake gently drape his jacket over Raiden’s shoulders, placing an arm around them as well as he crouched down next to him, giving him a tight squeeze while Raiden let it out, his tears dropping heavily into the snow below.

“I don’t know what’s happening anymore,” Raiden muttered. “Nothing feels real to me.”

Snake leaned in close, urging Raiden upward as he nearly picked him up from the snow. He maneuvered around him, letting Raiden wrap himself around Snake’s body, burying his face in his chest as Sunny watched from Snake’s arm in confusion. 

“It’s ok, Raiden,” Snake whispered into his hair. “I’ve got you.”

Raiden struggled to control himself as sobs wracked his body pathetically, the whiskey which once gave him courage now eliminating any inhibitions and emotional control.

“This is the only thing that makes me feel real, Snake…” he cried. “You’re the only thing that makes me real.”

Snake could only watch. There was nothing he could say anymore. His hands trembled. He’d never felt as deeply helpless as he did at that moment. His chest hurt. He clenched his teeth so hard he thought they’d crack. He just held Raiden tightly, silently, watching everything he thought he could have ever wanted slowly wasting away beside him.

A single, frustrated tear dropped from Snake’s eyes, disappearing into the snow below.

*****

Things had quieted down a bit by the time they returned to the house. 

Raiden was clearly embarrassed, and though he said very little, there was so much he wanted to say. He just couldn’t find the words. His eyes were tired, rimmed red with exhaustion and despair, and though in his actions he tried to mask it, there was no hiding his struggle. Snake had gotten him a glass of water and sat him down in the kitchen while he’d unloaded the things from the car and set up Sunny’s new mattress pad in her crib, changing her into her new pajamas and putting her down for the night.

Raiden sat at the table, watching as Snake snuck out of the room, shutting the door softly behind him. He had a hard time meeting Snake’s gaze, but he could feel his eyes on him. His eyebrows furrowed instinctively as Snake leaned against the counter with a discreet sigh. 

“I can sleep on the couch tonight, if you want…” Raiden mumbled quietly.

“No, it’s…” Snake crossed his arms. “I want you to stay with me.”

And he meant it. Even if it wouldn’t work, he wanted it more than anything.

Raiden flexed his jaw. “I’m sorry, Snake.”

“You don’t need to be sorry,” Snake said, keeping his tone as level as possible. “Let’s just go to bed, there’s no use dwelling on it.”

Raiden wasn’t convinced.

“Ok, Snake.”

*****

“Snake…?” 

A very soft, very tired voice came muffled through the receiver of Snake’s phone.

“Otacon, can you hear me?”

“What’s wrong, Snake? What time is it?”

“Where are you?”

“Hold on, let me check…” Snake could hear yawning and quiet muttering through the line.

The air was ice cold, biting at the tip of Snake’s nose as he paced deliberately back and forth near the dog kennel. A lit cigarette kept the tips of his fingers warm. He checked the time on the phone reflexively—it was nearly three o’clock.

“I’m over Dallas. Is everything ok, Snake?”

Snake exhaled heavily. “It’s Raiden. He’s... I need you to reroute up to the house. How quickly can you be here?”

“I can be there in five and a half hours. Is that fast enough?”

“That’s good. I just…” Snake paused to puff on his cigarette. “I don’t know if it’s safe for Sunny to be around him right now.”

“Hang on, Snake, I’m on my way.”

_Beep._

Before Snake went back inside, he let himself sit on the front steps with his head in his hands. His cheeks were so cold he could hardly feel the tears, but as his body was wracked with angry, shuddering, silent cries, he knew they were there, and they were plentiful.

*****

Snake sat on the couch with _Slaughterhouse-Five_ open in his hands, though he couldn’t bring himself to read it. His mind was too distracted with other things. 

The fire had begun to die in the wood stove, and while Snake thought about putting another log piece in it, he couldn’t bring himself to stand up, no matter how much he was shivering. He really couldn’t make himself do much of anything.

He was surprised when he heard the bedroom door open, followed by Raiden’s socks shuffling across the kitchen floor before rounding the corner into the living room. He appeared in his own brand new pajamas, his hair tied messily in a ponytail and a blanket draped around his shoulders.

“Is this seat taken?” he asked a bit groggily, a weary smile on his face.

“Go for it.”

Raiden sat down next to him, extending the blanket to envelope Snake as well. Snake adjusted the blanket gratefully, scooting a bit closer to Raiden. It felt nice to be this close, and even though his chest was absolutely aching, he wanted to savor these moments wherever he could get them.

Raiden sighed. “I don’t know what’s wrong with me, Snake,” he said, very casually.

Snake didn’t answer. He didn’t know how. But Raiden didn’t need him to.

“I felt so at home today, you know? Until all of _that_ I had a real moment of clarity. Just spending the day with you and Sunny today… it was nice. It felt normal. You guys…”

Raiden paused, gauging his words very carefully. He gently slid his hand beneath Snake’s, intertwining their fingers. Snake seemed surprised, but he didn’t object.

“I really care about you guys. I don’t know why I can’t tell you that more often, but I do. I know it seems like I’m losing my mind… I kind of feel like I am, too… But I just wanted to make sure that you know that I’m going to try to be better for you guys.”

He paused again, sussing out Snake’s reaction. He ordinarily felt so uncomfortable just spewing sentimentalities to someone, but he knew he had to be bigger than that. It took him long enough, but he was finally realizing that maybe a little bit of honesty would go further than he thought.

“I’ve been thinking about it ever since you got out of bed, and I just couldn’t think of any reason I shouldn’t be honest with you. I trust you, Snake. I’ve been so paranoid since I got here, and it’s started to get the better of me. I know I have… _issues_ , but I know you’re here with me. I know I don’t need to be afraid.”

He squeezed Snake’s hand gently, and to his surprise, he felt Snake squeeze back.

“I guess what I really wanted to say was thank you. And I’m sorry.”

Snake cleared his throat, processing. “You don’t need to be sorry. It’s not your fault. But… I appreciate what you’re saying. And I…” Snake grumbled a bit. “I care about you, too.” His face turned a bit red. “A lot.”

Raiden half smiled, and for a few moments when they looked at each other, there was no pain. Raiden took advantage of the moment, letting his fingers tangle in Snake’s hair as he leaned in, kissing him deeply. Snake rested his hand on Raiden’s arm, returning the affection, though the back of his mind was plagued with flashbacks of worse times that he just couldn’t shake. He thought back to his conversation with Otacon, wondering if he made a mistake. He couldn’t come to a conclusion on the matter, and instead decided to enjoy the moment, even if it wouldn’t be able to last as long as he’d like.

Snake let his thumb gently rub against Raiden’s smooth skin. Their kiss was sincere. It was soft, and it was theirs, and nothing, not The Patriots or any amount of doubt or paranoia could take it from them.

But they couldn’t stay that way forever, and eventually, Raiden stood to return to bed.

“I’ll be right behind you soon, I promise,” Snake said.

“Good night, Snake. I…”

What he wanted to say was “ _I love you,”_ but what he ended up saying was—

“I’ll see you soon.”

Snake watched as he trudged off. He wished that he felt better, and although he was proud of Raiden for his openness, he couldn’t stop feeling afraid for him. He wanted to say so much more than he did, but he decided to sit on it instead. All he wanted was to crawl into bed and wrap his arms around Raiden as if none of this had ever happened. He just wanted his happy ending.

Instead, all he had was one thought to ruminate on until he urged himself back to bed.

_“Everything was beautiful and nothing hurt.”_


	12. Chapter 12

The night seemed to pass so slowly. 

Raiden laid awake, his eyes fixed on the ceiling for what seemed like hours. He felt like a weight had been unloaded from his shoulders after his conversation with Snake, but he couldn’t help but feel the coils of shame wrap themselves around his heart. It filled him with dread as he continuously relived every aspect of the previous day, over-analyzing every facet of it. His feelings, his actions, everything haunted him, the thoughts of himself echoing in his mind like some endless horror. He thought over and over again about that car in the parking lot, focusing on every detail of it. The tinted windshield, the lack of a license plate, the shiny, sleek exterior that could never have been maintained on those brisk, salty Alaskan roads. It felt so real. It was so clear in his mind’s eye—he just couldn’t accept that it was his imagination.

He let his head fall to the side, casting his gaze on Snake, his back turned to Raiden and scooted almost to the wall. He watched Snake’s body rise and fall as he breathed with deep sleep. Raiden wondered if he was dreaming of better times. Perhaps dreaming about a world in which Raiden had never showed up at all, and everything was normal. He wouldn’t have blamed Snake for that. If he were capable of having good dreams, Raiden knew that he himself would be dreaming about that, were their roles reversed. 

Though it felt selfish, he studied Snake’s back as the moonlight draped over it, his eyes wandering over the surprisingly smooth skin, pulled tight over strong muscles. There were far fewer scars on his back, Raiden noticed. It made sense to him—it was probably pretty difficult to get the drop on the legendary Solid Snake. All the damage he took was to the front, head on, like a real fighter. He never let anyone get behind him. Raiden wished he could be like that. He had no illusion that his skills exceeded expectations, but he wondered what it would be like to have such innate abilities like Snake.

He pushed the envy from his mind, though he was grateful for the temporary distraction from the problems currently plaguing him. His eyelids fluttered shut, exhausted, though he knew that did not mean that his body would permit him sleep. There was just too much going on in his head, no matter how tired he was.

He wondered how the morning would go, looming dread hanging over him. Would Snake want to talk to him? Would he act like nothing had happened? Or would things be awkwardly silent around the house as Snake and Raiden averted their gazes from one another throughout the day? He felt so ill at-ease at the thought of it all, his stomach churning with acidic anxiety.

Through the night, Raiden fought the urge to reach out and touch Snake. His fear made him feel lonely, and he craved the newly familiar feeling of Snake’s warmth beneath his fingers. Anything to protect him from the cold loneliness that he felt inside. But he wouldn’t allow himself that relief. He hadn’t earned it.

Eventually, rather than fall asleep, Raiden’s body simply ceased to be awake. It wasn’t restful, nor was it peaceful, but it was sudden and it was total, and it gave Raiden a brief respite from his troubles. He was grateful for that, at least.

When he awoke, he was groggy and disoriented—likely from the alcohol wearing off through the night. He had a bit of a headache and his whole body was stiff, aching at the joints. As much as he wanted to relax, he had quickly remembered the food he’d bought yesterday and figured that the best apology was a nice, hot plate of french toast and some fresh coffee. He assumed that Snake, who was still curled up on the other side of the bed near the wall, would wake up soon and appreciate the effort.

Stealthily swinging his legs off the bed, Raiden’s feet recoiled against the cold floor as he frantically searched his pile of new clothes for some socks, which he quickly donned when he found them. He couldn’t help but notice on his way out of the room how comfortable Sunny looked, nestled into her new mattress pad, covered in actual blankets instead of spare t-shirts. He didn’t even try to suppress a smile as it spread across his face.

He opened the bedroom door, taking care to be quiet, but jumped suddenly when he heard a light knock at the front door. He froze, but Snake didn’t seem to stir. A million thoughts ran through his head as he was pulled right back into what felt like a neverending nightmare, reaching instinctively into the pile of junk atop the closet shelf, where he retrieved his carefully hidden SOCOM, almost without thinking. 

He crept through the hallway, keeping low, never more sure of the looming danger. His heart was practically vibrating as it frantically beat in his chest. It almost made it difficult to hear as it thumped in his ears, obscuring any ability to listen to the threat outside. He kept low along the wall, feeling confident amid terror, having run this scenario and a thousand others through his head over and over until it felt like muscle memory in practice. 

He tried to peek unseen around the wall, gazing up through the window on the front door, but he couldn’t get the right angle to see out. He straightened up in a final, brave step and positioned his gun discreetly behind his back. He took a deep breath as he grabbed the knob, careful not to jiggle it preemptively. He could feel sweat forming on his hairline as he turned the handle and opened the door quickly, blocking the opening with his body.

He was surprised to see Otacon’s bespectacled, smiling face standing at the door, his head cocked pleasantly to the side as if this was a perfectly normal and expected non-surprise. Nonetheless, Raiden was relieved to see a familiar face, prudently tucking his gun into the back of his waistband. He opened the door the rest of the way, trying to casually play off his initial shock.

“Otacon!” Raiden exclaimed, trying not to sound terribly surprised. 

“Hey, good morning, Raiden!” he said with a wave. “Sorry to drop in unannounced so early.”

Raiden couldn’t help but notice a large aircraft sitting off in the middle of the snow behind him, his expression obviously perplexed. Otacon didn’t need to turn to know what he was looking at.

“That’s the Nomad. She’s the headquarters for Philanthropy,” he said, nodding his head toward it.

“Impressive,” Raiden remarked. “I don’t have much of a knack for flying. I’m sure Snake told you.”

“He may have mentioned a mishap,” Otacon said. 

Raiden could see him shifting uncomfortably. Something felt off. Raiden could feel him looking past him. 

“So… you’re probably looking for Snake, right?” Raiden inquired after an uncomfortable pause.

As if on cue, Snake emerged, pulling his shirt over his head, stumbling over the bottoms of his pants from the kitchen as he tried to pull them up simultaneously. He nearly hopped to the front door as he finished haphazardly getting dressed, greeting Otacon with his usual furrowed eyebrows and a gruff clearing of his throat.

He simply grumbled something that Raiden wasn’t even sure were words, blinking sleep from his eyes. 

Raiden quickly moved aside, letting Otacon step in, shutting out the cold air behind him. He stamped some snow from his shoes before stepping on each heel to slip them off. 

Raiden awkwardly scurried off to the kitchen, trying his best to keep either of them from seeing his back and potentially spotting the gun beneath his shirt. 

“I was just about to make some coffee, can I get you a cup?” he called. 

“Sure,” Otacon called back. “I’d love one. Can I do anything to help?”

Raiden waved off the request with a smile that felt at least partially forced. “I’ve got it, don’t worry. Thanks.”

As Raiden toiled away in the kitchen with the coffee, lamenting his now-impossible breakfast plans, Snake and Otacon followed lazily behind, plopping themselves down at the kitchen table as they made small talk amongst themselves. 

“How’s the Nomad treating you?” Snake asked. 

“Not bad at all,” Otacon said. “I finally decorated a little.”

Snake groaned, prompting a curious glance from Raiden. 

“That’s code talk for _I’m gonna have to clean up a bunch of little anime toys when I come back to the Nomad,_ ” Snake explained. “Am I right, Hal?”

Otacon just laughed, giving a little shrug. “I guess you’ll just have to find out eventually.”

Another groan from a Snake. He swiveled his head toward Raiden, who was busy trying to pretend his focus was solely on making coffee. “He can turn a perfectly good military grade aircraft into a playroom if you leave him alone for ten minutes, I swear.”

Truly, they sounded like an old married couple to Raiden. He couldn’t help but find it endearing how relaxed Snake was with Otacon. It almost made Raiden a bit jealous how effortlessly they bantered with one another, like they were just two normal people. They seemed so comfortable together, and all Raiden could wonder was if he’d ever be that comfortable with anyone. It did spark a bit of worry in him, though, that he just couldn’t stave off.

“Otacon, we were going to go dogsledding today, would you want to join us?” Raiden offered as he passed a steaming cup of coffee across the table.

“You can call me Hal,” he said, gratefully accepting the cup from him. “Thanks for the coffee and the invite, but you guys should go on ahead. I’ve been going over a new lead all night and I’m beat. Speaking of which, Snake, do you have a few minutes? I wanted to go over some things with you.” He stood from the table, taking a hearty sip of coffee. “I’ve got a bit more work to do, but my write-up is mostly ready for you if you want to come see me in the Nomad.”

His eyes flickered to Raiden, who felt a bit confused, though he hid it well.

“Only if you have time, of course,” he added cautiously.

He stood, taking a hearty sip of the coffee before they were all interrupted by a faint cry coming from the other room. Raiden dashed off to the bedroom without a word, hoping to leave them in peace for a minute. When he opened the door to the bedroom, Sunny was standing, holding herself upright on the guardrail around the crib, her tiny red face twisted up into a grimace under her disheveled silver hair. He scooped her up in his arms, bouncing her up and down, whispering calmly to her as Remy cowered, bewildered in the corner, apparently completely unsure of how to handle the situation.

“See? You don’t have to be upset! Rada’s here, see?” he cooed to her.

He ruffled her hair playfully, hoping that by smiling big enough, she’d follow suit. He was quickly proven right. Her whole demeanor changed, as she playfully tried to grab his cheeks. No matter how much he pulled away, she was persistent, and his laughter did nothing to deter her.

“You’re really good with her.”

Raiden spun around, surprised to see a cheerful Otacon behind him with his hands shoved casually in his coat pockets. 

“I don’t really do much, she’s just really easy,” Raiden laughed, trying to brush off the compliment.

“So this is the famous Sunny, huh?” Otacon wondered aloud as he studied her. “Wow. The resemblance is…”

“It’s uncanny.” Raiden finished for him. 

Remy curiously popped its head out from behind the door where it had taken refuge from the sudden intrusion, though upon seeing Otacon it seemed to recognize him immediately, zooming about his legs, letting out a symphony of delighted beeps. Otacon, too, lit up upon seeing a familiar face.

“Hey, Mark I!” he cried, crouching to examine the robot that was excitedly circling him.

“He seems happy to see you!”

“Thankfully _something_ is,” he chuckled, poking and prodding at the machine as it whirred at his feet. “How’s our little Metal Gear been treating you three?”

“I think he’s a delight. We’ve been calling him Remy.”

“How’d you convince Snake to call it anything that’s not obscene?”

Raiden cracked a big smile. “Ok, maybe _I’ve_ been calling him Remy.”

In all the excitement, Sunny had spotted Otacon, watching him intently. She appeared curious about the newcomer to her house, cocking her head back and forth while seeming to mumble to herself about him. Otacon noticed quickly, giving her small waves and smiles, though he seemed a bit unsure of what to do with himself. But Raiden could see her curiosity brewing, taking advantage to rest his tired arms.

“Do you want to hold her?” Raiden asked.

Otacon held his hands up, waving them dismissively with a nervous smile and chuckle.

“Hah! I don’t know the first thing about babies, I just… I’m not sure…”

It was too late. Raiden was already moving toward him, practically forcing the baby into Hal’s shocked, hesitant arms. Sunny latched onto him much more quickly than he expected, though quite possibly, she was more intrigued by his glasses as she tore them almost immediately off his face, examining the strange effect of looking through the lenses. Though he was initially hesitant to relax, Hal found himself quickly surrendering to the joyous intrigue.

“See, she likes you!” 

“How do you know?” Otacon inquired anxiously.

“Trust me,” Raiden said, folding his arms matter-of-factly. “She’s got a lot of opinions and is _very_ open to giving feedback.”

“She’s not screaming herself red in the face, so that’s a pretty good sign,” Snake grunted, approaching from the hallway. “Have you finally found someone who shares your interest in toys?” he teased, leaning against the doorway.

Otacon sighed with playful exasperation as he gently wrestled his glasses from Sunny’s little hands, quickly returning them back to his face as he unsquinted with relief, finally able to see again.

“You just don’t have any interior decorating skills and you’re _jealous_ ,” Otacon jabbed.

Snake scoffed. “If that makes you feel any better, then sure, Hal.”

While Otacon was sufficiently preoccupied with the baby, Snake sauntered his way over to Raiden.

“I need to talk to Hal for a minute, but I want to head out pretty soon,” he said, shifting anxiously. “Do you mind packing some bags for our trip while I go out to the Nomad?”

“Sure, I don’t mind,” Raiden said, studying him. “Snake… I have a question.”

Snake raised an eyebrow, watching Raiden pass a cautionary glance at Otacon, who was still entangled in Sunny’s little antics as he tried to get her to release his hair from her iron fist.

Raiden’s voice betrayed him, wavering ever so slightly. 

“Are you going to leave on the Nomad with Otacon?”

Even Raiden was surprised by his own forwardness. Though the thought had crossed his mind as soon as he saw Otacon standing at the door, he’d fought hard to keep that fear internal. Snake opened his mouth to answer before he could even form a thought. He hadn’t really considered it, but when Raiden asked, it suddenly clicked in his head. Otacon showing up out of nowhere, a mission lead, a briefing. Snake hadn’t given any real thought to the possibility of him actually leaving, but considering that there was still work to be done with Philanthropy, maybe he was naive to think that he’d be able to stay in Alaska. He’d just been so caught up in his domestic fantasy dream world that for a few weeks, he had almost forgotten about work completely. When he’d called on Hal, he’d only really intended for him to be there for moral support, not an escape route. But how could he convey that to Raiden without revealing his fears and uncertainties?

“N-no…” Snake finally sputtered. “No, I wasn’t planning on it.”

Raiden watched Snake’s eyebrows furrow, but something about the expression was soft. It was concerned. He hesitantly reached out a hand, as if to take Raiden’s, but he quickly peered over his shoulder at Hal, remembering their surroundings, and regretfully retreated, turning on his heel to the doorway.

“Let’s go, Hal,” Snake urged. “I need a few minutes with you and then I have to get moving if I want to make Raiden a pro musher by sundown.”

Raiden cracked half a smile, though he still felt the toils of worry down in his heart. Otacon set little Sunny back down in her crib as he followed Snake out, leaving Raiden alone to pack the bags. When he’d said he didn’t mind packing, he meant it, but there was something that sat sour in his mouth as he made his way around the house, pulling what he presumed would be a very thorough prep bag for their trip. He couldn’t stop himself from thinking about the possibility of Snake going with Otacon when he left. What would that mean for him and Sunny? There was no way Snake would leave them…

Right?

He couldn’t wrap his head around it, but he felt stupid for not thinking it was a possibility. Yet they had _just_ stocked the house to make it livable, so where did that leave them? Raiden couldn’t imagine Otacon swooping in and taking Snake away from him. What about Sunny? Surely they deserved better than that?

Raiden could feel himself becoming angry. He knew it was only hypothetical, and he tried desperately to convince himself that he was overreacting, but he couldn’t fight away the idea that he’d be alone again. He knew it was his nature to assume the worst, but he couldn’t stop himself. He took deep breaths, trying to center his mind in the task at hand. After all, wasn’t he going out to have a fun day with Snake? Why would Snake go to all this trouble just to abandon him? 

He sat on the couch with two hefty duffel bags at his feet trying to will his heart rate to go down. He was suddenly struck with a memory, the image of that sweet bottle of liquid gold, tucked carefully away underneath the passenger seat in the car. He wondered if he’d even be able to make it to the car without being noticed, but he knew that the chances were slim to none. His hands balled into fists, his knuckles white and shaking as he imagined how close he was to it, yet it seemed so unattainable. But god damn it, did he not see any other way besides trying. He leaned forward, anxiously peering out the window. He could see the Nomad, its large ramp extended down to the ground, exposing a portion of the interior, but he could see Snake or Otacon inside.

It took a few moments for Raiden to realize that he’d been rhythmically, excitedly tapping his fingers along the ridge of his knee, his other leg bouncing impatiently. He stood cautiously and approached the window, trying to get a better look, examining its exterior for anything that could potentially be a window or viewport, but it was difficult to make out anything along the mostly uniform metallic siding. He could see through the large front windows at the helm of the craft, but the cockpit seemed to be unoccupied. Figuring they were off in some other, less visible area, Raiden was brimming with adrenaline at the possibility of being able to pull it off.

He watched out the window as his legs began to carry him almost automatically to the door. Before he could stop himself, his shoes were on his feet, his jacket seemingly slinging itself around him as he pulled his arms through. He cracked the door, just a bit. There was still no sign of them, the soft breeze sweeping away any noise he’d have been able to discern ordinarily. The same went for them, he assumed as he slipped out the door.

His pace was brisk, though possibly still casual if he played it off right. He gave off no urgency in his step, or at least, he tried his best not to. The car wasn’t far, but the walk seemed endless; the anxiety of being caught hounded him with every beat of his heart. He kept his eyes on the Nomad, scanning constantly for movement. When he reached the car, his pulse only quickened as the taste of sweet, hot liquor scorched his throat as he crouched down beside the car, just discreetly enough to be invisible from the direction of the Nomad. By the time he was finished, he could barely remember throwing the car door open and grasping desperately for the bottle, his mind swirling with anticipation and alcohol, blurring it all together as the warm relief set in.

“Raiden!”

He popped up, gazing over the hood of the car, his blood running cold as he put on his best liar’s smile. Snake and Otacon strode toward him, and immediately, Raiden stuck his hand in his pocket, reflexively dropping the bottle into what was luckily a large pile of snow atop grass, both keeping it from breaking and concealing it from view as Raiden kicked a bit of snow over it.

“Hey guys! Forgot my hat out here yesterday,” he called back, pulling it from his pocket and holding it high in the air. “How’s business?”

“Business is business,” Snake grunted as Raiden came around the back of the car, jogging over to meet them.

“Sounds very… business-like,” Raiden joked awkwardly, catching his breath.

”It always is,” Otacon added. “Well, sorry to have delayed your plans, but you guys seem like you have a busy day ahead of you. I’d hate to keep you any longer.”

“Make yourself at home. And maybe you can find a way to fix that junk robot if you have some down time,” Snake teased.

Otacon scoffed. “You’re too hard on him. I’ll see what I can do, but I think you’re the one with some screws loose.”

Snake cracked half a smug smile that made Raiden’s spine tingle. Raiden couldn’t help but entrance himself in it, hoping that no one saw what he assumed was no more than a glint in his eye. Relaxed was a good look on Snake, and Raiden was honestly hoping that this energy would carry over into the rest of the day. He’d been apprehensive about Otacon’s presence at first, but Snake seemed to be so much more at ease than he’d been for a while now. Raiden could sense it, but he practically didn’t have to. He couldn’t help but wonder what they talked about that put him in such a good mood, but he had more self control than to ask. He almost felt guilty for dousing a perfectly good morning in self-doubt and alcohol, but something about Snake’s repose allowed Raiden to feel a bit more free to simply enjoy himself. And of course, the whiskey didn’t hurt either. Regardless of how he allowed himself to come to the conclusion, it seemed that finally, Raiden was expecting to have a little bit of fun on this excursion.

As if he could read Raiden’s mind, Otacon turned to go, giving them a wave as he headed toward the house.

“Don’t get into too much trouble, you two,” he called behind him.

Snake turned to Raiden, and though his brows were drawn together, that calmed smile turning more to a stoic smirk, he seemed as cool as ever.

“What do you say, Raiden? How much trouble do you think we should get into?”

“Mmm, I’d say a fair bit,” Raiden answered, a bit surprised at Snake’s very forward joke.

Neither of them made further mention of it, and it didn’t take very long for Snake to assemble his equipment, which he mostly kept together in storage in the kennel. Raiden watched in fascination as Snake brought out the sled, laying out the ganglines in front of it. He made quick work of everything, checking every inch of the dusty line for weak points and snags. 

Snake disappeared into the kennel for a moment before reappearing within the fenced-off area that constituted a large yard for the dogs to roam more freely. Raiden watched with interest as Snake strode purposefully through the canine crowd. He was utterly fascinated. Dogs ran up to Snake, tails wagging, but the energy changed quickly and completely as if they could sense his intention; they seemed to know that he meant business. He took his time, appointing sixteen dogs who sat obediently when pointed to. Their obedience astounded Raiden, who had apparently underestimated the capabilities of trained dogs. He was entranced as they followed Snake through the kennel and out into the snow, almost in a perfect queue before dispersing to stand at the ready along the gangline, waiting patiently to be connected.

When Snake emerged, he had a large black bag under his arm, unzipping it as he approached the sled. He pulled some of the contents and tossed them to Raiden, who caught them dexterously.

“Booties for the dogs,” Snake explained. “Keeps them from hurting their feet on the trail and keeps snow from sticking between their toes.”

Raiden watched as Snake approached a dog and with a distinctive click of his tongue had the dog seated with its right paw out as he wrapped the boot around it, securing it tightly. Another click of Snake’s tongue and the dog had its other paw out, which was deftly wrapped as well. Yet another click and the dog had rolled onto its back, allowing Snake to cover its hind paws. When Snake was finished and stood again, moving on to the next dog, the dog stood once again at attention, waiting to be connected to the gangline in its place.

“Do you want to try?” Snake asked.

Raiden laughed nervously. “I don’t know, Snake. Doesn’t seem like something I’d be good at.” 

Snake waved him over, ignoring his apprehension. “There’s nothing to be good at. I promise it’s easy.”

Raiden trudged somewhat reluctantly toward Snake, who took the pile of booties from his hands, pulling one out and handing it back. 

“All you have to do is this,” he said, clicking his tongue again, prompting the dog to sit with its paw out. “Then you wrap it like this,” he said, demonstrating.

Raiden felt unusually nervous about looking foolish, his heart beating a bit faster than he’d expected it to. He half expected Snake to make fun of him, though he knew that even if he did, he wouldn’t mean it. Still, the thought lingered. He watched the dog in front of him, its eyes tracking him. He felt like even the dog was judging him.

“Try it,” Snake urged softly. 

Raiden took a deep breath, trying to push off his nerves as he replayed the image of Snake in his head, trying his best to mimic the exact tone and pattern of tongue clicks. He felt himself becoming engrossed by embarrassment as the dog continued to stand and stare at him, its tongue lolling out of its mouth as it panted with anticipation. 

Snake cracked half a smile, though he was careful not to laugh. Raiden noticed immediately, his face turning bright red. He could feel the tension between them dissipating, though he wished it didn’t have to be at his expense.

“They respond to hand commands, too,” Snake said, signalling the dog by snapping his ring finger, his middle and index fingers pointed straight up in the air. 

Immediately the dog switched paws, lifting its other leg for them to wrap. Raiden set out quickly to prove he could be at least a little bit useful, wrapping the boot around its paw with no trouble. When he stood again, he could feel Snake’s eyes on him, urging him on again.

Raiden hesitated, grinding his teeth together as he held up his hand, making an attempt at modeling Snake’s hand position. His face grew hotter with embarrassment as he noticed Snake’s discreet little smile grow a bit bigger. For a completely different reason, though, he thought his cheeks would burst into flames when Snake took Raiden’s hand in both of his, manipulating his fingers into the correct position. He could feel his nervous palpitations turning to butterflies, the tension of embarrassment and anxiety rolling off his shoulders.

“This was just a clever plot to hold my hand, wasn’t it?” he joked a bit nervously, hoping to ease some more of the tension that it seemed only he now felt.

Snake gave a single, hearty chuckle, focused on the task. “It’s definitely not a downside.”

When he had made certain that Raiden’s hand was posed properly for the command, Snake let go.

“Now just snap your ring finger against your thumb.”

Raiden struggled with the gesture, but managed a small snap. It seemed not to matter that it wasn’t particularly loud, as the dog immediately laid down, holding its back paws up for them. Raiden couldn’t help but smile as Snake gave him a congratulatory pat on the shoulder that seemed to linger for a bit longer than normal. He could have sworn he felt Snake lightly squeeze his shoulder before letting go. 

Snake could almost sense the relief in him, as if he needed even the smallest of victories. He watched as Raiden confidently booted up the dog’s back legs, trying to gauge his energy. Raiden’s question earlier had worried him and though Raiden was doing his best to hide it, Snake could feel that something was off. The tension had all but melted away, but he knew that some deep and dark uncertainty was still lying beneath. He considered mentioning it, but the idea of having such a serious conversation barely after sunrise seemed precarious. He thought instead that he should calm any qualms Raiden had by simply having a good time together today.

“You think you can handle them yourself?” Snake asked.

Raiden scoffed. “Of course I can, I’m a professional dog driver.”

“Raiden, I don’t think you could drive a dog if it had four wheels and an engine,” he said, perhaps far too sarcastically.

A smile exploded on Raiden’s face as he lost himself in deep belly laughter. 

“As long as it doesn’t have two rotors and need to leave the ground, I think I could do it.”

They finished booting the dogs with hardly any trouble. Snake was actually quite impressed by how quickly Raiden had caught on, and with how uneasy he seemed around the dogs before, he was relieved to see him doing so well with them now. Snake even caught him patting one on the head after putting its boots on. 

He was a bit nervous for their run, but he also couldn’t fight off the budding excitement that vibrated within him. Though he wasn’t usually much for talking about himself and his hobbies, Snake felt almost giddy to be sharing something this important to him with someone. Sure, he’d mentioned it a few times to Hal before, and when he’d been asked about it, he wasn’t wont to withhold information, but there was something about this that felt different. It took him a while to realize that he’d built up so much secrecy around himself that it almost felt indecently intimate to be sharing part of his life like this with someone. 

But he was glad to do it with Raiden.

Already confident in his ability to gear up the dogs, Snake showed Raiden how to harness them up and connect the tug lines on their harnesses to the gangline in the middle. He caught on immediately, and the two made quick work of it.

Raiden was surprised by how comfortable he was with the dogs. Once he’d gotten over the initial anxiety, he found himself drawn to their soft fur, letting himself pet them as he worked. It was odd. He had never felt that way about dogs before. He supposed he’d never really had much exposure to the sweet, friendly domesticated dogs like these that most people were familiar with. The dogs he’d known were wild and vicious. They wouldn’t have hesitated to tear any passing person or animal to shreds, whether they were trained that way by the handlers of the Small Boy Unit or they were simply bloodthirsty strays looking for a meal. A shudder passed through his body at the thought of them, but somehow he couldn’t see them when he looked at these dogs. They were kind and obedient. He wouldn’t have been surprised if someone told him that these dogs were a different species entirely than the ones he had seen in his childhood. He was glad to get to know them, wondering if the pleasant, warm feeling in his chest was what normal people felt when they were around dogs. Maybe it was just the alcohol numbing his instincts to run from them. 

He thought that, in part, that pleasantness could have been a byproduct of the excitement he felt watching Snake work. He tried not to stare, but the way Snake so expertly handled the animals made something in his chest flutter. He knew that when their lives depended on it, Snake would be focused and sure until his job was done, but to see him so engrossed in something simply because he was passionate about it made Raiden swell with a bit of pride. 

When he’d finished going down his row and all dogs were harnessed, Raiden stood again and made his way back around the sled to stand next to Snake as he looked over their work.

“How’d I do?” 

“Hrmm. Looks pretty good to me,” Snake said.

“What’s next?”

“If you want to bring out the stuff you packed, I think we can get going. I just need to finish up a few minor things.”

Raiden returned to the house, quickly hefting the bags over his shoulders and returning as Snake finished readjusting the runner along one side of the sled. When he saw Raiden approaching, he couldn’t help but let out a chuckle as he raised his eyebrow.

“Are we going for a day trip or are we running the Iditarod?” he joked.

Raiden scoffed playfully. “Hey, you didn’t tell me _what_ to pack, you just told me to pack. Besides, knowing you, I think I need to be prepared for anything.” Raiden shrugged. “Anyway, isn’t it my teacher’s job to tell me how to pack? Maybe I just need a better teacher. Do you think Otacon is free to teach me?”

“I’d say he probably is, but I’m afraid you may have already packed him in the bag, too.”

Raiden snorted. “You can never be too careful. You make fun of me now, but I bet you won’t be so snarky when you say ‘I wish I had this thing’ and I’m already pulling it out of the bag.”

Snake held his hands up innocently. “You’re right, you’re right. All I’m saying is that there better be trail mix in there.”

Raiden let out an almost cackling laugh. “I promise you won’t be disappointed.”

Snake didn’t waste any time loading up the bags, adding in one more that he’d packed himself, though he wouldn’t let Raiden slide without a joke or two more about his overpacking, with Raiden quick to retort to each one. He caught himself in the habit of anticipating Raiden’s comebacks with eagerness, almost feeling like he was setting him up to say something snappy only so that he could hear him say it. He couldn’t help it. He found it endlessly endearing, the way they jabbed back and forth at each other, and he just wanted to keep the banter going. It made everything feel normal. It gave him hope that maybe they could go back to the way things were before yesterday. But even that felt silly to him. Were things ever normal for them? Was there really a more pleasant time to go back to? Or was he just better at ignoring everything for a brief moment while playing house?

His brows knit together, lost in his thoughts as Raiden watched him with a smirk and a raised eyebrow, waiting for Snake to pull himself out of his own head and return to the task.

Snake waved him over. “Come on so we can get this trip over with,” he said, inviting Raiden to join him near the rear of the sled. He did his best to make it a joke, but he was afraid that he’d been a bit too sharp.

“Don’t act so excited, Snake,” Raiden jabbed back, thick with sarcasm.

Raiden sauntered over to him and, though initially inclined to rest his elbow sarcastically atop Snake’s shoulder, he resisted the urge. Despite how relaxed Snake seemed, Raiden hesitated to overstep any boundaries he may have created, continuing to carefully toe any potential lines. It made him a bit sad to think he was avoiding touching Snake on purpose, but he was so afraid of creating any trouble with him that his guts twisted at the thought. He thought it would be better to be safe than sorry, though, and kept his distance anyway.

“I know you’re a professional musher, but I feel like I should explain how this works to you, just to be safe,” Snake said, going on to explain in detail how the process of dog driving worked and what their roles were as musher and passenger.

Raiden certainly listened to him go through everything, but his soldier’s sharp attention seemed to be lacking at the moment, as all he could focus on were how Snake’s eyes lit up when he talked about this stuff. He wished he could say that he paid close attention, but all of the more technical details that Snake had gone into seemed to go in one ear and out the other. He put on his listening face, though, making sure to nod every once in a while, or throw in a few “Ok”s or “I see”s when appropriate. Sometimes, if he was feeling particularly frivolous, he would nod his head and say “Ok, I see,” though those moments he saved for the things that Snake seemed a bit more enthused to talk about.

Raiden used his time to take notice of how relaxed Snake’s face was, his eyebrows unfurrowed in contrast with his usual scowl. The only other times he’d seen his face so free of lines were the times they watched _Yojimbo_ and the time they’d spent in the kennel together. Though, as Raiden recalled, Snake’s eyebrows had been quite furrowed then, but for a much different reason. He fought himself as his face tried to smile at the thought.

Raiden didn’t really feel himself become a conscious part of the conversation again until Snake fell silent for a few moments, followed by a hesitant, “Did you follow all of that?”

“Yeah, of course. I got all of it,” Raiden lied.

Snake was sure at least most of it went over his head, but at the risk of having to explain it all again, he pressed no further. 

“Are you ready, then?” he asked.

“I was born ready, Snake.”

Snake gestured to the body of the sled with his thumb. “Then hop in and let’s go.”

Raiden threw on his hat and sunglasses before he clambered particularly ungracefully onboard, settling in behind the bags. As Snake shouted a command to the dogs and the sled lurched forward, Raiden could already tell the hard wood bottom of the sled was going to be hard on his back and tailbone, but he didn’t care. As the dogs picked up momentum and headed toward an open path in the tree line, Raiden could feel his anxieties being brushed away by the frigid air, disappearing into the soft Alaskan plain. A smile crept up the corners of his mouth, soft laughter manifesting in his throat. He felt childlike and free, and though he’d had a fleeting fear that he wouldn’t feel this way again, he let that, too, be cleared away by pure, unadulterated joy.

For the moment, it was just Raiden, Snake, and sixteen dogs in their own little bubble. 

As strange a thought that was, Raiden wouldn’t want it any other way.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Happy Thanksgiving everyone!! I’m very thankful for everyone who has stuck with this story through the long waits between updates and has offered support and kind comments! You guys kept me going, and I’m excited to be able to finally give you another chapter!!
> 
> Thank you for reading! :)


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